Just left my horrible partner. AIBU

[candycoatedraindrops]

I’ve been with my STBXH for 6 years and we have been married for 4. We have two D.C (ages 3&1).

I'll be honest and admit that he wasn't a great partner whilst we were dating. I fell pregnant and we were basically forced to marry due to both our cultural and religious beliefs (please do not bash me for this. I was in a very bad place as I had just lost a baby and was feeling very vulnerable).

As expected, our marriage has been equally shit imho.

Here are a few examples;

• He is emotionally abusive
• He refuses to work
• He goes out clubbing/partying very frequently
• He leaves the house and comes home at his own convenience/unsociable hours
• He is a heavy drinker and smoker
• He does not help out with the DC (who both have special needs), and makes no real effort with them as a father
• He does not help out around the house and is very dirty/untidy
• He shows no interest and makes no effort with me and our marriage
• No affection/ poor sex life

& many more. But I hope you all get my drift...

I have stayed mainly due to the hopes that he will change, and as written above - due to pressure from both of our families/religious beliefs (which has an expectation for a women to “endure”).

My life has been so miserable.

Recently my STBXH started complaining about my weight. For context - I have had four pregnancies back to back over the past years, I have a thyroid disease which makes me gain weight, and as stated above both my D.C. have special needs so my hands are really tied because every week they have appointments/ therapies etc. I have no time for myself! I cannot easily pop to the gym as I have no support from him or other family members to hell with the D.C. I can't remember the last time I've had any real adult interaction or a break or a night out. I had to take a career break from work after Maternity leave to care for my DC and I'm also doing my masters via distant learning to keep me in the loop. Things have been really difficult, I have my hands full.
Our relationship has also caused me to be quite sad and depressed over the years which has made me feel unmotivated.

These are not excuses but are important and valid contributing factors.

I’ll admit, I was not happy with my weight and appearance but and I have recently been trying to make small changes such as changing my diet etc. I’m also on the list for Bariatric surgery early next year so anyone that’s familiar with this will know how serious and determined I would have had to be to even get my surgery approved. I have managed to keep 10kg off over the last 5 months and trying my best to continue. Not a massive amount, I know, but it's still something.

When I first met him I was a size 14. I am now a size 16 and I have a BMI of 40 (which is why I’ve just about managed to be eligible for surgery as I am borderline against their criteria).

Recently, he had suddenly gone cold turkey on me. He completely withdrew all affection, started sleeping in the spare room, not eating meals I cook for the family and overall just giving me the cold shoulder.
This made me feel pretty low.
When I asked him what was wrong, he admitted it was my appearance and weight. He even went as far as telling his friends and our family about his feelings around this which I’ll admit has really made me feel embarrassed and insecure.

He has not helped or supported me In anyway regarding my weight loss.

After this conversation, I told him I was happy with the way I looked and was proud of my progress. I asked him to leave if he had such an issue and surprisingly he left! That very same evening he packed everything up and left.

Just wanted to ask if I have been unreasonable here? Have I done the right thing?

Whilst it’s clear that we have had a terrible relationship over the years, I’ll admit that this was my breaking point.

It’s been four weeks since he has left and things have not been amicable. He has continued his abuse via text and is clearly angry that I have asked him to leave. In his own words “ there’s nothing wrong with your partner being honest and telling you to loose weight” which I understand but I feel he has just been insensitive overall.
He has not asked to see the D.C. either.

Set up a free email account with yahoo, google etc. Text him the email address and say anything to do with the children in future just email me. Then block him from contacting you any other way. Check the email everyday at the same time. The first abusive email he sends reply with ‘please note these emails will be used during our divorce and children’s custody arrangements please only email to ask about the children’. Then once a week send him an update. Bob saw physio, Judy has cut a new tooth. Purely factual no emotion. That way you’ve left communication open but it’s on your terms.

You did the right thing.

More a question than any help - if mail is being redirected then OP won’t be able to tell if he is applying for anything financial using her address? Double check with the credit ref agencies that there are no ties perhaps?

OK, so you asked him to leave and he left because he thought he managed to train himself a door mat and that after the initial show of bravado you'll be back to your old scared yourself, like a little Chihuahua and you will nicely ask him to come back.
You didn't so now he is trying to break you by constantly abusing you and telling you there's nothing wrong with a bit of emotional abuse.

Get professional advice please. Woman's Aid etc. Don't ever go back.

Good luck!

Well done op, on getting rid of the useless lump - keep focused
and don't fall for any sob stories he'll use to wheedle his way back when it goes belly up.
You've done well on losing weight - I know it's not easy esp when you have thyroid disease, #me too.
But the bariatric surgery is a really big step - I don't know if you've already tried low carb diet but there is research that shows low carb is beneficial for hypothyroid dieters and has good results. I lost 4 stone doing low carb.

Sounds like he's twins with my horrid husband, whom I've seperated myself from. My only regret is not reclaiming my life sooner!

You have ABSOLUTELY done the correct thing

It actually wouldn't matter whether he was a horrible person or not, if you aren't happy with your partner then you're entitled to leave him, even if he were a saint. As it is, he sounds like a cock so I expect you'll be a lot happier without him.

Wow! Thank you all so much. I honestly feel so liberated reading all of these comments lol.

I have decided to contact Women's Aid as many have suggested, just for some support.

Regarding the D.C and contact, I will block him and all contact will now be done via email.

I'm just really worried regarding this mail redirection and the possibility of him still applying for credit with my address.

If he’s texting abuse to you then you definitely can and should block him. Send him an email address and tell him you will check it weekly but you will only discuss contact arrangements for your children.

If he wants to be in touch he can do so under your terms.

Give his parents address as a forwarding address if he don't tell you.

I wouldn't block him. He'll say you prevented him arranging contact. Unless his messages are abusive (in which case block). Telling him to use a dedicated email address is fine but check it more than once a week because he has no means of making contact in an emergency.

You are going to have a much happier more fulfilling life starting from now. You have 100% done the right thing. Congratulations!

He can use your address for credit but it won’t impact you unless you have joint financial arrangements. If you do you can ‘disassociate’ yourself from him - go onto Equifax and Experian websites for more info.