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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU and what's the solution?

50 replies

LettuceP · 30/10/2018 21:56

Will try to sum it up as best I can. Not a huge deal but I'm a bit annoyed.

Friend has invited me for a night away for her birthday, the day she wants to go is DH's day off and he can be off the next day if he juggles things a bit but the night we will be away is the evening that DH does his hobby. We have DC and no babysitter so he has to be at home with the kids if I'm away.

DH works 5 days a week and 3 of those he works until about 9pm. He also has 2 seperate hobbies that he does 2 nights a week. This leaves me with Monday and Sunday nights that I could go out and do something for myself (as mentioned one of us has to look after the kids).

The hobby that he is doing on the night that I'll be away is one that he has been doing that evening every week since before we got together. It has a league so both him and his team could suffer on the league table if he doesnt go. He only misses it if we are on holiday or if there is a break between the league ending and new one beginning.

I want him to miss this hobby for one week so that I can go away with my friend for her birthday but DH says I am unreasonable and can go on another day. My friend can't do another day. He hasn't said I CAN'T go but he has made it clear he doesnt want to miss his hobby and is being arsy about it.

Would I be unreasonable to tell him I'm going and he should just suck it up?

OP posts:

Zofloramummy · 30/10/2018 22:36

Is it pool/snooker?

Original poster

LettuceP · 30/10/2018 22:36

SnowWhites yes see in fairness I think I should point out that he has been doing this since he was in his teens and its very important to him. I dont begrudge him doing it every week and it makes him happy. I just want him to miss this one week so that I can go away for my friends birthday and I think he is BU to get arsy about it.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 30/10/2018 22:38

Could he take dc with him to do hobby? Are they old enough? If not he will have to get a sitter for the evening. Make that clear to him and enjoy your evening with your friend. Is it pool or snooker?

junebirthdaygirl · 30/10/2018 22:39

Why don't people just have babysitters? Then ye can both do what ye want. I understand if you are part of a team its difficult to be out so he just gets a sitter or his mum if she lives nearby. But you go..no apology.

Raindrop12 · 30/10/2018 22:41

Could he book some time off work and you could go on one of those nights instead?

Original poster

LettuceP · 30/10/2018 22:42

I honestly thought it would be a 50/50 split on who is BU but I posted to try and get some different perspectives.

I will go but I just wish he would be happy to give up one evening for me and want me to go and enjoy myself. It's not going to happen like that I know but I will go.

(Definitely no chance of a babysitter by the way, believe me I would snap it up if there was)

OP posts:

BeaLola · 30/10/2018 22:43

YANBU

And assuming it's not say this Thursday you are going he has plenty of time to sort a babysitter doesn't he ? Perhaps the teenager plus daughter /son of one of his teammates would like to earn the money and thus a win win for all concerned. Also a fellow parent from school, friendly neighbour could do it and he could do something for them in return eg babysit one Sunday or Monday (!) or cut their lawn, take stuff to the tip etc if he felt he couldn't pay them.

You and your friend should go - enjoy

C0untDucku1a · 30/10/2018 22:44

I think the fact you think half of people would think you were unreasonable is very telling. And very sad. He is really taking advantage.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/10/2018 22:44

I think an awful lot of men, even relatively nice ones, can't get over the idea that women exist for men's benefit and therefore expecting a man to actually inconvenience himself or suffer slightly purely because his female partner wants to do something that's important to her seems utterly outrageous. Ie this man will skip his hobby if it clashes with something else that's enjoyable for him, but not for his partner's sake, because he simply believes that he is more important than she is and, when it comes to looking after DC, that's her job.

OP, is it really impossible to get a babysitter? There are decent, reputable agencies that will send someone competent and properly checked, etc, if there are no friends nearby who could do it.

Original poster

LettuceP · 30/10/2018 22:44

Raindrop my friend can only do that night, she has dc of her own and single parent so her childcare options are even slimmer than mine

OP posts:

Original poster

LettuceP · 30/10/2018 22:48

Sorry people have asked about ages of dc, 3yo and 6 months.

Reanimated I will have a Google for a local agency. I didn't know that existed. He can afford to pay a babysitter that's not an issue.

OP posts:

Aus84 · 30/10/2018 22:48

OP he's not being fair.

When I first got together with my DH he played two sports which took up 3 nights a week each (overlapped on two of those nights).

Now that we have three kids, even though he still does the sports, coaches the juniors and is on the committee for one, he still drops a night if it clashes with something of mine. Just because he has done the sports forever, doesn't mean he has the right to claim his set nights for the rest of our lives together.

IAmBeyonceAlways · 30/10/2018 22:49

childcare.co.uk may be of use to get a babysitter

Merrilymerrilymerrily · 30/10/2018 22:58

In terms of babysitting agencies, try sitters.co.uk. Give them a call to see if they have people in your area. We use them on holidays and they seem to have a good coverage

OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 30/10/2018 23:02

sitters.co.uk
I bang this drum every time I see one of these threads. Mostly childcare professionals, nursery nurses, TAs, etc. All fully DBS checked. First time I used them, I was terrified but they were brilliant at reassuring me. My kids love the sitters. Winner all round.

Promise I am not an advert, I just sound like one because they have saved my arse so many times when I have been stuck.

BewareOfDragons · 30/10/2018 23:08

He's being a selfish ass.

You get Sunday and Monday nights if you must do something? Fuck that! No one who works and has children goes out on those nights! You'd have no one to do anything with!

Tell him you're going and he can tell his team to find a sub for the night, like they'd have to do if he was on holiday. Prat.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/10/2018 23:16

What do you mean when you say you have no babysitter? There's babysitters everywhere - from babysitting companies, to neighbours, to friends, to work colleagues. If you can't afford a babysitter, that's a different thing.

Howhot · 30/10/2018 23:23

He can look into a babysitter if he wants. He's having a laugh if he expects you to never do anything on X night because he has a hobby. Go OP and enjoy.

Orchidflower1 · 31/10/2018 11:45

Whether you get an agency baby sitter or not ITS THE PRINCIPLE- he does not have more right to go out than you, particularly when he goes regularly. Surely BECAUSE he goes every week he can miss a week. If the team can’t cope without him it must be a pretty rubbish team!

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 31/10/2018 11:47

He is being unbelievably unreasonable and incredibly selfish. Sounds like his life hasn't changed one but since he became a dad.
He's got some serious stepping up to do .

Eilaianne · 31/10/2018 12:06

So despite the fact that you're both equally responsible parents, he believes his right to time off on free nights always trumps yours? Tell him to grow up. He's a parent.

Why is this your problem to solve?

You seem to be the default parent who inherits the babysitting problem as the default (give him a hint: he doesn't "babysit" his own kids to you as a favour.)

SLL · 31/10/2018 12:06

Sounds like ten-pin bowling to me... I used to have an ex whose family were in a league. God forbid you missed a night!!

If you don't have any grandparents or other family that can babysit for the evening, then definitely use an agency. There have been a couple that are trustworthy mentioned by others. Failing that, get hubby to take the kids with him to his hobby as mascots!

Mrsglitterfairy · 31/10/2018 12:11

He should absolutely miss his hobby. My DH plays a football twice a week, also in a league and he is the manager so would avoid missing at all costs but if I have something planned for a day that his game falls on, and I can’t change it, he will either sort a sitter for a few hours or miss the game. As long as you’re giving him notice and not dropping it on him on the day then a little compromise wouldn’t go amiss from him

m0therofdragons · 31/10/2018 12:11

Blimey, I'm having my hair done next Monday evening which means Dh will have to miss his hobby. I don't ask often, Dh hasn't grumbled once. I honestly think that if Dh was like a lot of mn dhs I'd be single. Who has time for this crap. Yanbu

SEsofty · 31/10/2018 12:30

Get a babysitter for one evening. He does hobby and then looks after them for rest of the night

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