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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to take my DD to her friends tomorrow.

49 replies

okeydokeygirl · 30/10/2018 22:18

My DD is almost 14. She has minimal daily chores that she should do (empty dishwasher and recycling and occasional hanging up washing) but it is like pulling teeth trying to get her to do them. Last night I had a bit of a hissy fit about her not doing stuff that she should do. Evening ended nicely with us both saying sorry to each other. Today I phoned DD from work at 3.35 and asked her to collect our dog from my parents who look after her (dog) during the day. We live in a rural village and parents live max 5 mins walk a few streets away. DD refused to go as she 'had just got home'. About 30 mins later I checked with my parents and DD had not collected the dog. I messaged DD to say ' please go round and collect dog'. When I got home there was no dog and DD said she would not go round so I had to go and get her. AIBU to refuse to take DD to where she wants to go tomorrow night now. I know she is only 13 but I feel that she needs to be taught not to be so entitled to a taxi when she won't help out a bit. If she does not go tomorrow it will not affect anyone else just DD.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 30/10/2018 22:19

Not unreasonable at all.

InspectorIkmen · 30/10/2018 22:20

Hell no! Of course don't take her. In fact I'd be withdrawing privileges too. She'll get tired of it before you do.

JohnCRaven · 30/10/2018 22:23

YANBU

MarilynsDressOnAVent · 30/10/2018 22:23

Nope, not unreasonable at all. In my house we help each other out. If DD doesn't do the bare minimum that we expect then she won't be getting favours off us.

Birdsgottafly · 30/10/2018 22:23

If that's part of what she has to do in the house and she isn't doing it, then privileges stop.

She doesn't have a dog, though. You do. Children can't be fully responsible for a dog.

KC225 · 30/10/2018 22:24

YANBU. And don't give in.

Original poster
okeydokeygirl · 30/10/2018 22:25

Inspectorlkmen Normally I would remove phone and/or other access to screens as this is generally the only thing that has any impact. E.g if you don't do this you will not have phone tomorrow. I ALWAYS follow through if needed. I have rarely been able to say 'you can't go to friend/they can't come here' as it would be unfair to punish the friend but on this occasion I feel I can refuse to take her as it will not impact on anyone else.

OP posts:
Miggeldy · 30/10/2018 22:28

YANBU

Original poster
okeydokeygirl · 30/10/2018 22:28

Birdsgottafly She does not have responsibility for the dog. When we got the dog I knew it would be my responsibility. However, it was something that needed doing on this occasion just as I would expect her to feed the dog if i did not get home in time and phoned and reminded her.

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 30/10/2018 22:28

Yes please don't take her and it might make her think twice in the future about ignoring your reasonable request.

letsdolunch321 · 30/10/2018 22:29

Definitely stick by your guns no lift tomorrow.

Butterymuffin · 30/10/2018 22:31

Totally reasonable consequence!

Have you told her yet or are you waiting till tomorrow?

babbscrabbs · 30/10/2018 22:32

I would explain that I was upset to find the dog hadn't been picked up and that it created extra hassle for you and your DPs, and now you don't feel like driving her round tomorrow.

But personally I'd give her a chance to make amends too by helping you out. Maybe you could make a deal that when/if she does x and y in the day - making up for the extra time and hassle by removing some - then you will take her later.

Janus · 30/10/2018 22:33

I guess this is some type of Halloween party/get together?? So she'd be super peed off not to go? Not sure if I could take that away but I’d want to!
I’d sit her down and say you don’t want to take her as she couldn’t do you a favour that would take a total of 10 minute of her time. Let her know that if you take her to this party the next time you need something done you expect her to help you like you are helping her by taking out tomorrow. Tell her if she lets you down next time you will not do any lifts for a week so she has to know that your time is valuable.

Original poster
okeydokeygirl · 30/10/2018 22:33

Just to clarify, Looking after the dog is NOT one of her regular chores. It is something that I occasionally ask her to help with if I can't get home in time or am especially busy or unwell. Even then it is only feeding the dog , collecting from parents and very rarely a very short walk in the field at the end of the road.

OP posts:
InspectorIkmen · 30/10/2018 22:34

Of course she has to bloody well help out with the dog if needed. She’s part of the family just like the dog and if her mother asks her to do a small thing to help then she does it. What on earth mithering about her ‘not having responsibility for the dog’? She has a responsibility to act like a functioning part of the family unit ffs and if she can’t do that then her life should become slightly less comfortable while she thinks about herself

Original poster
okeydokeygirl · 30/10/2018 22:39

Yes it is a Halloween thing. I have told her I am not taking her. I have had numerous occasions in the past where she has refused to do stuff but still expected me to take her places and have already had these conversations. She has normally ended up doing what expected but after much grief on min and DH part.The pattern is generally be super nice to get what she wants then ditch all of that once she has got her way. I have had enough. I feel that this time she should not have the benefit of the conversation again. It is possible her dad will take her if she is super helpful tomorrow but that is up to him. I feel I need to stick to my guns but was not sure if I was BU.

OP posts:
GemmeFatale · 30/10/2018 22:41

Natural consequences. She couldn’t be bothered to collect the dog so you had to do it. As a result you are now too tired to take her to the party.

PersonaNonGarter · 30/10/2018 22:42

Yes, actions speak louder than words. Don’t discuss it further. Don’t take her.

Janus · 30/10/2018 22:45

Ok, if you’ve had this conversation before and she also regularly doesn’t help when asked I’d not take her either! Sorry but I do honestly think kids should be taught to help out their parents. It’s not all one way where parents do everything and kids don’t have to help out on tasks that aren’t previohy agreed! I saw a good Facebook post about children feeling ‘entitled’ and I can see the relevance!

one2three4five · 30/10/2018 22:49

Where did the OP say that her DD has responsibility for the dog?! I've re-read twice and I'm clearly missing it?! Asking your child to help with the family dog is not passing responsibility to them! I have a six year old, and I am well aware that our dogs are the responsibility of DH and I, however, my DS is more than capable of feeding them when asked, or letting them in the garden if they need it. What's the problem with that?!

In response to your AIBU- no, you are not! She is more than capable of doing the things you have asked, and if she won't then she needs to learn that there will be consequences.

UnleashTheBulsara · 30/10/2018 22:52

The pattern is generally be super nice to get what she wants then ditch all of that once she has got her way.

So she is quite manipulative and consequences of her actions aren't followed through with? I'd be stamping that out now, before it gets any worse. You have to be utterly consistent with this: if you say "I asked you to do X and you did not. I have asked you already before this. The result is you will not have any access to screens or wifi for X days." And stick to it. It doesn't matter if she's acting remorseful, the consequences have to stay in place for the stated duration.

Otherwise she will carry on doing just what she wants to do. That's not in her best interests long term, nor your family's.

speakout · 30/10/2018 22:56

Sounds like you have stormy waters in the years ahead.

I would work on your relationship with your DD.

Fairenuff · 30/10/2018 22:57

I would not be happy if DH gave her the lift instead. I would expect him to back me. That would be classic running from one parent to the other. Get him onside and make sure that he reinforces your message instead of giving her a get out clause.

ButchyRestingFace · 30/10/2018 22:58

Not at all unreasonable. Just be prepared for the crying/shouting/whining.