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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse to take my DD to her friends tomorrow.

49 replies

okeydokeygirl · 30/10/2018 22:18

My DD is almost 14. She has minimal daily chores that she should do (empty dishwasher and recycling and occasional hanging up washing) but it is like pulling teeth trying to get her to do them. Last night I had a bit of a hissy fit about her not doing stuff that she should do. Evening ended nicely with us both saying sorry to each other. Today I phoned DD from work at 3.35 and asked her to collect our dog from my parents who look after her (dog) during the day. We live in a rural village and parents live max 5 mins walk a few streets away. DD refused to go as she 'had just got home'. About 30 mins later I checked with my parents and DD had not collected the dog. I messaged DD to say ' please go round and collect dog'. When I got home there was no dog and DD said she would not go round so I had to go and get her. AIBU to refuse to take DD to where she wants to go tomorrow night now. I know she is only 13 but I feel that she needs to be taught not to be so entitled to a taxi when she won't help out a bit. If she does not go tomorrow it will not affect anyone else just DD.

OP posts:

SchadenfreudeUndeadified · 30/10/2018 23:00

Dog is family. 13 is old enough to occasionally walk/ feed/ pick up poo.

You are NOT unreasonable to ask her to collect the dog and bring him/her home. Family members do things for each other. She refused to do this for you (and for do and for Grandparents - they doubtless wanted the dog to be taken home)

Don't give her a lift.

Threeminis · 30/10/2018 23:01

Definitely do not give her a lift. In fact, have a when you come back from work - that way you can't drive no matter how much she complains.

In regards to the "responsibility for the dog" comment - nonsense. My ds is 6 and his job is to feed our dcat, it's a family pet, not mine or anyone else's (in all honesty he believes we belong to him)

InspectorIkmen · 30/10/2018 23:01

OP didn’t say DD has responsibility for the dog. A PP suggested that the dog was not DD’s responsibility - the implication being that OP was being unreasonable expecting help with the dog.

Threeminis · 30/10/2018 23:03

Hmm.. my wine emoji didn't work. Meant to say, have a wine.

I got that Inspector, maybe wasn't clear reading it back though

Akanamali · 30/10/2018 23:05

She won't learn anything if your DH takes her to the party so you should ask him to back you up on this.

Maelstrop · 30/10/2018 23:06

Definitely don’t take her and don’t let dh do it either. You both need to be on the same page. She can miss the Halloween thing because it’s a good consequence for refusing to help. I’m appalled that she refused to help. How horribly entitled!

Godowneasy · 30/10/2018 23:07

*Sounds like you have stormy waters in the years ahead.

I would work on your relationship with your DD.*

Well, that's helpful...

InspectorIkmen · 30/10/2018 23:07

Threeminis - that wasn’t a barbed post aimed at you 😂 but was rather intended to be an informational post to a PP who couldn’t understand who was saying what about responsibility for the dog 🤗

Original poster

okeydokeygirl · 30/10/2018 23:07

Thanks everyone for your responses. I am def not going to take her. TBH I don't think DH will take her either even if she is super helpful tomorrow. I expect I will have a lot of fall out tomorrow night with ' you are a horrible parent' kind of thing but I think I need to ride this one out. Off to bed now. Thanks for all your responses.

OP posts:

Original poster

okeydokeygirl · 30/10/2018 23:13

Should say 'WE need to ride this one out' as we need to be on the same page and both refuse to take. Night night everyone.

OP posts:

one2three4five · 30/10/2018 23:15

Inspector- was your post aimed at me? If so, I wasn't confused! The only thing I find confusing is the fact that an earlier poster felt it necessary to highlight that the DD doesn't have a dog and that the dog isn't her responsibility. Asking a teenager to occasionally help with the dog is a far step from expecting them to assume responsibility for it. I wanted to know where the idea came from that she was expected to take responsibility for it, because that isn't written in the OP, so it was a strange thing to point out.

lunchboxloony · 30/10/2018 23:31

Good luck OP - it's hard but you definitely need to stand firm now. My DD is 10 and reasonably malleable at the moment - but I can foresee teenage strops. Not looking forward to it.....

As a PP said - wine may be your friend in more than one way, tomorrow night.... Be strong!

NellieBee · 30/10/2018 23:45

You asked her to do something- she refused. End of. She is 13 and should do as she is told!

I wouldn't take her and I'd never let DH take her either.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 30/10/2018 23:56

Did she do her allocated chores in half-term? Or maybe extra chores if she was indoors?
If you do take her tomorrow do you have to pick her up again?

It will be a shame if she misses a Hallowe'en party but I think if she does do her various jobs you know she'll just be trying to get on your good side.

AutumnEvenings · 31/10/2018 00:08

My DD is 27, yes 27!! She is a mature student at uni and lives at home because it so much cheaper for her. We give her money on a weekly basis to cover her travelling expenses etc., but could afford for to live in student accommodation, because she wanted to keep her car. We could not afford to pay for both the car and her rent. She lives at home free of other expenses and has a small student loan.

I have always done all the household cleaning DH does most of the ironing, we both work and it has been a good arrangement so far. Our DD has assignments to do as well as placements which are full time, so we have cut her a lot of slack over the last three years. She had to do an access course to get to uni and it has been hard work for her. She also has a part-time job, but cannot do this when on a full-time placement.

I now have osteoarthritis in my right hip at 59, so doing all the housework, as well as working, is proving difficult in the last few months.

We told DD that she needed to do some housework, just hoovering and dusting to help out, in order to get her weekly payment for expenses. We also said we would pay a cleaner instead of giving her money she doesn't do anything to earn. She didn't do this, but has spent lots of time watching Netflicks in her bedroom with her BF.

She wanted to go out last Saturday night with friends as they mostly work and were dressing up for Halloween, going to the club etc.. We told her that if the hoovering and dusting were not done before she went out, then no money. It worked, she didn't make a fantastic effort over the cleaning, but still a passable job.

I wish now we had put our foot down much sooner.

KumquatQuince · 31/10/2018 00:15

OP don’t take her. You and DH must stand together and stand firm. Otherwise you’ll have a daughter like Autumn’s!

LotsToThinkOf · 31/10/2018 07:11

Was DD being difficult or did she have a reason for not collecting the dog? Is it a large breed or particularly difficult to walk (snappy, loud)? If she had a reason then I'd probably not use that against her but If she just couldn't be bothered I wouldn't be taking her anywhere.

LotsToThinkOf · 31/10/2018 07:16

Autumn! 27 and behaving like that! Why are you putting up with that?

Plenty of people work whilst on placement or are at least eligible for a loan or grant/bursary. There are ways for her to complete a degree without completely taking the piss out of parents. I cannot believe that at 27 she's having to be asked to do household chores in exchange for privileges like a child. She should be contributing to the house like a normal adult, not bribed.

You need to toughen holiday, she should like an awful person to be treating her own parents that way .

LotsToThinkOf · 31/10/2018 07:17

Toughen up, no idea where holiday came from but you probably need one of those too!

TeddybearBaby · 31/10/2018 07:23

Completely agree with you. It would be the saying no that would really get me. Mine are only 11 and 9 but they wouldn’t dare say no to me. I’d hit the roof. I’m not looking forward to teenage years! I really hope your husband doesn’t take her. She happily let you go over and get the dog, she can’t change that now. She made that decision so now she must suffer the consequences. I feel sorry for you x

RedSkyLastNight · 31/10/2018 07:26

How far away is the friend's house? If you don't take her will this effectively make it impossible for her to go, or are you expecting her to walk/cycle there herself? If the latter, is this something that is safe for her to do?

TeddybearBaby · 31/10/2018 07:28

She sounds just like a teenage child @AutumnEvenings. Doesn’t sound healthy for anyone. Good luck with it, doesn’t sound easy 💐

Oblomov18 · 31/10/2018 07:49

Definitely don't take her. It was a one off request, to collect the dog. Her attitude speaks volumes.

I've had similar with Year 10 ds1.

obligations · 31/10/2018 08:11

Yes, don't take her.

It does sound a little to me like she's being pedantically literal/legalistic about what is or isn't on her list of chores, so I wouldn't just say you won't bring her as that sounds like you just saying no back, so as well as refusing to give her a lift you should say she can't go to whatever it is because say if she arranges someone else to give her a lift or tries to walk or something?

The rationale for not giving her a lift/grounding her for the evening is that she clearly doesn't understand what it means to take responsibility within a family and so she needs to stay home so you can explain it to her as a matter of urgency so this doesn't happen again. I'd make the responsibility to include demonstrating care and kindness for all family members (in this case, you, the dog and the grandparents) as well as doing what she's told.

While you say the dog isn't her responsibility as in looking after the dog isn't in her official list, maybe now that she's 13 make it clear that her list of chores includes all reasonable requests to help out. If you generally assign chores in that way (specific tasks for specific family members) write hers up to include 'all reasonable requests' and ask her to agree/counter-sign.

So yes, don't give her a lift but if possible have a good discussion about what it means to be a caring and responsible member of the family. I'd go so far as discussing children who actually act as carers within a family so she gets to see the bigger picture: see carers.org/about-us/about-young-carers. Good luck!

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