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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH tells MIL everything

44 replies

hadenough · 31/10/2018 15:37

Each and every time DH and I have a disagreement he tells my MIL. If it's a serious disagreement it will be a full-on phonecall, where I can hear him mentioning me.

DH does come from a country with different family dynamics where relationships with family are closer (and I suppose they share more) but I am absolutely fed up of it and feel like I'm in a primary school being reported to the teacher.

It is at the stage where I now don't engage with MIL as she knows just about every flaw I have and every issue I have had with my DH.

I am absolutely fed up with it now.

OP posts:

bakingdemon · 31/10/2018 16:22

Agree with @Poppyfr33 - why should his culture be privileged over yours? You need to come to a happy medium. What about if you've had a specific disagreement and you explicitly say "please do not tell your mother about this". Would he respect a specific rather than a general request?

And he needs a new therapist.

SimplyPut · 31/10/2018 16:23

I couldn't live like that. It would sadly be a deal breaker for me .

Miscible · 31/10/2018 16:28

Tell him he's disrespecting your culture.

Jlynhope · 31/10/2018 16:50

Since it seems you are open to therapy and he clearly needs it I think you should see if he'll see someone else. His current therapist should lose her job for the breach in confidentiality. I'm sorry you are in the middle of all of this.

PerspicaciaTick · 31/10/2018 16:55

My mum once told me that one hard bit of being a parent is that you have the memory of an elephant for all the hurts caused to your children. So when your child falls out with friends and cries on your shoulder, you feel very protective. When your child makes up with their mate and skips off to play as though nothing had happened, you are the one who can't quite trust and like them like you used to (no matter how well you hide it) because you remember your child's pain.
Which is why your DH needs to stop sharing every detail with his mum...because she is his mum and she will worry when she hears he is upset. Your DH may move on after arguments - but I doubt she does. And I bet he doesn't go into as much detail about the good times, leaving her with a skewed perspective on your marriage.
Your DH needs to respect the boundaries of your marriage if there is any hope of you developing a friendly relationship with your MiL.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2018 16:58

"I have said this to him, but he says that he comes from a different culture to me and it's 'normal' to share everything. So I have come to feel that by challenging it more I am not respecting his cultural dynamics."
No. If you are disrespecting his 'cultural dynamics', he is equally disrespecting yours. He married outside his culture, if culture is soooo important to him then he needs to respect the culture he married into as much as he expects you to respect his. But he doesn't, does he?

Cultural or not, he's a Mummy's Boy and it's affecting your relationship. How long have you been married to him, OP? Is this the way you want to live for the rest of your life?

DameFanny · 31/10/2018 17:04

Have you tried loudly phoning your own mum, or sister, or friend, and saying "yes, and then he told MIL such and such because he can't bear this that and the other" so he can see how it feels?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/10/2018 17:05

he says that he comes from a different culture to me and it's 'normal' to share everything

So does he share details of any nice times with her too?

Because if not, and he just runs to mummy to whine, that's not down to a "cultural difference" - it's down to him simply being a spineless loser, no matter how he might try to shut you up by claiming it's the way they do things

TheFuckfaceWhisperer · 31/10/2018 17:09

he is setting you up as the bad guy - and they will end up hating you

Yep. My DP tells his DM AND his grown up kids everything! Only he just tells his side, no mention of the awful things he's said to me, and they all hate me because they have a very one sided view of our relationship and think I'm just awful. No cultural differences either!

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 31/10/2018 17:12

Have you tried loudly phoning your own mum, or sister, or friend, and saying "yes, and then he told MIL such and such because he can't bear this that and the other" so he can see how it feels?

I would be very tempted to do this. Probably with a close friend who was already briefed! I imagine that he won't like it. For some reason it will be different to him talking to MIL. It will be hard to understand his reason. If questioned then obviously you are just seeing whether it helps you to work through the issues with a friend.

mimibunz · 31/10/2018 17:20

Your husband is betraying you right in front of your own eyes.

ChalkDoodler · 31/10/2018 17:22

I would be tempted to stand next to him whilst he is on the phone to his Mother with your hand out and tell him when he is finished with his version of events, you wish to speak to her and put your side across.

Maybe he will think twice about involving her next time.

Even if you don't want to do this it might pull him up short.

DarlingNikita · 31/10/2018 17:25

The problem is, the therapist is one his mum set him up with and is one of her friends, and I know for a fact things said to the counsellor are then shared with MIL

The 'therapist' is behaving unethically and unprofessionally. If they belong to a professional body, report them to it. That's not acceptable.

Your actual DH problem is slightly different/additional, of course. If he won't take on board that you'd like some privacy in your relationship, maybe it's time to throw your toys out of the pram; like, next time it happens, fuck off somewhere on your own for an overnight/couple of days/whatever and make clear that you will do this every time he disrespects your wishes like this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/10/2018 17:57

It's a fair idea about doing the same - just once! - with your own DM, but then I'd expect him to come out with some nonsense like "it's different for men"

If he did object to this, and since he's so keen on culture, perhaps you could point out how utterly misogynistic he is?

BertrandRussell · 31/10/2018 18:03

The therapy thing is completely outrageous and unprofessional. Does the therapist have a professional body you can complain to?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2018 18:19

Get out of this marriage because there's 3 of you in it, and that will never work.

BertrandRussell · 31/10/2018 18:49

Out of interest, are women who are close to their mums ever dismissed as mummy's girls?

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2018 22:55

"Out of interest, are women who are close to their mums ever dismissed as mummy's girls?"
Never heard the phrase, but yes, I look askance at women who are daughters first and independent adults second in just the same way as I look at Mummy's Boys. As we age, our relationship with our parents should change to take account that we are all adults now, and if it doesn't change, then I view it as arrested development and definitely Not A Good Thing.

PanamaPattie · 31/10/2018 23:01

Run. Run far away.

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