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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend/give SIL anything

60 replies

Leeleeloo · 30/10/2018 21:34

Me and DP are young parents and have a 6 month old DD. We would love our children close in age so will most likely have another soon Grin

SIL age 16 is pregnant and MIL has said SIL would like to have our next2me crib, prep machine, steriliser, clothes if it's a girl, car seat... etc. I laughed it off saying no I'm keeping everything for future DC. She said she wasn't joking and that we are family we should share. But I bought the crib, prep machine, and car seat out of my own pocket (expensive!!) and I've given away all DDs clothes so far except special items which SIL has apparently said its only fair her baby has them if its a girl. DP told Mil no to as SIL has a history of stealing from family and most likely we wouldnt get anything back.

I dont mind saving some clothes from now on but expecting to borrow/be given nearly all our baby things is rude? SIL herself text me too saying she will save up some money and buy everything off me and I feel bad saying no but I'm 21, I want more kids!

OP posts:
LizzieBennettDarcy · 30/10/2018 22:16

I lent our DDs cot to a very good friend. On the condition that I wanted it back, as it had been mine/my sisters when we were little and DH had restored it so it had massive sentimental value.

Never saw it again. I was heartbroken when our eldest DD fell pregnant, asked for it back and got excuse after excuse as to what had happened to it.

Don't ever lend anything out that you want back.

KC225 · 30/10/2018 22:18

That is cheeky. She could have approached it in whole other way. Asking nicely if you have anything you could kindly pass on for the new baby. She is rude demandinf XYandZ.

I second the sure start grant. Also look out on Gumtree and Free cycle. NTC sales are also good.

LittleMissMarker · 30/10/2018 22:18

we are family we should share

So, what have MiL and SiL shared with you so far? Or is this "sharing" all one way?

babbscrabbs · 30/10/2018 22:20

I'd probably lend her essential stuff I wasn't attached to that wasn't high value e.g. blankets or grobags, clothes etc, maybe even a car seat. If she's only 16 not like she'll be driving herself so it won't get heavily used I'd imagine?

Or perhaps you could gift her one of the big ticket things she needs as a present when baby is born.

No-one needs a perfect prep machine or next2me crib, she can do without those.

Even though we could have afforded new we had almost everything second-hand - cot, moses basket, buggy, clothes etc. We've then sold a lot of it on again and recouped some of the money so it's cost us very little. With Facebook selling it's so easy to find and buy second hand baby stuff too.

Original poster
Leeleeloo · 30/10/2018 22:22

DD still uses most of her things, she is only tiny too. SIL is due in April. I wouldnt be surprised if I lent her something she sold it on as she has done that in the past to her family. Ive tagged her in a unisex bundle on FB and mentioned the grant so hopefully they will back of Halloween Hmm

OP posts:
NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 30/10/2018 22:27

Pack the things into storage and put into the loft/spare room or somewhere you SIL or MIL can't touch them. You bought them yourself and you have no obligation to give them to anyone, especially as you intend to have more. As there is a history of theft you have no reason to lend her anything either.

Hide the stuff and make sure your DP stays on side and just repeat that you have plans to have more and will be providing her with nothing, BUT you are happy to give her recommendations and help her find things within her budget. That way they can't accuse you of being unsupportive.

Charolais · 30/10/2018 22:31

What's the sterilizer for?

caringcarer · 30/10/2018 22:32

Maybe you could find her some second hand items on ebay or FB groups and show her and your MiL. Don't be pressured into passing on baby stuff you want to keep. If your dp's family he should be telling them not to pressure you.

LittlePaintBox · 30/10/2018 22:33

Don't ever lend anything out that you want back.

You bought your things because you were planning to use them more than once, so YANBU to keep hold of them. It's none of MIL's business why you don't want to give/lend them.

user1495390685 · 30/10/2018 22:36

16! she is nuts.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2018 22:36

I was actually going to post another thread asking about how young mothers feel/are treated as i always say to Dp if I was older I wouldnt be constantly overloaded with babysitting requests, unwanted advice etc.

Oh believe me. Most people on Mumsnet will tell you that's nothing to do with your age Grin

YANBU not to lend her the things though in your particular position. Perhaps point her in the direction of some FB groups were some people literally give away immaculate stuff.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2018 22:37

What's the sterilizer for?

That's a strange question Confused

They're generally used to steralise bottles and dummies

SynchroSwimmer · 30/10/2018 22:41

You will need your stuff soon yourself anyway won’t you.....”as you are currently TTC”. 😉

sollyfromsurrey · 30/10/2018 22:49

Tell them you will be needing everything as you think you may be pregnant. In a few months when they ask about it you can say no, turns out I wasn't but I think I am now... by the time it starts sounding odd, you'll probably be pregnant anyway and your SIL would have had to sort her self out anyway!

Marriedwithchildren5 · 30/10/2018 22:50

What's the sterilizer for?

It's for cleaning bottles. Not toys though. They melt. I found this out with my first baby Blush

Fluffyears · 30/10/2018 22:51

When she says she wasn’t joking i’d Have said ‘neither am I, the answer is no!’. You don’t have to do it and don’t feel guilty.

RomanyRoots · 30/10/2018 22:54

Just a word of caution, it might not stop at the baby clothes and equipment.
Just be ready to tell the cf where to go and don't give them an inch. Thanks

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 30/10/2018 22:56

I’d caution against helping her too much by sourcing second hand bundles etc for her. It’s good that you’ve brought it to her attention that you can get kitted out for a baby on a budget, but I’d leave it with the information on the grant and the bundle for now.

SIL and mil are already trying to make this as much your “problem” to sort out as it is theirs. Part of being a parent is bucking up, making sure you’re organised (with benefits, Sure Start, budgeting etc) and providing for the child yourself, and SIL will need to grasp that sooner rather than later.

Fingermoose · 30/10/2018 22:57

Marriedwithchildren5 Glad I'm not the only one who melted some stuff! Linky loops and the like sterilised ok but yes, keep Sophie the Giraffe out unless you never want her to squeak again.

And back to the thread, OP, stick to your guns - you sound like you will keep your head and your baby things.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 30/10/2018 22:59

Stay firm and don't allow yourself to be swayed.

Sorry, we don't want to lend them. repeat

Maelstrop · 30/10/2018 23:13

YANBU. Don’t give her anything you’re unhappy to lose.

Letsgetreadytorumba · 30/10/2018 23:24

As pp have said, if you aren’t happy never seeing it again don’t lend it. There’s a thread every week about family/friends selling on lent baby stuff.

ThomasRichard · 30/10/2018 23:27

YANBU. Buy her a present you can afford. Job done.

Don’t lend your stuff unless you’re happy to never see it again.

tillytrotter1 · 31/10/2018 11:10

Don't lend her anything, she doesn't sound to be particularly responsible and people are less careful with other people's property.
As far as the pressure from your in-laws you've said no, do not engage in any further discussion, totally blank anything that's said. I am always amazed by the degree to which people engage in discussions, the answers No, that's then end of it.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/10/2018 11:31

Only give things you don't mind not getting back. Things like prams and jumperoos definitely get worn out and it's not fair if she won't keep things in great condition meaning you have to buy new again. Also cribs shouldn't be shared (or definitely not the mattres) and it's aways recommended to buy a new car seat. If you have anything that is basically plastic or washable and pretty unbreakable and only used for a very short time so can't get worn out (I'm thinking baby gym, stretchy wrap carrier etc) then you could lend that as chances are you'd get it back intact. Or any cheap clothes or muslins or blankets you really aren't bothered about. But the expensive and nice things or anything breakable or that may get worn I'd definitely not lend. Just keep repeating they are being saved in good condition for your next baby.

We bought a pram second hand that had been through one baby and it's now on its last legs (we're on our second) same with a few other bits.

I would maybe join Facebook marketplace and get a few things for her from there as a gesture or point her in the right direction (aldi also do great cheap baby bits) - things that are bought new for 30 quid routinely go for a fiver on there so you can save loads. So if you give her a few choice things, buy her a few cheap second hand bits and maybe buy one big nice purchase for her for a big present if you can afford it, that should soften the blow. You can also offer time and advice like writing a list with her of everything she might need etc

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