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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Telling" people what they can buy for your children

29 replies

triwarrior · 29/10/2018 18:22

We have three children - aged between 10 and 4. Mountains of toys, books and games at home, despite regular donations to local charity shop. This year we have decided to scale back the gift gifting, probably do "something you want/need/wear/read" plus a few stocking stuffers.

DH has five siblings, and we are the only ones with young children (there's a 30 year old niece). We are hosting Christmas and have a group text for the planning. Typically we all buy each other gifts, and because we are not that close, it tends to be gift cards to local restaurants or something crappily homemade that gets "recycled" on Boxing Day so it's literally a case of "pass the gift cards." I suggested that this year we either skip the gifts or do a Secret Santa type thing. Everyone agreed but my SIL was very "but we'll still buy for the kids". I said that that was fine, but that as we're drowning in plastic tat the kids already have plenty of toys and no real preference as to new ones, we'd prefer either books or tickets to do something. (We'd really prefer that they don't buy anything for the kids, but still.) Well, I appear to have killed the group text stone dead, and when I mentioned it to a friend in passing, she said that in her family it would be considered incredibly rude to suggest a gift that way.

From my perspective, I'd love it if a parent pointed me towards a genre of book because it'd make life so much easier for me! Evidently not everyone feels the same. So what's the MN verdict? Reasonable suggestion or the height of rudeness?

OP posts:

oooompa · 29/10/2018 18:28

I'd go with reasonable! I have 2 young children in a small 2 bed flat with no storage and more toys than 10 children would need!

Last year I asked family just to buy something small as we had no room to put large presents. I suggested books as that's the only thing I can never have too many of. Nothing expensive but very much appreciated by all.

Lazypuppy · 29/10/2018 18:28

I think that's a much better way. I always ask the parents what the children would like as i want to get them something they'll like and use.

mama17 · 29/10/2018 18:29

I think thats completely reasonable! If I was your family I would appreciate that. Due to not having a clue what to get other children and what they have already got. Would prefer to spend my money knowing it was useful and not given to charity a few months later.

blueskiesandforests · 29/10/2018 18:32

I agree on cutting fown the tat, but how will they avoid buying a book your kids already have, if they're preschool, or getting it hugely wrong if they're older. Book token would be better.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 29/10/2018 18:32

I think you are very reasonable. IMO, those who are aghast at present requests are those who keep a "gift cupboard", filled with things they've picked up in the sales over the course of the year. Not that there is anything wrong with this, it's a great way of keeping on top of things of you are busy or on a budget, but I do suspect that the presents for your DC have already been bought.

OlennasWimple · 29/10/2018 18:36

I don't think it's unreasonable at all (I always ask for suggestions for family members, and am happy to give suggestions if asked) It's possible, though, that she's already got something bought - lots of people start shopping throughout the year (buy nice stuff in the sales, buy something awesome when they see it, get something from their holidays etc)

Absofrigginlootly · 29/10/2018 18:37

Perfectly reasonable OP but I would don your hard hat if I were you. I posed a very similar OP once and got crucified.

Apparently it’s makes you rude, pretentious, arrogant, selfish, a killjoy and wanky to ask people not to buy your DC any more toys

Pebblespony · 29/10/2018 18:38

Wish our family would do it. I'm perpetually at a loss as to what to get DH niece. A bit of guidance wouldn't go astray.

Original poster

triwarrior · 29/10/2018 18:39

Hard hat at the ready!

Yes, I've seen that people feel very strongly about the "want/need/wear/read" idea...

OP posts:

MrsStrowman · 29/10/2018 18:43

This is normal in my family, we've also gone over to secret santa for the adults, £40-£50 limit so you get one hopefully nice present rather than lots of gift cards , handbags, smellies etc. Only one DN at the moment but SIL and I are both due in the next few weeks. Close family all get her experiences or take her out for the day and get her a book or a small crafty present (she loves to paint) as she gets mountains of toys from friends and distant family on the other side. DB and SIL asked us to do this a while ago and it went down well all round. For her birthday we took her to a Norman castle where she was surrounded by roaming deer, goats, birds she could feed, she got to help fire a huge catapult, try on armour and other similar activities, she loved it and we loved spending the day with her. We also took a picnic as it's not the kind of thing my DB SIL do and she loves it as I've got a proper picnic hamper, she actually asks now if we're taking her out can we have a picnic. YANBU.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 29/10/2018 18:43

I love it when parents tell me what their kids would like! The only problem with tickets is you can’t just buy them for the kids, you have to buy them for the adults who take them too which can get expensive.

blueskiesandforests · 29/10/2018 18:49

Would a random book chosen by auntie Mary or uncle Steve really work for your 10 year old? Or will it gather dust just like the plastic tat if it's not his or her sort of thing? Does your 4 year old really need a 3rd copy of the Tiger Who Came To Tea or a 4th copy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar which she's already outgrown?

You can probably buy your own kids books theyll enjoy at that age, but people who dont know them incredibly well will get it wrong. My family used to buy my kids books because they appeared to believe nobody else would have thought of it, and 90% of what they bought were 3rd or 4th duplicates of classics, unreadable trash from supermarkets or just totally not things they enjoyed reading.

Nobody will admit books can be a crap present because they don't want to look low brow, but duplicates and things they just won't read are very disappointing presents for children to open, especially if youre cutting back so increasing the significance of the individual gifts.

Nothing at all or book tokens, but I think pisters saying theyve already purchased the generic tat in the 3 for 2 summer sales probably have it.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 29/10/2018 18:58

I recently told my dm that if she bought another piece of garden equipment a fucking climbing frame to go with the swings and trampoline for the dt's bday I would never speak to her again
They certainly don't need more toys so I'd rather she was sensible with her money.

I've asked for clothes for my dc from my dp's and db's, dh's sister likes to get them new coats/boots, I don't see why it's a problem, its useful.

Joinourclub · 29/10/2018 19:06

I think it’s wise to point people in the right direction , but as much as I love books, how are your kids going to feel about opening 5 books on Christmas Day? My kids are the only ones in the family and the adults love to buy them presents that get an excited reaction when they are opened! It’s a big part of Christmas Day! I don’t think book after book would get the desired response. I think it’s one thing to say ‘books only’ please for birthdays, but I think that at Christmas it’s a family celebration, and presents are as much about/for the giver as the receiver.

greendale17 · 29/10/2018 19:11

I always ask the parents what to buy

sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 29/10/2018 19:12

Very reasonable!

Alanamackree · 29/10/2018 19:14

My family would consider this sensible and dh’s would consider it rude.
I get asked for suggestions by most of themn now but I wouldn’t make suggestions without being asked. One sil specializes in dramatically oddball gifts that are great fun to open but are mostly junk (last Christmas we got balloons filled with confetti and kinder eggs) Another believes it her mission to drown my dc in plastic tat as she disapproves of my preference for wooden toys 🙄 and mil likes to buy clothes that don’t fit rather than ask me what size they wear.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 29/10/2018 19:17

I don't say what they can buy, but in the past I have made it clear about things I won't let DD have. My MIL insists on buying giant items which living in a flat, we have nowhere to store or even use!!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 29/10/2018 19:26

It sounds awful to some but we have Amazon wish lists for our DCs. I only send it out to people who ask, and my parents, my brother and my PIL all seem happy to use it and ask for it for birthdays and Christmas.

I do ensure a good price range to suit all budgets and recently I've agreed with my brother to just spend £10 each on the children (we have two and so do they). Brother and his wife also have started using Amazon wish lists too, so I was pleased to get something for their eldest that both them and their little boy would want.

I also send out current clothes and feet sizes to parents and PIL after PIL bought loads of stuff for DS that was too small and they'd 'helpfully' taken all the labels off.

Strawberry2017 · 29/10/2018 19:27

I also ask my sister what I can get my niece for xmas, I would rather spend my money on something that will be appreciated and used then something that ends up in the bin months later.
I'm not sure what's unreasonable about your request. X

Ragwort · 29/10/2018 19:36

We only give cash - it seems a bit crazy everyone just sending round £20 notes to children but at least that way they can choose exactly what they want, or save it - my DS is now 17 and has saved enough to buy his first old banger car.

So much better than random tat which ends up in the charity shop.

And I know everyone comes on Mumsnet and says 'I don't give random tat' - but your carefully chosen toy might just be 'random tat' to someone else .

trilbydoll · 29/10/2018 19:39

I think specific requests are a bit rude (this particular barbie doll) but a general book/dressing up/baby doll type request just makes sense, no point buying something that won't be played with.

needsanewname · 29/10/2018 19:42

Everyone in our family asks exactly what the others and DC want for Xmas, usually with specific links to Amazon.

doublethink · 29/10/2018 19:43

We were so grateful for some family members buying gift cards for the kids this year - for our local trampoline park, and another for a climbing centre. Maybe you could suggest something like that?

Pics · 29/10/2018 22:19

I think asking what they would like is one thing, but I hate being told what I can or can't buy as a gift. Especially if it is not the person actually receiving telling me, but a parent. The joy of presents is very much in the choosing and giving - and when you are told what you can and can't buy it just becomes a money transaction even if it is in the form of a voucher. I have been really pleased with gifts of day trips but because it has been a surprise and I have really felt that the person choosing it has thought about it. When people ask I have started requesting small things for them and given ideas. Sometimes they are great, sometimes not so much. But that is all part of the experience of receiving presents too. We encourage the children to do wish lists and we do as a family too - it's a great way of giving an idea of general things we may or may not like - but it's not much fun when there are no surprises.

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