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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to tell my snoring husband he's keeping me awake

33 replies

NotOnTheBench · 30/10/2018 18:59

Honestly - he snores so badly, I'm losing half an hour every time I have to get up for the loo in the night as I just can't get back to sleep. Result - if I get up a couple of times I'm effectively losing an hour's sleep every night.

I am beginning to feel I will never have a decent night's sleep. I can't wait for one of the kids to move out so I can sleep in their room!

He has sleep apnoea and had been referred to a sleep clinic a few years ago but refused to go. He has also had prescribed nasal spray which worked so we both got decent sleep, but he has never ordered a repeat prescription.

He blames his [diagnosed] ADHD for forgetting the repeat prescription. I blame his selfishness. He doesn't sleep well as he snores and stops breathing, so as a result, he sleeps in front of the TV all evening after work, then is awake late at night, comes to bed very late and often wakes me up. At weekends he sleeps until lunchtime but then naps in front of the TV all day until he finally gets a move on, by which time, I'm knackered.

At night, he sometimes gives me a cuddle, but then just goes to sleep and snores right in my ear, which makes me feel like I'm shaking, and his hands twitch so I have no hope of getting back to sleep.

If I push him off he says he feels offended! I have tried to talk to him to explain that if he just takes the blasted spray we will BOTH get a good night's sleep, but because he's asleep he doesn't think it's an issue and thinks I'm exaggerating. If I play him a voice recording of the racket he makes he just thinks its funny and comments that he just needs to lose a little weight [he's been overweight for years so I'm not holding out much hope of that ever happening].

What can I do to MAKE IT STOP!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2018 19:10

I'd be rid of him to be honest. He doesn't care at all about your well-being or even his own. What a selfish prick. Please tell him that for me.

supersop60 · 30/10/2018 19:12

Sleep in another room. Let him be offended. Show him you mean it. Sleep apnoea can be very serious and is connected to heart attacks. Tell your H he could die, and that you don't want to wake up next to a dead body.

Morien · 30/10/2018 19:13

I feel your pain! I spent a lot of time and energy on trying to get it to stop, before I realised that that was the wrong way of looking at it and was never going to get us anywhere, because it wasn't going to stop as DH didn't see it as a problem so wasn't going to take action (we also had a period of separate bedrooms, but it felt wrong). I now wear wax earplugs; I hate foam ones, but I find wax ones much more comfortable, and they block out more noise as they mould better to the shape of my ear. DH regularly comes to bed much later and used to wake me up, but I sleep through it now, and I have no idea how much he snores these days. (I know someone who was recently fitted with personalised earplugs because of a similar issue with a snoring DH).

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 30/10/2018 19:18

I feel your pain. My partner doesn't care either was fitted with a special mouth guard and refused to wear it. Selfish. I can't wear earplugs as we have a baby and partner would not hear him.

TheChatsPyjamas · 30/10/2018 19:18

When was he diagnosed with sleep apnoea? They changed the law in January 2017 so it’s illegal to drive with diagnosed but untreated sleep apnoea. This also means his insurance will be invalid if he causes any damage to his or anyone else’s car. Just some sobering facts.

My dh was sooooooor resistant to treatment for his sleep apnoea but after the first night with the cpap machine he realised he had t had a decent night’s sleep in four years.

What he doing is selfish on so many levels - you are living with a chronically tired person, are chronically tired yourself and he’s putting himself, his passengers and other road users at risk every time he drives.

I mean, imagine the national hatred if he fell asleep at the wheel and killed a pedestrian and it came out in court he hadn’t had the (easy, free) treatment for sleep apnoea because he didn’t want to go to a clinic? (You don’t have to sleep there by the way, diagnosis is by a single night sleeping with a heart rate monitor on your finger).

TheChatsPyjamas · 30/10/2018 19:20

www.gov.uk/obstructive-sleep-apnoea-and-driving

PumpkinPie2016 · 30/10/2018 19:41

YANBU but the issue here is that he refuses to do anything about his snoring.

He has sleep apnea but won't go to the clinic. The nasal spray worked but he won't order the repeat prescription - sorry but I don't think this has anything to do with his ADHD - you mention he works so he can clearly function on his own, therefore, he is capable of remembering to order a prescription. Or he needs to set reminders.

In all honesty, he sounds selfish and I'd be telling him to either take up the treatments or I would end the relationship.

My husband was a terrible snorer but went to the GP and uses a nasal spray which has solved the issue. If he didn't we'd either be divorced or I'd be up on a murder charge by now!

confusedmomm · 30/10/2018 19:45

I take myself to the spare Room with earplugs when snoring is bad, though I do realise that's not a permanent solution. I simply cannot sleep with someone snoring next to me.

Pursefirst · 30/10/2018 19:46

YADNBU OP!! He feels offended? If he was mine, he'd get an almighty clout every time he snored and woke me up, especially if the wally refused to take medication that worked to treat the damn thing.

If he keeps refusing to order/take the medication, then wake him up every time you are awake. I'm fairly certain he will get fed up pretty quickly and decide that taking the spray is preferable to having a very interrupted sleep (like you!)

EvaHarknessRose · 30/10/2018 19:47

Sleep on a mattress on the floor of the kids room. He needs to sort this.

squirrelnutkins1 · 30/10/2018 19:48

Record him so he can see just how loud he is!
Also agree with the sleep apnoea comments. He needs to take it seriously.

BlueUggs · 30/10/2018 19:49

What an arse. I'd be making his waking hours uncomfortable - no washing, cooking, cleaning etc....you're far too tired to do any of it!

HappyHippy45 · 30/10/2018 20:01

My dh is a chronic snorer too. Never been to dr about it but should.
We've been married nearly 25 years. I've been sleeping in my own room for nearly 2 years now. I've got ms and really need a good nights sleep.
The only time I sleep in the same bed as him is when we have guests stay over. I feel like absolute shite afterwards.

He doesn't see it as a problem though he's realised sex is rarely going to happen with this set up and my illness.

He's recently lost weight and his snoring has lessened to a dull roar......so I suppose that's progress!

Pursefirst · 30/10/2018 20:09

@HappyHippy45 I didn't want to bring it up (as there are about a million fat related threads here today) but my DH was an awful snorer and he used to do that thing where it sounded like he stopped breathing for a few seconds, before taking a big breath. Anyway, he's lost 85lbs in the past year and his asthma has disappeared and he doesn't snore anymore (well, most of the time).

OP, I don't want to fat shame, but is your DH overweight? If so, I think I would give him an ultimatum of diet or nasal spray!

AncientHeart · 30/10/2018 20:13

I met a man I grew fond of. We slept together and his snoring was as loud as a motorbike revving up. Totally unable to sleep, and when I mentioned it he said that quite a few women had told him he snored.
That was the end of that.
Snoring is not that unusual - if it's snuffling, you give them the bony finger and they stop for a while.
This man? Nah.

Jagblue · 30/10/2018 20:18

Hi two things what's the name of the nasal spray please?
Two I refuse to sleep with dh. Honestly it's like sleeping with a lawn mower.
He was offended at first but he knows how badly he snores so he doesn't push it.
It hasn't affected our sex life just takes a bit of planning.
I'll call the doctor to see if they can send a prescription to the pharmacy.
I think you are not getting a lot of quality from him. Either he is sleeping in front of the tv or snoring in your ear. For now get some ear plugs.
This can get ugly if he isn't careful.

Shitstormiscoming · 30/10/2018 20:26

Followin for any tips here.

I go in the spare room once a week as DH is an awful snorer.

He hardly drinks (we both not big drinkers)
He has lost weight. Made no scrap of difference Angry
He sleeps on his back & side and there is no difference.

My constant tiredness since 2005 is down to my DH and when I mention this, he’s joked like the OP’s DH but also is embarrassed. At the same time, he has never done anything other than getting the doctor to say that there is nothing he can do.

I love him dearly but I’m very close to saying I want separate rooms more than one night a week in the near future as I can’t cope with it any move Sad

gamerchick · 30/10/2018 20:32

I got seperate rooms, then he got his CPAP.

Tell him you're going to report him to the DVLA if he doesn't get it sorted out or his gp to report him.

Selfish git.

Purpleartichoke · 30/10/2018 20:36

The compliance rate with cpap is something like 10%. They are basically expensive torture devices that end up serving as doorstops for 90% of the people prescribed to use one.

Original poster
NotOnTheBench · 30/10/2018 22:18

DVLA sounds like a 'good' threat. The other day he got back from work, parked up and my DS and I watched as he just nodded off still in the car and without switching off the engine!

Just as well it's an electric car or he'd have gassed himself?

I suffer from tinnitus so ear plugs won't work. I slept in DS2's room last weekend as he was at his gf's, and have to say it was lovely. DH didn't even notice when I came back to have a shower and get going in the morning. I told him later and he was pretty non-commital about the impact it was having on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotOnTheBench · 30/10/2018 22:19

TheChatsPyjamas

that link is scary in itself - £1,000 fine if he doesn't tell them!

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 30/10/2018 22:31

Please stress how important it is that he gets his sleep apnoea treated.

OH has a CPAP machine for his, and at his annual review last week at the sleep clinic they were delighted with the reduction of no breathing episodes because he uses the machine. Before he got the CPAP machine he was stopping breathing several times a minute.

Having sleep apnoea is dangerous.

travailtotravel · 30/10/2018 22:37

Why are you moving rooms. He moves until he sorts it. End of.

Ubertasha2 · 30/10/2018 22:50

He needs to sort this out, or move rooms.

Ubertasha2 · 30/10/2018 22:51
  • he needs to move rooms.
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