To think I must be unattractive

[strawintogold]

I’ve never had a proper relationship.

I think I always thought I’d meet somebody on the next ‘chapter’ of my life, so when it didn’t happen at college I thought perhaps university and then work ... it just hasn’t.

I’ve tried online dating.

I just can’t work it out. Others seem to have relationships so why don’t I?

Yeah I know gender

Just the same I am missing out on companionship and love and sex and family.

a list of good clips about attachment styles

Also look in to people pleasing, the trouble with being too nice.

I have come far along in this 'journey' to recognise takers, selfish men, abusers, but I am too nice still, too obliging, still cannot quosh the ingrained trait in me to accommodate the other person's wishes at the expense of my own. And after a while, a good man will realise that you're a people pleaser , even if he doesn't consciously have the measure of why he's gone off you. I get dumped after 7 weeks. Every time, I act independent and sassy when we're not a thing (because I am independent) but then when it's a thing I don't know how to act. How to negotiate, compromise so I over do it.

If I'm totally barking up the wrong tree just ignore these posts but thought one of them might resonate. Beverly Engel I think has a book about the syndrome of being too nice and how it can affect your relationships is a section.

Why don’t you meet any men? What job do you do?
I meet loads of men all the time as I do triathlon - are you sporty at all? You don’t have to be any good at it - just keen. It’s full of men - perfect place to meet loads of them, but I appreciate this only works if you are remotely interested in sport.
Good luck - it’s really hard to break out of the cycle of not going out/not bothering as ‘there’s no point’ but there really is. You might have to think tactically a bit more (so pick new hobbies that attract men - cycling is another one) but you’re not old and you have plenty of time.

I don’t have plenty of time though - maybe four more fertile years if I’m lucky

Is it confidence? You need to get out there and meet people or even actively date. I knew someone who went on 60 plus dates, mostly online dating I think, she marry and had babies and was a few years older than me.

Weirdly I’m terrible with friendships but never had a problem finding boyfriends. Met DH 11 years ago and it’s still going well. Being a bit of a natural flirt helps so it’s hard if you don’t send the right signals.

I don’t think I ever meet any men to like them

What? I'm so confused? If you don't socialise or meet any men how are any men suppose to like you or want a relationship with you? You're not sleeping beauty, a prince isn't going to come searching for you 

A friend once moaned that none of her ex boyfriends had ever proposed to her, I asked if she had wanted to marry any of them and after a think she said no, so why would she complain that none of them wanted to marry her.

Do you start chats on OLD or are you just waiting for them to contact you?

Well, I can’t help it that I don’t meet men - I do try.

Any helpful feedback from online dating? No single/divorced work colleagues or mutual friends?

No; I just think I’m not attractive to the opposite sex. I can’t think of any other reason.

I’m ugly as fuck but managed to find love. I actually doubt very much that you’re unattractive though!

Think you’ve just not met the right person x

Bit hard to meet anyone if you're scared of putting yourself out there, you have to accept a certain amount of failure and knock backs. And yes, as stated, it's less to do with looks and more to do with charm, some people have as much charm as a turnip but its a skill that can be learnt like any other. A good trick is to watch other women that seem to have a natural charm and copy them, or think of someone that makes you feel good when you're with them and copy what they do.

Are you generally negative and defeatist?

In my experience men can be a bit shallow, looks to an extent but not totally as plenty of not typically attractive women have relationships, but they prefer fun, outgoing, bubbly happy types. Exposing the depressive side or being ‘difficult’ or ‘complicated’ seems to be a turn off. Unless they are already smitten of course.

Being unattractive is only an issue if you like very good looking men. Plus it’s a good filter for idiots.

Do you meet people at work?

Are there work events you can go to ?

Have you ever had a crush on anyone?

I wouldn’t describe myself as negative at all.

I haven’t had a crush for ages but then I haven’t met anyone for ages. Nothing much on at work.

I met my Dp years ago after the car I was in broke down, and he helped me and my mate by getting us home. I didn't fancy him, but we randomly kept in contact. A year later we were together. The only reason I am highlighting this is because meeting someone can literally happen anywhere at any time. I have a few male friends who are pretty decent guys, in the past when I have asked them what they are attracted to in a women, the most prominent answer is confidence and being happy. I don't think men are that different from women, in that we all kind of want a connection, which generally starts from being friendly and chatting. I would definitely recommend putting yourself out there, not to get a bloke, but to meet people in social settings. The rest will follow.