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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU and what's the solution?

50 replies

LettuceP · 30/10/2018 21:56

Will try to sum it up as best I can. Not a huge deal but I'm a bit annoyed.

Friend has invited me for a night away for her birthday, the day she wants to go is DH's day off and he can be off the next day if he juggles things a bit but the night we will be away is the evening that DH does his hobby. We have DC and no babysitter so he has to be at home with the kids if I'm away.

DH works 5 days a week and 3 of those he works until about 9pm. He also has 2 seperate hobbies that he does 2 nights a week. This leaves me with Monday and Sunday nights that I could go out and do something for myself (as mentioned one of us has to look after the kids).

The hobby that he is doing on the night that I'll be away is one that he has been doing that evening every week since before we got together. It has a league so both him and his team could suffer on the league table if he doesnt go. He only misses it if we are on holiday or if there is a break between the league ending and new one beginning.

I want him to miss this hobby for one week so that I can go away with my friend for her birthday but DH says I am unreasonable and can go on another day. My friend can't do another day. He hasn't said I CAN'T go but he has made it clear he doesnt want to miss his hobby and is being arsy about it.

Would I be unreasonable to tell him I'm going and he should just suck it up?

OP posts:
WhyAmISoCold · 30/10/2018 21:59

YANBU. His hobby doesn't trump everything else. Sounds like he gets to do what he wants whilst you are mainly with the children. Have a nice night away with your friend.

UrsulaPandress · 30/10/2018 22:02

He’s having a laugh.

OHolyNightOwl · 30/10/2018 22:03

Of course you are not unreasonable and yes, he should suck it up!
Why should it always be you sacrificing your evenings out? I mean, who the hell goes out on a Sunday or Monday!

Unicornandbows · 30/10/2018 22:04

Have fun op.. He can get over his hobby

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2018 22:05

It's quite remarkable that your husband thinks his activities are more important than anything or anyone else. I'd tell him to go fuck himself.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/10/2018 22:06

What a dick. Him, not you.

Selfish.

MoveOnTheCards · 30/10/2018 22:06

What’s stopping him sorting a sitter for that evening?

Original poster
LettuceP · 30/10/2018 22:06

Thanks guys.
OHolyNightOwl yes I've made that point to him before that Sundays and Mondays aren't exactly the best nights to do something fun with my friends. I rarely do anything tbh. Sometimes I'll go for drinks with my friends when he gets home from work on a Saturday but I don't stay late because I have to get up with kids at the crack of dawn.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 30/10/2018 22:07

He's unreasonable. Ridiculous he has 2 hobbies and works long hours - when does he see his kids

Oldbutstillgotit · 30/10/2018 22:07

What are all these mysterious hobbies that people do ?

HeronLanyon · 30/10/2018 22:07

YANBU given everything, your friend’s availability trumps his hobby for that night surely ?

ProfessionallyUnoffended · 30/10/2018 22:08

I will join the chorus of you are NOT being unreasonable!

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 30/10/2018 22:09

Out of interest (and obviously I understand if you'd rather not say) but is the hobby darts?

My DH plays darts twice a week and takes it very seriously. So although I know 100% he would miss a game if I asked I know he would rather not.

Darts round my area is taken very seriously that why I asked 

But no I don't thing YABU, your DH should miss it for one week so you can enjoy a night with your friend.

Orchidflower1 · 30/10/2018 22:10

I’m sure he can cope without his hobby for one week. Which is more important you or the hobby?

Raindrop12 · 30/10/2018 22:11

I assume that his work and hobby commitments don't leave you much scope for any equivalent hobbies or interests? So, in essence, you're asking him to miss just one occasion where as you have been missing out permanently?

Original poster
LettuceP · 30/10/2018 22:12

SnowWhites not darts but very similar and is taken seriously around here as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
LettuceP · 30/10/2018 22:13

Raindrop no I have no hobbies like that because if I did then I would never see my husband Grin

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 30/10/2018 22:13

I was also hoing to say darts!

He is very unreasonable

Quartz2208 · 30/10/2018 22:14

he is - bet he wouldnt ask if it were him going away for the night and simply tell you

He CANNOT take 5 out of 7 nights for himself and not have some give and take

tell him you have been more than reasonable with that and its time he played his part

Stompythedinosaur · 30/10/2018 22:18

He misses his hobby if he is on holiday, so if if it is worth his while to do so. He won't miss it for you though.

He is obviously BU.

What are you going to do?

Browntile · 30/10/2018 22:19

Can you/him not organise a babysitter for a couple of hours?how old are the children. YANBU btw, I would have just though that could be a solution?

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 30/10/2018 22:20

Ahhhh ok I think I've got it!

Honestly I really do get it. Like I said, DH has been playing for years and years (well before me and I knew what I was getting into when I met him). I encourage him whole heartedly because I know how much he enjoys it but there really is no harm in putting something else first from time to time.

Iloveacurry · 30/10/2018 22:23

I’m sure if he fancied a night away or out with his mates, he would happily miss his hobby. It wouldn’t kill him to miss it one week.

bridgetreilly · 30/10/2018 22:28

He CANNOT take 5 out of 7 nights for himself and not have some give and take

He isn't, though, and I don't think it helps OP's case to say so. Three of those nights he's working. What he is doing is taking 2 out of the other 4 nights. That's half the evenings he has free from work every week. That's a ridiculous amount.

I think OP should definitely go with her friend AND they should have some serious renegotiation about his hobbies and their long-term impact on family life.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 30/10/2018 22:34

YANBU

Hobbies are fine but there needs to be some flexibility and compromise.