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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I must be unattractive

41 replies

strawintogold · 31/10/2018 15:31

I’ve never had a proper relationship.

I think I always thought I’d meet somebody on the next ‘chapter’ of my life, so when it didn’t happen at college I thought perhaps university and then work ... it just hasn’t.

I’ve tried online dating.

I just can’t work it out. Others seem to have relationships so why don’t I?

OP posts:

Jezebelz · 31/10/2018 15:34

What are your hobbies and interests? That is generally where people seem to find their partners.

Original poster

strawintogold · 31/10/2018 15:35

Not much now! I used to do different things - used to go to the gym a lot.

OP posts:

FlirtyRomanticToast · 31/10/2018 15:37

Yabu, there are lots of ugly fuckers that are in relationships so it doesn't go by that. It's more about having a connection with someone. Get out there and meet people, the more people you meet the higher the chances of finding someone who you connect with.

Blanchedupetitpois · 31/10/2018 15:37

Have you asked people out and been turned down? Or gone on dates that haven’t led anywhere? Or is it that nobody has approached you first?

People are normally quite good at assessing their own attractiveness so if you think you’re attractive you probably are. And even if you aren’t, lots of unattractive people have relationships. It’s much more to do with meeting likeminded individuals and putting yourself out there for dates.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2018 15:38

What happened with online?

Jezebelz · 31/10/2018 15:39

Sounds like it's the time to take up a sporty social hobby. Tennis? Running club?

explodingkitten · 31/10/2018 15:40

Are you easy to ask out? I have a gorgeous single friend who feels that she should play hard to get, so if someone shows interests she'll pull away from them or be nasty. She's approaching 50 and still single.

Original poster

strawintogold · 31/10/2018 15:42

Nothing really terry

I don’t really meet many people - never been ‘asked out.’

OP posts:

TheGrassIsGreener3 · 31/10/2018 15:45

I very much suspect that you are not unattractive.

Don't spend your time worrying/other thinking about when you'll meet someone. My advice: just live your life, do the things you enjoy, go to work, take part in hobbies, go out with friends be happy. I guarantee that you will meet someone.

Jezebelz · 31/10/2018 15:46

All my relationships (and good friendships) have come from stepping out my comfort zone and trying something new on my own.

It sounds like you're a bit shy but I would advise you to be brave and try something new. Not necessarily looking for a relationship but by joining a club or society you will naturally make friends and these friendships will widen the circle of people you know and make it more likely you will find a partner.

Original poster

strawintogold · 31/10/2018 15:47

I have done grass but I’ve been single since forever and it would be nice to be normal.

OP posts:

Jlynhope · 31/10/2018 15:48

Do you have close friends? Any one who would help set you up? How old are you?

Original poster

strawintogold · 31/10/2018 15:54

No, no one who could set me up ... I’m 37.

OP posts:

Mumminmum · 31/10/2018 16:11

Perhaps you have an unfortunate way of interacting with people? How about friends? Do you have friends? Because if you do, and they appear to be nice, friendly people, then maybe they can give you some feedback and maybe be wing men when you try to go out to meet a man. Maybe they know someone single, they could casually introduce you to?

If you don't have friends, your friends usually only remain friends with you for a short time or if your friends tend to be more the frenemy type friends or they like to bitch about other people, then the problem might be your personality. Here a therapist will be the best help.

I am sorry. I know that was not what you wanted to read, but I have met several people with really unpleasant personalities, who have no idea what so ever of the effect their behaviour has on other people. So they don't understand why people get mad at them or why they have problems in all their relationships with friends, family members etc.

I once had a coworker who only had relationsships last a couple of weeks and most usually ended in a one-night stand and she never heard from them again. She asked us, her coworkers, how that could be. We just all made non committal noises, because A) there was no nice way of saying it B) Saying it would have made her direct some of her nasty energy in our direction. Seriously: She had a short relationsship with a coworker and told the rest of the lunch group (10 -11 people) how he was in bed and made fun of the fact that he had glasses (which several members of the lunch group had as well). I wasn't going to introduce her to any of DH's single friends as I had no interest what so ever in hearing about how they were in the sack, I didn't want to be mean to DH's single friends and also I didn't want to risk having to spend any more time with her than I already did.

mumsastudent · 31/10/2018 16:13

volunteering - forget about actually finding the one for the moment & concentrate on socializing & making friends & making networks. try various forms of volunteering where things are done in groups & take up group activities like dancing etc see if there are any social groups around - its meeting people & making friends you should concentrate on. The friends & acquaintances will lead to more mixing & socializing & that will lead to making friends with prospective partners & things growing naturally from that.

Geraniumpink · 31/10/2018 16:13

Well first you need to venture out and meet people. I’m not convinced that being attractive and getting a partner are particularly connected. Find some undemanding groups to try out and be a bit brave. There’s plenty out there.

Veganfortheanimals · 31/10/2018 16:16

My Catholic Church has singleton nights ,meals and drinks ..maybe a church near you does the same.ive not had a lot of relationships either.im still with my first boyfriend...25 yrs later...so you only need to meet one person to click and settle down...my good friend met her husband older than you at 39. She's now mid 40s with 2 kids..she met on a blind date set up by her sister ..say yes to every invitation..and do new things ,go on single holidays ,find a Christian on line dating service..the men will more likely be looking to settle on a Christian one x good luck

FFSFFSFFS · 31/10/2018 16:17

then the problem might be your personality

jesus wept. It might be that you interact in an offensive way. But there are a zillion other reasons. Certainly you don't sound unpleasant from your posts.

You may have some sort of attachment disorder or other reason for having subconscious concerns about a relationship that is stopptin you from having one. I think it would be helpful to talk to a (good) therapist about that.

BTW Mumminmum if you're having a chat about being unaware of unpleasant personalities you might want to have a bit of a re read of your post. I suspect you are a "I just say it like it is type". Which most people find unpleasant....

Original poster

strawintogold · 31/10/2018 16:17

I do volunteer.

I honestly don’t know what it is!

OP posts:

JungDisciple · 31/10/2018 16:20

Do you have an attachment disorder? Do you only ever like men who aren't that in to you. Do you feel stifled by the men who are in to you? Are you left with a feeling that you don't like the ones who like you and you only like the ones who don't like you back?!

This is my sad story, caused by the fact that my parents just weren't that in to me. Sort of. They told me what I felt and told me what I thought and got angry with me if I tried to fight my corner but they ignored me as much as they could. I had to please and be good and never have any needs.

So the only time I've ever been in a committed relationship it was abusive tbh. He locked me down.

Just putting it out there. It might not be anything to do with your looks. Thought I'd suggest it. I'm no great looker either. Men have been interested in me but always the wrong ones. Never anybody I had any feelings for. Only had feelings for the ones who grey zoned me or benched me or used me for a relationship.

I'm just staying single now!

Rachel Heller and Amir Levine wrote a book called Attached if any of this strikes a chord. They also have clips about attachment styles on youtube.

JungDisciple · 31/10/2018 16:21

Original poster

strawintogold · 31/10/2018 16:21

What!?!

I don’t think I ever meet any men to like them.

OP posts:

gendercritter · 31/10/2018 16:23

I think with the situation you're in, it becomes a vicious cycle. You don't get asked out so you get more and more down about yourself. You either meet fewer and fewer men or you send out very closed off signals so people keep away.

I am quite sure you have lots to offer. Most people do.

I think in your shoes I would make a plan to spend 2019 exploring life more. Try to focus on having some fun, whatever that means for you. Try lots of new hobbies, join new clubs, get some therapy if needs be. Just don't do any of it to meet men - be really selfish. Focus on building your self-esteem. Have you done Zumba before? Language classes? A walking holiday? A working holiday with the National Trust? Volunteering?

I'd then start making a plan to talk to two men every single week - not to ask them out or flirt, just to talk to them so you get your confidence. It could be your postman or a shopkeeper or someone in the supermarket but just get yourself out your comfort zone. Ask them any old random thing to get a conversation going. Then you could think about online dating but I know that can be awful and there are other ways now to meet people.

I bet at the end of next year you'd then be feeling so much better about yourself and so much more confident that you have lots of things to offer someone. And there would be a really strong chance you'd meet someone along the way. If not, you'd be left feeling happier and with a fuller life. You only get one - it's so important to enjoy what you can of it.

gendercritter · 31/10/2018 16:27

Also bear in mind so, so many people are in rubbish relationships. Not all - I know there are happy couples too - but as a single person it's so easy to feel like a failure. But if you think about it if lots of people are stuck with abusers or with people who are disinterested in them or they live separate lives to their partner or have just fallen out of love with them. So really (to be depressing) lots of people are technically failing romantically. You aren't inferior. Take the pressure off yourself. That has helped me a lot

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 31/10/2018 16:27

I've been single for 9 years now. One relationship, one sexual partner. He cheated in me and denied for 8 months, totally fucking with my head, by being a mean gaslighting twat.

I connect with men up to a point, then it dries up. I have a habit of having crushes on unavailable men.

I also have no confidence so I dont believe I'll ever have another relationship. I've tried allsorts to improve my confidence, it never changes.

It makes me wonder why I am so repellent to men, but I've yet to work it out.

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