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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think this might be a child protection issue here?

54 replies

originallyfromLA · 30/10/2018 11:06

NC for this as very outing.

I became friends with a lady (let's call her Sally) through another friend. I've been renting her car from her for the last couple of years, so I don't know her intimately but we have regular contact a couple of times a month via text.She is divorced, her exH lives quite a way away I think, but does have the children on a regular basis.

I knew Sally was a heavy drinker before I met her. Her reputation comes before her. We've met up twice for drinks. On each occasion she has ended up so drunk that she is virtually comatose and is unable to look after herself in any capacity, and she gets herself into this state within about 2 hours so the evenings were cut very short, which wasn't what we wanted so it was bizarre she let it happen. The first time we were out she 'lost' £100 from her purse and it wasn't put towards our evening because I paid the tab at the end (which was no problem). The second time she lost her iPhone and apparently she regularly loses them - about 4 per year - because she gets so drunk.

Things she has done whilst drunk:

Falling asleep in a fairly empty pub, leaning against the wall with her legs up on another chair an splayed apart so much that nothing was left to the imagination....all the more embarrassing because everyone in there was looking at her and laughing. When I tried to wake her and sit her properly, she would stay like that for about 20 seconds, before going back exactly as she was before. Eventually I gave up and arranged for a mutual friend to come and pick her up, thinking that no taxi would take her in that state.

Fallen asleep in pubs and snoring loudly.

Got lost in a smallish pub and not being able to find our table again, so drunkenly trying to join other peoples' tables.

Plus many, many more along the same lines.

Now here is where it starts straying into the unacceptable. She has two children aged 16 and 14. The eldest is a nightmare, smoking dope freely around the house on a daily basis. Also sells drugs and has repeatedly stolen expensive items from the house (MacBook Air, iPads, jewellery, etc.) to fund this drug habit. It always happens when Sally is drunk/hungover in bed.

The younger child is left to fend for herself a lot of the time, alone in the house. Feeding herself, washing her own uniform, cleaning the house all by herself. Now, none of this is wrong, but my point is that Sally isn't doing these things BECAUSE she's drunk. She does work but in a pub (therefore can drink) and a cocktail bar (ditto). She lost her proper job under a very black cloud and associated with alcohol.She is very open with her children about her drinking and merrily calls them up to tell them she's "totally trollied".

This is where I really start to worry. Sally now tells me that her DD is starting to ask for wine on a regular basis. She is given a small sherry glass and then swaps it for a much bigger glass when Sally isn't looking. She also wanders around the house with a bottle of wine in her hand. Being left to her devices only strengthens this habit in my opinion. There's no structure/meals/hep with homework - nothing like that.

The other thing that happens regularly is that she'll come home so drunk she can;t put herself to bed and the children have to do it. The last time she did that, she managed to open the front door but then fell straight through it, ending up face down on the floor, completely unable to wake up. These are things that she thinks are perfectly normal. The worrying thing is that she is shortly to get her driving licence back and, as things stand, she will never be sober while she's driving. She drinks every day, around 2/3/4 bottles of wine, or the equivalent. Her father was an alcoholic and she describes herself as a 'functioning alcoholic', but has no desire to change, thinks it's reasonably normal.

Sorry that's so long! I was trying not to drip feed. My basic question is: from the perspective of strangers, does this look like a child protection issue? Or just a home life that is chaotic?

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 30/10/2018 18:56

I am a professional acivilcontract. No problems with teachers, surgeons, lawyers, accountants, etc. Merely with HCP's who wish to provide sub optimal care, when excellent consultant led care has been put in place privately. When essential care has been refused by the NHS, the NHS loses the moral high ground.

I see it as a power struggle over patients and carers due to subordination which is reductive. The report that says Dr Jones the consultant was advised, Mrs Smith the social worker was advised, "mum" agreed with the course of action.

It is very hard for people without choices to argue against the system when it is inadequate and they are expected to be grateful and afford others the respect they are not. It is about equality.

I will always question sub optimal care and sub optimal standards.

Kittensupthecurtains · 30/10/2018 20:16

But OhTheRoses the important thing here is that this thread is not about you or your child. ! And refers to a completely different situation- unless you are falling through the door drunk and require your children to clean you up/undress you and put you to bed ?

Just because you have had , what you believe to be an incorrect referral are you saying that children left in the situation this OP describes - should be left like this ? That is truly shocking.

Your situation doesn't in anyway reflect the one the OP refers to. You sound irrationally angry about the way people address you.

I have had some experience attempting to provide support to an alcoholic mother via a befriend ing /surestart type scheme . The child was on a Child in Need programme , had a social worker, had a lot of support. Over a period of 5 yrs before SS had no choice but to place the child with family guardian because the mother would not clean up.
They certainly don't swoop in and 'put them in care' . That is just ignorant bollocks.

Well done OP. Do SOMETHING! Don't be a hand wringer who could have changed a child's life but chose not to .

Bumbumtaloo · 30/10/2018 20:35

I’m glad to see that you are going to report OP.

As a child and teenager I experienced hell on Earth with my mum. She is bipolar and has attempted suicide more times than I can count. I have seen things that no child, or adult for that matter, should ever see. I’ve been in ICU to say ‘goodbye’ to my mum as she won’t survive on several occasions. I have found my mum unconscious/hanging/bleeding from horrific wounds that she has inflicted on herself and not one single person helped me. No doctor, nurse, paramedic, teacher etc called social services but even worse than that my own dad never took me to live with him.

Many years later I have very bad mental health issues that have resulted in me almost committing suicide twice, luckily once my husband found me before I could take the tablets and the second time I reached out to my husband who got me help before I hurt myself. I have been and will most probably always have psychiatric help. My two children have a mother they don’t deserve, but a better mother than I had.

The reason why I have gone on about me is it will be effecting her children and one day they may look back and ask why nobody helped them, you can be the one that helps them OP you can make a huge difference to their lives.

Good luck.

klondike555 · 31/10/2018 06:07

Please do call SS. Those poor children.

I find it horrifying that this woman could soon be back behind the wheel of a lethal weapon. She is going to kill some innocent person. Please call the non emergency police number and/or the Department for Motor Vehicles and ask for advice on whether she can be prevented from getting her license back.

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