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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH tells MIL everything

44 replies

hadenough · 31/10/2018 15:37

Each and every time DH and I have a disagreement he tells my MIL. If it's a serious disagreement it will be a full-on phonecall, where I can hear him mentioning me.

DH does come from a country with different family dynamics where relationships with family are closer (and I suppose they share more) but I am absolutely fed up of it and feel like I'm in a primary school being reported to the teacher.

It is at the stage where I now don't engage with MIL as she knows just about every flaw I have and every issue I have had with my DH.

I am absolutely fed up with it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
hadenough · 31/10/2018 15:38

My AIBU is - am I wrong to think it isn't any of my MIL's business?

OP posts:
AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 31/10/2018 15:41

It is none of your mil business. It is very immature behaviour

Of course she is going to 'stick up' for him and end up hating you - it is like this is what he wants

That is the route he is going down

Ask him, if he wants a decent relationship between you and his family? Or an unbalanced one where they know the ins and outs of your private life

Every couple have disagreements - but not everyone goes running to Mummy, so immature of him to do this

Id have a word n explain to him what he is doing, he is creating an unhealthy situation it is HIM not your arguments as we all argue

Hadalifeonce · 31/10/2018 15:43

I would have a serious discussion with your DH, and tell him that you are unhappy that he tells his mother so much about your relationship. Tell him that there are many aspects of your marriage which should be kept between the 2 of you, and are not to be discussed with others, as you find it unacceptable.

Hopefully if he sees you are serious about this, he might stop. Seething about it silently will get you nowhere.

Greensleeves · 31/10/2018 15:43

It would seriously do my fucking head in tbh. DH knows I talk to my two closest female friends about whatever is bothering me, even if it's him, but I wouldn't dream of doing it where he could hear it, and I think ringing his mum immediately after an argument to tell tales is different from confiding in your friends anyway. Childish and disrespectful.

Does MIL actively encourage this, does she have form for triangulating the minutiae of her children's lives?

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 31/10/2018 15:45

It is at the stage where I now don't engage with MIL as she knows just about every flaw I have and every issue I have had with my DH

and that is a situation that HE has created - it is like you are his first girlfriend or something

agnurse · 31/10/2018 15:45

Adult children should NEVER get their parents involved in a relationship issue and parents should NEVER get involved in their children's relationships. A parent's instinct is to protect a child. That means that by definition they are not an objective third party.

What you two really need is marriage counselling.

expatmigrant · 31/10/2018 15:46

You don't say how long you've been married. I would put a very strong foot down as soon as possible or this will go on and you will become more distant from him. You will avoid conflict or raising your views in case it will upset him and then be conveyed to you MIL.
I would nip it in the bud with some very strong words.

Original poster
hadenough · 31/10/2018 15:47

I never discuss disagreements or arguments with my DH with anyone really, not even close friends - one I don't think it's anyone else's business, and two I'd probably have none left because it'd bore them to tears.

I have said this to him, but he says that he comes from a different culture to me and it's 'normal' to share everything. So I have come to feel that by challenging it more I am not respecting his cultural dynamics.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 31/10/2018 15:48

Wow - couldn't put up with that. Your relationship with your husband should be private. It's a very immature approach to relationships and sounds like the apron strings were never cut. Really, the MIL is a third person in your marriage!

AfterSchoolWorry · 31/10/2018 15:49

That's pathetic.

Have you challenged him about it ?

RomanyRoots · 31/10/2018 15:50

That's what happens when you marry into different countries and cultures. Was he not like this from the beginning? It would do my head in.
Try talking to him and tell him to stop doing it as it isn't part of your culture and it is you he is talking about. Tell him to feel free to tell mil anything he wants to about himself.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 31/10/2018 15:53

Different culture is no reason to do this - it is unhealthy - he is setting you up as the bad guy - and they will end up hating you

I dont think it is a cultural thing, more of a 'still tied to mummys apron strings' thing

PickAChew · 31/10/2018 15:56

You need to make it quite clear that running crying to mummy every single time you argue with your partner is not part of your culture and that you're not sure you can tolerate any more of it.

It sounds like you're arguing a lot, anyhow, which is a problem in itself.

PositiveVibez · 31/10/2018 15:56

SIL does this with her husband. As a result, the rest of the family think he is an absolute arsehole.

If he doesn't want her judging you. He should absolutely keep schtum.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 31/10/2018 16:04

Well what culture is he from?

Jlynhope · 31/10/2018 16:06

Do you get along with her? Does she mention your arguments?

Poppyfr33 · 31/10/2018 16:07

What about respecting you and your culture.

Greensleeves · 31/10/2018 16:10

"That's what happens when you marry into different countries and cultures."

I don't think that's true. Many cross-cultural relationships are mature and respectful, it's bordering on xenophobic to state that they can't work imo. I think this is what happens when you marry a selfish manchild who is too enmeshed with his mother to conduct an independent adult relationship with his wife.

Petalflowers · 31/10/2018 16:10

I wouldn’t like it either.

Does he deliberately phone her, or is he just off-loading his woes? Do you feel mil judges you for the arguments, or is she still perfectly pleasant to you?

DerelictWreck · 31/10/2018 16:11

The think is, my sister does this - not with the really trivial things, but every proper argument we hear about. The reason is because her DH is a lazy controlling arsehole so she has nowhere else to turn but to us for help and advice.

Jlynhope · 31/10/2018 16:14

^ That's actually an interesting point. Do you fight a lot? Could he feel like he needs the emotional support?

Original poster
hadenough · 31/10/2018 16:14

He is from South America.

To make this worse, he has recently started therapy sessions over Skype, which is fine, and he says it is working for him.

The problem is, the therapist is one his mum set him up with and is one of her friends, and I know for a fact things said to the counsellor are then shared with MIL (why he would want this I don't know).

Again, all arguments and disagreements will be discussed with this counsellor. He has even tried to make me speak with her about myself! I honestly feel I have no privacy, and constantly up against being portrayed as the terrible one, with things being shared I am not comfortable about.

If I did the same I could sort of understand it, but I don't.

OP posts:
Jlynhope · 31/10/2018 16:17

His therapist should not be sharing any info with his mom, but he has a right to share about your issues with the therapist. It sounds like he's wanting help for your both. Are you willing to meet with a different therapist?

Greensleeves · 31/10/2018 16:20

That whole "therapy" set-up is an unprofessional, toxic mess.

Do you actually want to stay with him? If this doesn't ever change?

Original poster
hadenough · 31/10/2018 16:21

Yes, I have no problem with this. Indeed, any therapy on an equal level, but no in a situation where it is being shared with someone else or feels one-sided.

OP posts:
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