My mum needs friends - where do I start?

[Annajohnsdottir]

Not so much an AIBU, more posting here for traffic. Mods, feel free to move if you see fit!

My mum has no friends and I do mean that quite literally. Her mum and her three daughters (myself included) are her complete social circle. She works part time with 3 colleagues but never see's them outside of work as they all have school age kids to get home to, whereas my mum is late 50's and we've all flown the nest. Her husband works nights and they pass like ships in the night, only really seeing each other on a Sunday

My mum has dedicated her life to her family and, whilst we love her dearly for it and wish to spend all the time in the world with her, it's consumed her. I want to find her some friends so she can go out, have a laugh and share some common ground. Maybe even discover a new hobby, just for her. She also spends a lot of time checking in on her mum, managing her day to day affairs, and she needs an outlet from that. Her mum is lovely too but she can be hard work.

She has a few health issues which limit the potential hobbies she can do. Arthritic hands are the main problem as she's losing the ability to grip things or hold heavy objects which gets her down and makes her self conscious. She also has arthritis elsewhere making exercise based activities impossible. She can't drink alcohol due to her arthritis medication. She loves a cup of tea and slice of cake, gardens, flowers, animals and a good laugh, amongst other things.

Any ideas on where I could start? I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and go from there but i'm struggling.

I thought about enrolling her on a flower arranging course (she dabbles at home) but didn't know if that would be seen as being too pushy?

I agree with Whirlygig. Does she actually want more demands on her time, attending to friends? Has she said she's lonely? With the house, three daughters, part time work, her various interests, she probably enjoys some down time.

Thank you all so much for your very quick and helpful responses already! I'm going to look into them all, with the exception of the knitting based ones. Unfortunately she's no longer able to hold knitting needles as she can't grip them, but I appreciate the idea!

To those saying it has to come from her and she has to want it, I truly believe she does now. She has never said outright that she wants the things for her that I outlined in my original post but she has been hinting for a year or so now that she needs a change and wants something more than just running around after her family. I don't think she'll ever put it so bluntly for fear of offending us but it seems to be getting to her more and more recently. An activity with like minded people once a week could be the answer?

I know if i'd broached this with her a couple of years ago I'd have gotten nowhere and been told to leave her be, that she's fine as she is. I think she may have even been mad at me as some of you suggest, but not now. I genuinely think she'd like to try new things if the opportunity arose and she had a hand hold along the way, at least to start.

I don't want to organise her life, far from it, and she wouldn't let me even if I tried. I just want to help and encourage her to do something for herself and make some new friends along the way like she genuinely seems to want to. She doesn't have the confidence to make the first step on her own so I want to help her like she has me over the years.

My mum joined an over 50s group that does loads of classes. She's been to keep fit, art, computers, yoga, tai chi and 3 different languages.
Her social circle is huge now they go out for coffee or meals and she's been on holiday with them too.
She found out about it at the local library

Try U3A - University of the 3rd Age. Branches all over the country. Our has 43 different interest groups. French convo, art appreciation, local history, travel, Grumpy old Ladies.. etc.

Your mum sounds a bit like me .Same age same DCs and keeping an eye on my elderly ,frail mum too.I do actually have quite a few friends but also love my own company.Indeed after 30 plus busy years running around for work and family relish time at home just pottering,especially in the garden.In the past I've done night classes etc but now hate to be tied to a time for anything.So choirs ,WI and big groups don't appeal.However you say your mum likes animals.Has she ever had a dog?Only asking because on the days when I feel like a bit more company I can always find someone to chat to out with my dogs,if I want to.Indeed the dogs are my hobby I guess and walking miles is a great mood booster.There are animal charities always looking volunteer walkers.Or there is the Cinammon Trust charity that links volunteers with people who due to ill health or circumstances can't walk their own dog,but don't want to rehome a much loved pet.Just an idea if your mum really does express a need for something else.

Update!

Over the course of the last week I've researched all the ideas and information on the groups and activities you all suggested. I sat down with my mum and told her about them all and she was very curious and excited about all but a couple.

She's decided that she would like to probably join our local WI group as a start. When they hold their monthly meeting at the end of the month we're going to go along together and see what she thinks of it. They hold (bring your own) craft nights in between their monthly meetings and she suggested she could do her flower arranging there rather than at home on her own. No prompt necessary from me! Sounds promising

She has two cats and wants a dog but won't get one because of the cats, so walking someone else's dog was a winning idea. The cinnamon trust currently don't have anyone who needs a dog walking in her area but she's registered with them to see what comes up in future.

I asked mum if she'd had any thoughts or seen any groups that interested her but she said only aquacise at the local pool but she's not able to do right now because pushing her hands through the water really hurts. So she's also booked in with her GP to review her arthritis medication to see if there are any alternatives which might improve this and allow her to do it. Big thanks to HidillyHo for all your help and advice on how to go about that!

So thank you again for your helpful suggestions. Looks like we're on the way to making my mum some friends and giving her something just for her

Excellent!

With regards to the WI - it's fine to just turn up on the night, but speaking to them first often gives you a 'flavour' and if there's more than one locally don't discount them as some are a better 'fit'.

And you definitely get to know the others better by joining the ''sub-groups. - craft, book, lunch, walking, whatever. I've got to know so many people-it's great!