I’ve been with my STBXH for 6 years and we have been married for 4. We have two D.C (ages 3&1).
I'll be honest and admit that he wasn't a great partner whilst we were dating. I fell pregnant and we were basically forced to marry due to both our cultural and religious beliefs (please do not bash me for this. I was in a very bad place as I had just lost a baby and was feeling very vulnerable).
As expected, our marriage has been equally shit imho.
Here are a few examples;
- He is emotionally abusive
- He refuses to work
- He goes out clubbing/partying very frequently
- He leaves the house and comes home at his own convenience/unsociable hours
- He is a heavy drinker and smoker
- He does not help out with the DC (who both have special needs), and makes no real effort with them as a father
- He does not help out around the house and is very dirty/untidy
- He shows no interest and makes no effort with me and our marriage
- No affection/ poor sex life
& many more. But I hope you all get my drift...
I have stayed mainly due to the hopes that he will change, and as written above - due to pressure from both of our families/religious beliefs (which has an expectation for a women to “endure”).
My life has been so miserable.
Recently my STBXH started complaining about my weight. For context - I have had four pregnancies back to back over the past years, I have a thyroid disease which makes me gain weight, and as stated above both my D.C. have special needs so my hands are really tied because every week they have appointments/ therapies etc. I have no time for myself! I cannot easily pop to the gym as I have no support from him or other family members to hell with the D.C. I can't remember the last time I've had any real adult interaction or a break or a night out. I had to take a career break from work after Maternity leave to care for my DC and I'm also doing my masters via distant learning to keep me in the loop. Things have been really difficult, I have my hands full.
Our relationship has also caused me to be quite sad and depressed over the years which has made me feel unmotivated.
These are not excuses but are important and valid contributing factors.
I’ll admit, I was not happy with my weight and appearance but and I have recently been trying to make small changes such as changing my diet etc. I’m also on the list for Bariatric surgery early next year so anyone that’s familiar with this will know how serious and determined I would have had to be to even get my surgery approved. I have managed to keep 10kg off over the last 5 months and trying my best to continue. Not a massive amount, I know, but it's still something.
When I first met him I was a size 14. I am now a size 16 and I have a BMI of 40 (which is why I’ve just about managed to be eligible for surgery as I am borderline against their criteria).
Recently, he had suddenly gone cold turkey on me. He completely withdrew all affection, started sleeping in the spare room, not eating meals I cook for the family and overall just giving me the cold shoulder.
This made me feel pretty low.
When I asked him what was wrong, he admitted it was my appearance and weight. He even went as far as telling his friends and our family about his feelings around this which I’ll admit has really made me feel embarrassed and insecure.
He has not helped or supported me In anyway regarding my weight loss.
After this conversation, I told him I was happy with the way I looked and was proud of my progress. I asked him to leave if he had such an issue and surprisingly he left! That very same evening he packed everything up and left.
Just wanted to ask if I have been unreasonable here? Have I done the right thing?
Whilst it’s clear that we have had a terrible relationship over the years, I’ll admit that this was my breaking point.
It’s been four weeks since he has left and things have not been amicable. He has continued his abuse via text and is clearly angry that I have asked him to leave. In his own words “ there’s nothing wrong with your partner being honest and telling you to loose weight” which I understand but I feel he has just been insensitive overall.
He has not asked to see the D.C. either.