Partner doesn't seem to get how hard it is..

[CharlieBeanti]

I'm 9 days PP and my DP doesn't seem to understand why I feel the way I feel. I had some very small stitches as I tore upwards (minor tear) but it is still very painful to go to the toilet and they feel like they're going to burst from pressure when I stand up (I need to get this checked out). I'm exhausted from feeding all night (cluster feeding) and not sleeping when baby sleeps in the day. I know I should be sleeping when he sleeps but it's not that easy. I suffer from GAD and feel I have to watch him when he sleeps. I will address this with my HV, but trying to sleep when he does at the moment is a lost cause. I've tried.

My boobs are sore and enormous. One has scabs and blisters on because of DSs cluster feeding and preference for one boob. I can't poop because I have piles. My uterus is still cramping and I'm bleeding a fair bit still (yes, enjoying the adult nappies!).

I have back pain, a nagging PP headache, sweating a lot due to water retention slowly decreasing, I'm suffering with low self esteem over my new body. I had a very traumatic birth too which I'm struggling to deal with, as well as a high risk pregnancy which caused a lot of heartache.

The worst bit? Baby blues. I didn't even know these were a thing. I'm an emotional wreck and am crying over everything and anything.

DP today has had himself a nice bath, been out, had his hair cut, and even let me make him dinner last night (I know, my fault. I've been trying to carry on like normal and instead of stopping me, he's allowing me to continue - reversing this is not near impossible).

We needed something from the shop yesterday. I was 8 days PP (shops is a 1 minute drive). I said 'we need such and such' - he said 'go on then' as if to say 'you don't need me to go for you...' I was really shocked. Sleep deprived, breast feeding and he expected me to go instead of him, when he was perfectly capable of going.

He's not really looking after me. The house is a mess. He slept downstairs last night to get some sleep and spent the whole morning watching Netflix instead of helping around the house or doing something productive. Then ran himself a bath.

AIBU to be so excited for him going back to work next week so I can get on with things myself? AIBU to wonder how any man can act like this when his partner is 9 days PP and suffering, physically and emotionally?

I don't want to be told to LTB, as this is only a snippet of my life with him. He's usually supportive and kind, but seems to not be now we have a baby.

How do I react to this? I feel that if I talk to him about it he is going to do that frustrating thing of being defensive.

Or should I just get on with things?

[dontalltalkatonce]

STOP doing FA for him. Get the HV to speak to him. What a dick. Sorry, but you'd have to be pretty mean not to see your spouse struggling and just do FA.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

He is being awful. Even if you had physically and emotionally healed from the birth, you're looking after a newborn and up all night. How can he not realise this or see you crying all the time?

You do need to speak to him and he's a dick if he doesn't listen and gets defensive. I know it's hard to understand hormones if you've never suffered but he can see you're struggling and doing fuck all. If you're telling him you're not coping, it's very uncaring to decide you are.

My husband isn't the most empathetic person. We had a fairly difficult birth and I was a mess at first. I really struggled to adjust. When he went back to work he told me all I had to do was look after the baby - no housework no admin no nothing just keep the baby alive and he would do the rest. As he could see I wasn't coping.

As an aside, try some lactulose from the chemist - over the counter, very useful for going to the toilet until you've healed

[ChalkDoodler]

Dh treated me as gently as our newborn. He waited for me to get out the shower, passed me the sanitary pad to shove between my legs, held breast pads in place whilst I threaded my arms into my bra. He totally got it. He held me together, physically and emotionally.

You need to spell it out to him. You have just pushed a human out of your body. Your body is recovering from growing said human and will not be back to normal for a year.

He needs to be waiting on you hand and foot.

After I fed Ds in the night, I passed him to Dh who winded him, changed his nappy etc whilst I slept. We had a freezer full of food that just needed putting in the oven.

Stop pushing yourself, you need to take care of the baby and nothing else. This is where your partner needs to step up.

Look after yourself. Talk to your HV, be honest about feeling overwhelmed. It is completely normal to feel this way.

[Halloweenallyearround]

You poor thing, congrats on the new bundle of joy and being so strong but stop it, before the resent starts.

I was like you with my first two and I got terrible pnd, which I didn't realise until I had my second two years later.
I don't remember the joys of having them because I was just pushing myself and my partner at the time did help but it always felt as if he was doing me a favour.

Over ten years later new dp and I made sure I was aware of what I needed and would force my self to ask and accept help. I was making sure that mentally and physically I was well, and guess what my lo is 8 months and I haven't had a low feeling towards lo or being at home yet.
I am extremely good at being the strong independent women who can do anything, but this was my post birth and walking around stressed, jingling everything and being in a haze wasn't good for me or my darling one.
So talk and don't blame him or you . Then if he doesn't get it, tell him in another way like HV. Still no change , you can do it alone as you have been ( don't mean breaking up)
Also please try and sleep, because I started to fall asleep without realising at night time feeds.

[Rebecca36]

Know exactly how you feel. You must spell it out to him, at the moment he's carrying on as he did before you had the baby and life is not like that. Things change when you have a young baby.

Get him to cook, wash up, hoover and run a bath for you!

[Topseyt]

9 days PP is nothing. You are in the thick of it, sleepless nights too.

He is being a lazy arse. Paternity Leave is not a holiday any more than Maternity Leave is. It is there for him to help you recover and to begin getting to know the baby too - soothing, bathing, the odd nappy change etc. If you are formula feeding then he can do the occasional feed, or make up the next round of bottles while you do it. If you are breastfeeding he can keep you comfortable and supplied with drinks and snacks. He can help wind, change and soothe the baby afterwards.

He can do housework and prepare food for dinner. He can supply any visitors with tea and biscuits. He can shop. He can do laundry as necessary. Surely he is capable of these things.

Tell him bluntly. No holds barred. It can and does take weeks and months to recover fully from giving birth, even if it was straightforward. It is a major medical event. You didn't just graze yourself a little.

[hopelessbusiness]

I remember my dh after both our babies saying "you look after baby, I'll look after you." And he did - cooking, shopping, cleaning and as much baby care as he could. I'd have been in bits if he'd behaved like yours!
Tell him exactly what you need - and don't FFS cook for him!!!

[Halloweenallyearround]

Sorry for long post, just feel for you so much.

Also,
Dirty messy house can wait. That's a big thing to get use to now, baby needs hands on loving and care and when lo is 2 months, their will enjoy a cuddle more than anything also it's a huge stress reliever!

[Tobebythesea]

The HV would definitely talk to him. STOP doing these things for him.

Spell out what you want. It’s sad that you have to do that but needs must.

[TurkeyBear]

'To have recovered?!' It takes another 9 months to recover for most women. Why aren't you screaming blue murder at him?

[jaseyraex]

Jesus OP, you have the patience of a saint! I'd have throttled him by now. You shouldn't have to spell it out for him, he should know how hard it is. He should know to be helping you. He should know paternity leave is not a bloody holiday. Give him a good shake! Tell him exactly how you feel and exactly what you want from him and that he either needs to step up or piss off. Stop doing things for him, it's his turn to look after you.

[TheSpooktacular]

For gods sake don’t get on with things. He is being a useless twat. I bet if he’d pushed another human ring out his dick he wouldn’t even have got out of bed yet. FFS.

Spell it out for him, stop cooking his dinner. Stop going to the shop. Sit and look after your baby. Look after yourself! Why the fuck is he not taking the baby so you can have a bath? I’m speechless! What a nob head. He clearly sees paternity leave as a fucking holiday.

[Nothisispatrick]

I Have four week old DD and I think I would’ve jumped off a bridge by now if DP was as supportive as he is. We do pretty much all baby care 50:50 as we do mixed feeding, so dp does most of the nights.

You’re basically doing it on your own, your partner is an absolute lazy bastard.

[Quartz2208]

tell him and stop making out you are ok to make dinner

And if he is defensive he knows he is wrong

[Breakfastofmilk]

he seems to think I'm coping just fine

Even if you were coping 100% fine, you are not the only parent. He is your baby's father and he should be being an active parent not sitting around playing computer games.

He can't breastfeed but he can do everything else and he should be doing a fair share even if you were fine and coping. And you (the woman he supposedly loves) are NOT fine. He should WANT to look after you his baby.

He's a dickhead taking the easiest option and you need to address it now otherwise you'll spend the rest of your child's childhood doing everything and resenting him.

[Livingloving]

Who actually went to the shops yesterday? Please don’t say you did?

[troodiedoo]

Was he present at the birth? Bloody hell what an arse.

Tell him exactly what you said in your OP, and spell out very simply what he needs to do. Health visitor is a good idea.

[Nanny0gg]

Against normal 'rules', show him this thread.

Though to be honest, a decent man would not need it spelling out, it should be bloody obvious.

[Parker231]

He’s got a huge shock coming to him as life as a parent. Take yourself off to bed and ring his mobile every time you want anything fetching or doing around the house. He can sort out nappies, washing, cleaning, shopping etc

[MiniCooperLover]

OP, YOU need to speak to him, not your HV. You need to be clear 'I'm not feeling well, I'm
Not coping, I need your help and I need it now'. Don't pussyfoot around, be clear and tell him you just need help and that it's surprised you as much as him but that's the reality. He deserves one chance of having it laid out clearly for him for him to fix this.

[PlateOfBiscuits]

Show him this thread. You wrote it all out so clearly in your OP.

[7yo7yo]

Pack your bags and tell him your going to (insert supportive relative name here) until you feel better cus he’s fucking useless.

[LakieLady]

Women used to stay in hospital for 7-10 days post-partum, because that's how long it takes new mums to recover.

Now, men get paternity leave instead.

He needs to understand how much pain you are in and how knackered you are, and to step up.

Hope you start to feel better soon, OP, and DP starts acting like a supportive partner.

[Stressedoverkids]

I have back pain, a nagging PP headache, sweating a lot

Are you sure you don't have Mastitis?

[TheSpooktacular]

Did you speak to him OP? Hope you’re ok.