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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum needs friends - where do I start?

32 replies

Annajohnsdottir · 31/10/2018 12:40

Not so much an AIBU, more posting here for traffic. Mods, feel free to move if you see fit!

My mum has no friends and I do mean that quite literally. Her mum and her three daughters (myself included) are her complete social circle. She works part time with 3 colleagues but never see's them outside of work as they all have school age kids to get home to, whereas my mum is late 50's and we've all flown the nest. Her husband works nights and they pass like ships in the night, only really seeing each other on a Sunday Sad

My mum has dedicated her life to her family and, whilst we love her dearly for it and wish to spend all the time in the world with her, it's consumed her. I want to find her some friends so she can go out, have a laugh and share some common ground. Maybe even discover a new hobby, just for her. She also spends a lot of time checking in on her mum, managing her day to day affairs, and she needs an outlet from that. Her mum is lovely too but she can be hard work.

She has a few health issues which limit the potential hobbies she can do. Arthritic hands are the main problem as she's losing the ability to grip things or hold heavy objects which gets her down and makes her self conscious. She also has arthritis elsewhere making exercise based activities impossible. She can't drink alcohol due to her arthritis medication. She loves a cup of tea and slice of cake, gardens, flowers, animals and a good laugh, amongst other things.

Any ideas on where I could start? I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and go from there but i'm struggling.

I thought about enrolling her on a flower arranging course (she dabbles at home) but didn't know if that would be seen as being too pushy?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 31/10/2018 12:43

Look a Spice or similar

It's a friendship group who arrange meals cinema sky diving type activities - your choice to tag along or not!! Have a look there may be a group in your area

MrsStrowman · 31/10/2018 12:43

WI? They do a lot of banking, for arranging, local community events etc. Does she knit? My aunt (47) goes to a knit and natter group! I also know people of all ages involved in local am dram or just local committees FIL is in his duties and still working but is on a committee to arrange the village music festival each year.

MrsStrowman · 31/10/2018 12:44

Baking and flower arranging! I funny think the WI are involved in banking...

HeyMacWey · 31/10/2018 12:45

Volunteering
Book club
History group

Could she manage a gentle yoga class?

Flippetydip · 31/10/2018 12:46

Ask her if she wants to go on the flower arranging course would probably be the best way of doing it.

Also, churches often provide a ready-made social scene so that might be worth pursuing? Ours has an over-60s group that meets on a Friday afternoon called "Tea Break" run by the over-60s for the over-60s which is not really related to the church at all - loads of the people that go don't go on a Sunday but it's invaluable to some of them who otherwise don't see anyone else. They do things like have visiting speakers, beetle drives, days out to gardens etc.

emmaluvseeyore · 31/10/2018 12:48

What about a community choir? I’m in Rock Choir and love it. It’s so good for your mental health and there’s no audition. You don’t have to be a good singer or do any performances.

Also volunteering with Girlguiding is great. Everyone is really friendly and there are loads of roles, not just being a leader. I’ve got loads of local friends and friends all over the country that I’ve made through Girlguiding.

SnuggyBuggy · 31/10/2018 12:48

To be honest I think she has to want this for herself.

justpaintit · 31/10/2018 12:50

I second the WI. If she can find a group she clicks with it can be an excellent source of interest, fun, support and learning. At ours the women range from early 40s up to 80s. Some have physical challenges like arthritis but it just doesn’t matter. Everyone is welcome and you can take part in activities in a way that suits you .

MatildaTheCat · 31/10/2018 12:51

I’m going to guess that finding potential hobbies or groups won’t be the issue so much as persuading her to give things a try.

Aquasize is great for people with bad joints and can be very social once you get to know the other members. WI has a good following. Choir or singing groups are good for going to alone. Joining a local church is an excellent way to meet people and often not especially ‘religious ‘ more community involvement. Book clubs are nice and not too big a commitment.

Build on her interests and maybe suggest trying a few things but unless she wants new friends I wonder if she will bother.

Mumminmum · 31/10/2018 12:51

Communal activities, where you don't need well functioning hands: Book club, library user group, WI, church activity group, volunteer dog walker at a dog shelter. Maybe some charity organization could use her to man the phone occasionally.

She could volunteer at a school. At our primary school they have voulnteers coming in to ensure, that all the children in year 1-3 read aloud every day. She wouldn't need to lift anything, though she might need to sign a book to document that the child has read aloud that day. Maybe she could ask the school if she could use a rubber stamp instead of signing, if she has trouble holding a pen.

And maybe you and your sisters could each do one chore for your grandmother every month. That would save your mum for doing three things a month for her.

Birdie69 · 31/10/2018 12:52

Where do I start ?

You don't start. You let her live her life as she chooses. I'm just like your Mum and I'd hate it if my AC to decided they wanted to find me some friends !

You say you are putting yourself in her shoes, but you aren't, really. You are in your own shoes, and you think you know what your mother needs. I'd suggest that you stop trying to change her life - she obviously loves living as she does so stop trying to change it. I'm sure she is aware of these things which you want her to do .....but she doesn't want to do them .

Leave her alone - she'll be fine.

Hidillyho · 31/10/2018 12:54

Knitting! It’s great for arthritic hands as it will help mobilise them a bit better. It’s also therapeutic (I have arthritis all over).

What medication is she on? I’m going to guess methotrexate as it’s one of the ones you can’t drink on. Has this ever been reviewed? I have really sever RA and methotrexate just didn’t work. Newly started on another medication and I am getting my life back. You can still have a very active life if arthritis is properly managed. Sadly people do not realise this and settle for a less active life as they think there is no better alternative. Please feel free to PM me if you want.
Your mum is probably older than me (I’m in my 30s) as she has grown up children but I really would hope that she could get more normality away from arthritis (I was using a walking stick a few months ago and couldn’t dress myself) so I do understand how hard it can be

OliviaStabler · 31/10/2018 12:55

Do you know that she actually wants a wider social circle?

Fairyliz · 31/10/2018 12:57

Bloody hell I could be your mum, late 50s elderly MIL and two grown daughters.

If either of my daughters tried to find friends for me I would give them a slap! Has she actually asked you to help, told you she is lonely? If not I would really butt out, you said she has arthritis not dementia. Surely if she wanted to join a club etc she would go ahead and do so. If she works presumably she can travel independently to work and use the internet?

TBH you make her sound late 80's not late 50's I would be mortified if one of my daughters wrote this about me.

florentina1 · 31/10/2018 12:57

Get her to join Gransnet. In her first post she can just say the rough area she lives in and ask if there are any meet ups. These are usually lesss than 6 ladies who either meet on regular monthly basis or less frequently.

I have never had friends because I am a very private personThe great thing about these meetings is that you can contribute as little or as much about yourself as you want, In my little group we don’t have each other’s contact, details meetings are set up via the Gransnet site.

We talk about everything, from total trivia, finding a plumber or decorator, funny habits or just gossip. It’s all light hearted and I have met five lovely ladies who are my age. We all had different jobs, nog all are grannies, and have quite different social backgrounds.

Do you think she would like to go to a meet up? Maybe you could give me a general area where she lives and I can check if there are any groups going,

CurbsideProphet · 31/10/2018 12:59

My local library runs lots of daytime social groups. Could that be an option?

Volunteering for an organisation linked to her interests? I've met some lovely people of all ages through volunteering.

Chair Yoga should be ok with her arthritis? Search her postcode and chair yoga:
www.bwy.org.uk/find-a-yoga-class/

You sound like a very kind daughter wanting to help her Smile

ASatisfyingThump · 31/10/2018 13:00

Have you actually asked if she wants new friends or a hobby? She could be perfectly content with her life as it is.

Deadringer · 31/10/2018 13:02

Unless this is coming from her it's pointless. I am a little younger, in my early 50s and don't really have hobbies or friends, well I have one good friend but very rarely see her, and I am perfectly happy. I would hate my kids signing me up for anything, if i wanted to do stuff I would organize it myself. Sorry, not the sort of reply you were hoping for.

possumgoddess · 31/10/2018 13:02

I am also a bit like your Mum and I would hate to have my life organised for me. However I would welcome some useful suggestions or information. Our local theatre has a sort of 'club' for people who want to go to the theatre alone. (Definitely NOT a singles club!) It provides pre-theatre meetings, drinks, etc. and I think there is a specific seating area. If people just want to book one theatre ticket that is fine, but for people who don't want to sit on their own and would rather be part of a group it is a good idea, and it doesn't cost anything. If I was on my own I would definitely do it. I would also go to church more often probably (currently twice a year) as the church I go to has fantastic social events, and I have told my husband that when we both retire we need to start to go to the Age UK lunch club - not because either of us is incapable of cooking but because if either of us gets left on our own it means that we will have somewhere to go out and meet people, even if they are not exactly friends. At the moment our lives definitely revolve around each other and our children and when one of us pops our clogs I don't want our children to feel that they have to look after us otherwise we will be alone.

starrynitelight · 31/10/2018 13:06

Id book you both onto the flower arranging course and then she's not doing it on her own and you could be the conversation starter between her and others??

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 31/10/2018 13:12

Does she actually want friends? I have no friends and I'm perfectly happy just socialising online. I would be quite annoyed if my children started organising me into a social circle Confused

Gazelda · 31/10/2018 13:32

I agree with others that I'd be upset if my (hypothetical) adult daughter tried to get me some friends.
I wouldn't be unhappy though if she enrolled me on a course I am interested in, or a course that the 2 of us could do together.

teaandtoast · 31/10/2018 13:42

You might find that her current shoes are really quite comfortable for her.

Is the real issue that you don't want to spend as much time with her?

ileclerc · 31/10/2018 13:44

Sounds like my MIL. She would be horrified if we did anything like that for her.

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2018 13:46

WI! And you could go along with her to start with...

Does it bother her? Because that's the starting point.