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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like nobody cares about our children as much?

45 replies

greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 11:02

My BILs gf had their first baby in July (baby M), three weeks after I then had my third baby. MIL sees baby M once a week, sometimes twice a week. She's met our baby once Sad and that was just a random bumped into her in the town and she peered into the pram.
I've just seen on fb that my husband's auntie has given BIL a Halloween outfit for their little one. She's never given us anything (I know I know it's not about being given stuff!!) But again hasn't even met our little one.
The last time MIL seen our eldest dd was last Christmas, hasn't seen my son since his 3rd birthday (16 months ago!!) Nobody cares do they? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 11:05

And of course, I invited them to the hospital, quite different to the posts on here I WELCOMED visitors, would have paid people to visit. I've invited them over to our house (new only moved in in march) I've invited them out for lunch, I've asked if we could stop by, nothing. The only person that comes to our house is FIL
It just feels v sad.
BIL even said that they get out 3 times a week to have date nights, the last time we had a date night was April 2017!! Everyone falls over themselves to babysit for him but won't even offer for us, even if it was just taking the youngest. I understand three is hard work (believe me I live it every day!!) I wouldn't expect that of anybody but even an offer would be nice Sad

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2018 11:08

Surely there must be a backstory to this. Have you fallen out with your MIL in the past?

Original poster
greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 11:09

No not that I'm aware of, I did text her about lunch about meeting up, she never replies.
The last time we actually had a text from her was when our baby was born. Before that was when dd turned 1 although she was a week late

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2018 11:12

Have you not asked her? Your dh? Your FIL what is going on?

Seems very strange unless their is something else what has happened in the past.

SilverLining10 · 31/10/2018 11:13

Agree that there must he a huge backstory here. Normal families dont do this. Were they involved with your first DC?

Is your bil the favored son?

Original poster
greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 11:14

FIL and her do not speak
Dh doesn't care, I do but can never seem to get a hold of her

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 31/10/2018 11:14

How does your DH feel about it?

Original poster
greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 11:14

My first dc is not my husband's but he has adopted him now
So my second was their first grandchild

OP posts:
Santaisgettingbusy · 31/10/2018 11:15

I am nc with mil after she snubbed ds - her only dgc!!
Op honestly as long as the dc have you, be glad you don't have to share your time with such folks.
Means you can do your own thing Christmas /birthdays /and fuck them all.
No regrets from me at all.
Block them all on sm so you don't have to know what they are doing.
Your life will be better.

SilverLining10 · 31/10/2018 11:17

It seems as though theres issues before you came into the family. I wouldnt push so hard to get your MiL to be involved. Shes clearly favouring here, do you really want your kids around that?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2018 11:18

Dh doesn't care

So have they fallen out? Never been close?

Batteriesallgone · 31/10/2018 11:19

DH’s ‘not caring’ could well be a front to hide his hurt at his brother always being favoured. I would forget about her she sounds unpleasant.

Original poster
greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 11:19

He doesn't care because he doesn't think he should chase people, he's always been funny like that
No he hasn't fallen out with her, don't speak to fall out lol

OP posts:
gamerchick · 31/10/2018 11:24

I think just stop trying. She obviously wants to make her bed and lie in it.

Might come in handy later on in life when she requires care. The golden son can deal with it Wink

PinkHeart5914 · 31/10/2018 11:28

I don’t think your dh is funny like that, I think he has it absolutely right. Never chase anyone, never try and force anyone to be in child’s life is the way to do it.

To be involved it requires effort of both sides and she’s giving you nothing so you give her the same back

Original poster
greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 11:30

There is another two BIL but one he despises and the other he is rather close to

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2018 11:31

It sounds like they have had a non existant relationship before you and your dc came along. I would honestly not waste anymore time thinking about it.

Original poster
greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 11:33

Still it's not just MIL, nobody else seems to bother either Sad

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Likeshyt · 31/10/2018 11:34

Sounds like DH and MIL don’t really have a good relationship whereas MIL and BIL do... and that’s fine. Because you shouldn’t have to beg for someone’s love. There’s obviously a reason why DH and MIL don’t speak, and it seems like she’s happy enough to carry that through to her DGC. Your children deserve better. My gran on my dads side could have chose to have something to do with me, even when my dad didn’t want to. They didn’t. I don’t wallow on that, if they bothered they would have had a loving, caring, loyal granddaughter like my other gran did. The children deserve true love and blood sometimes doesn’t represent or provide that OP. Lots of love. X

Ifoundanacorn · 31/10/2018 11:36

There is no love lost between your dh and his mother clearly, so this is bound to impact how she feels about her gc.

I would stop wasting time worrying about what could have been, and focus on building another support network. You have your own family now, so focus on them and forget about her.

Do you have family? Friends?

Stop chasing a pipe dream and accept she will never be the grandmother you hope she will be. I would stop bothering full stop.

SilverLining10 · 31/10/2018 11:37

So if he doesn't care to chase people and that's his family, then why are you?
If they dont bother with him then why would you expect to have an impact?
Honestly just don't give them much more headspace

LimboLuna · 31/10/2018 11:38

We are the same ten years in the hurt doesn't get easier, i try not to let it bother me or the kids. Actually the kids just take it on face value, and have never questioned the fact the other grand children have rooms in their house, holidays, weekends away plus clothes and toys bought. I have waited or it to be questioned and it never has been.
I have recently changed tact (got pissed off with an identical situation but so much help was offered whilst none for us) and just don't bother now. One side I've not seen for 18 months now and the other twice this year (they live 5 miles away). Ive bounced around different ways of dealing with it, I've tried making so much effort, I've tried taking what they are comfortable with so the kids still have a relationship. But honestly, i cant be fucked now.
It still hurts, but i have it rammed less in my face now. I didn't intend for it to last this long it was just a case of "i'll wait for them to notice I haven't called or been round" and here we are 18 months later!!!
I think its harder for the parents as we wonder why, is it something we've done, could we do more? Do less? etc etc.
I am sorry your going through it too, i don't have an answer just sympathy Flowers
Surround your kids with love and although they will notice, they wont feel it.

Ifoundanacorn · 31/10/2018 11:41

Op We were in the same position, no one could care less about our children. We just accepted and built up a (paid) network (reliable babysitter etc) should we need help and got on with it. We are a very close family fourteen years later as we have managed life and dropped our expectations of others to help us (they never did, not even in an emergency situation)

It was liberating not to have to do the weekend visits, and we could limit our commitments and frame our lives the way we wanted to. There is a huge silver lining if you look for it.

I promise once you accept this, and stop caring it will stop mattering.

The only people your children actually need to care about them is: you. Being the best parent you can be is the most wonderful gift to your children, that and good friends to share occasions.

Be emotionally independent, have plan B lined up for the days when you do need help and stand on your own two feet.

Original poster
greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 11:46

No I have no family and no friends it's very upsetting. There's no accepting it, I'm fucking stuck daily in a house of noise, nappies and fucking failure. I just want a break Sad
My mum hasn't even held our youngest dd. I think we must be incredibly shit people to be left so alone

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CaledonianQueen · 31/10/2018 11:46

It sounds like how things were in my DH’s family- both parents narcissists with golden child and scapegoat each. MIL had DH as golden child and BIL as scapegoat. FIL had BIL as golden child and DH as scapegoat. We are NC now so BIL is golden child to both now.

Unfortunately you cannot force a relationship to work! Clearly your DH is close to his Dad, he isn’t bothered that his Mum isn’t interested. It sounds like a very dysfunctional family so your babies are best kept away from them anyway!

Do you have family OP? Do you have Mum friends who you could swap babysitting duties with? Your DC are clearly very young, do you have any dc at a private nursery? If you do you could enquire if any of the nursery workers do babysitting.