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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like nobody cares about our children as much?

45 replies

greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 11:02

My BILs gf had their first baby in July (baby M), three weeks after I then had my third baby. MIL sees baby M once a week, sometimes twice a week. She's met our baby once Sad and that was just a random bumped into her in the town and she peered into the pram.
I've just seen on fb that my husband's auntie has given BIL a Halloween outfit for their little one. She's never given us anything (I know I know it's not about being given stuff!!) But again hasn't even met our little one.
The last time MIL seen our eldest dd was last Christmas, hasn't seen my son since his 3rd birthday (16 months ago!!) Nobody cares do they? Sad

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 31/10/2018 11:48

Could mil have created sides?

You speak to fil so can't have a relationship with her??

RomanyRoots · 31/10/2018 11:49

OP, it's nice to have close extended family, but we didn't have this either.
You just have to put them out of your mind. If you are reading this on social media fix settings so you don't see it.
If bil is saying about the date nights to your face, tell him how lucky they are, how lovely that must be and how you have nobody.

Jlynhope · 31/10/2018 11:58

Does your mum live close by? Have you other mum friends?

Original poster
greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 12:00

She's a 20 minute drive away but doesn't bother with us much
No no friends, we only moved here in march and there's no kids, in fact I've only seen one of the neighbours despite there been 11 houses just steps away!

OP posts:
Jlynhope · 31/10/2018 12:00

Our family is on the other side of the country and due to ds's sns we could never use them as a babysitter anyways. We've created our own little family though through friends. Do you have any close friends around? Family is nice but it's not everything.

Jlynhope · 31/10/2018 12:01

Sorry just saw you moved! You will meet people. It took me about a year and a half to make friends when we moved. Now 6 years later we know most of the neighbourhood. Can you go round and introduce yourself? Or are their any mummy playgroups to join?

Jlynhope · 31/10/2018 12:02

there not thier

faeriequeen · 31/10/2018 12:07

Is it because you have three maybe? My mil made a huge fuss of her first gc, my Bil's child, but by their third and fourth she was much less interested. Not sure why! She was more interested in our first, although no one will ever match gc number one for her.

Ifoundanacorn · 31/10/2018 12:07

Green that sounds so hard and tiring and back breaking.

Can you and dh take it in turns giving each other breaks? Can you save up once a month and get a local babysitter?

Your family sound awful, how come your mum hasn't held your baby assuming you are in contact with her?

I am not surprised you are so upset. It will get better as time goes by you find new ways of coping.

Can you go to playgroups etc to meet new friends? This would be make a really massive difference to the quality of your life.

Ifoundanacorn · 31/10/2018 12:15

Make a list of who cares and shows you that they do. So FIL is definitely one there at least. Start organising fun things with him, expand your friendships, and start to focus on ways to meet other mothers with new babies.

This is a blip, you have moved you feel isolated but you won't always feel this way.

CaledonianQueen · 31/10/2018 12:16

I would start going to your local toddler group. Are you Christian? I ask as a church family would really be there for you if you were in need. Our local baptist church has play groups and Sunday school as well as lots of different family activities. If someone is in need they really crowd round and support the family!

Clearly this is not an option if you have different beliefs but it is worth considering especially as there will be lots of young families there and you could find friends that way.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2018 12:23

That is crap, they obviously favour their other sibling over your dh and his family. I would just go nc with them for your sakes, maybe delete them from social media and the like. Very sad for you Flowers.

ButchyRestingFace · 31/10/2018 12:30

No he hasn't fallen out with her, don't speak to fall out lol

Has he ever been close to her? Presumably his brother is close to her and that is why she has such a good relationship with his kids?

It sucks. I can empathise how difficult it is to be isolated from family. Flowers I agree with the person about unfollowing them on SM if you haven't done so already, at least you won't be getting your face rubbed in it.

Original poster
greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 12:30

It's certainly not because we have 3. Their first gc, niece etc still wasn't given anything. Many family on my husband's side haven't seen her since Christmas or longer. The two other bil (one in my op) haven't seen her since she was 3 months old, she's not far off two now.
No babysitter around here will take my youngest, so a bit pointless paying 20 quid an hour when we've still got the youngest with us

OP posts:
JessieLemon · 31/10/2018 12:37

The only thing I can think of is that maybe she was unhappy your DH got together with a woman who already had a child with someone else and therefore she’s kinda written your family off in her mind despite the fact you’ve got biological kids of your own together too. Some people are super traditional like that, and would be gutted if their child ended up (in their eyes) raising another man’s child. It’s nasty but maybe that’s why.

You do have to let this go OP and accept it as holding onto the anger and sadness will hurt only you. Not everyone gets along and there’s no rule to say family relationships have to be fair or equal. It’s painful but if your DH has accepted it and it’s his own family I think it’d benefit everyone if you can try to as well. You can’t change her and you never will.

I feel for you, I’m an auntie who can’t see her nephews anymore and it breaks my heart when I read of people whose extended families don’t care about or put any effort into their kids as I’d kill to be a part of their lives. But ultimately this is how things are and all of the resentment in the world won’t change it. It’ll just hurt you.

Original poster
greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 12:38

The local group to me is up a set of stairs and I can't get the double pram up there 😭
The other one was 25 minutes away but has just closed down. I tried to save it by raising money and offering to volunteer but there wasn't enough people to save it
Mum doesn't hold dd I'm not sure why she doesn't ask to. Just comes in the house and does her own thing. We have a bit of a funny relationship in where I think my own Dbro is golden child and can do no wrong ect. I feel second best.
Guess I'm just gonna have to suck it up and accept this is just life now

OP posts:
Alfie190 · 31/10/2018 12:42

Nothing you have said suggests you are a shit person, this issue is something to do with your DH not you,. For whatever reason, he isn't as close to his family as you would like. But there is nothing you can do about it and you need to stop trying to force a relationship with his family.

Focus on your own family, you are very blessed to have them.

LimboLuna · 31/10/2018 13:48

I think of it like a birds nest, with siblings being the noisy ones who peep loudest and first so the parents believe they are the most in need. When in fact the quiet little one behind is the one who needs the food the most but just gets by on the tit bits the stronger one "allows" to be shared.
By nature of this you are seen to be more capable and stronger then the sibling, but the reality is you've just learnt to get on with it as that help isn't coming.

I am sorry this is your life too, we are incredibly close as our tiny unit is never apart. We do family days together and only do things we can take the children, if one of us has an operation or hospital appointment, they go on their own. Its crap but it is what it is. We've been let down too many times to ask or rely on it. We know just how far we come down the pecking order.

sollyfromsurrey · 31/10/2018 17:09

I'm not sure why you are expecting more from your MIL than you do from your own mother? How is MILs relationship with ALL the BILs? You said there were more. It sounds like neither of you comes from very functional families.....don't think it is going to suddenly change. It can be very lonely. It gets better once they are at school as you will meet so many other mums but yes, the early years are tough for many.

Original poster
greeenghostie · 31/10/2018 19:05

Because I already know my own mum doesn't give a shit.
She speaks to one BIL when she sees him but he doesn't have kids. But wouldn't go out of her way to meet up with him.
My wee boy is already at school and still haven't found anybody to speak to

OP posts:
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