"Telling" people what they can buy for your children

[triwarrior]

We have three children - aged between 10 and 4. Mountains of toys, books and games at home, despite regular donations to local charity shop. This year we have decided to scale back the gift gifting, probably do "something you want/need/wear/read" plus a few stocking stuffers.

DH has five siblings, and we are the only ones with young children (there's a 30 year old niece). We are hosting Christmas and have a group text for the planning. Typically we all buy each other gifts, and because we are not that close, it tends to be gift cards to local restaurants or something crappily homemade that gets "recycled" on Boxing Day so it's literally a case of "pass the gift cards." I suggested that this year we either skip the gifts or do a Secret Santa type thing. Everyone agreed but my SIL was very "but we'll still buy for the kids". I said that that was fine, but that as we're drowning in plastic tat the kids already have plenty of toys and no real preference as to new ones, we'd prefer either books or tickets to do something. (We'd really prefer that they don't buy anything for the kids, but still.) Well, I appear to have killed the group text stone dead, and when I mentioned it to a friend in passing, she said that in her family it would be considered incredibly rude to suggest a gift that way.

From my perspective, I'd love it if a parent pointed me towards a genre of book because it'd make life so much easier for me! Evidently not everyone feels the same. So what's the MN verdict? Reasonable suggestion or the height of rudeness?

I would much rather be given a rough indication of what someone wanted than risk buying something that would just become unused clutter.

Neither of our families live close and DHs family are in another country. I keep an Amazon list of things that DD has already (because MIL refused to ask and then got very upset when she bought things that we already had...!) plus another for books and toys that she might like.

I also write out a little description of what she is into, what she plays with most, what clothes she definitely DOESN’T need (6 winter coats last year...). I only send it to people if they ask for ideas. No-one seems to have been too offended so far.

If I'm going to spend money on a gift, I'd like to make sure it is something the recipient really wants. Who better than the parents to provide ideas. I'd welcome/ask for suggestions

In this situation, Id prefer to be told what present to buy by the parents....I always ask the parents what to buy, Id rather buy something that is wanted, rather than a duplicate or something considered rubbish by the child.

This I prefer, other than one member of our family who takes advantage of this..by this I mean she spends about £30 per child at christmas, and then sends out present requests for the more expensive stuff... and this family member can somehow afford more holidays, nights out and luxuries than any other family member

Most pple on this thread seem to agree -that it isnt unreasonable to ask

However, if this thread had been about a bride and groom telling people what to buy, folk would go right the other way.

It can be hard, as a child free person.

I’ve had criticism for buying books (from my mum about me buying my nieces books - “it’s Christmas, get them something FUN!”) and criticism for giving money (from my goddaughters mum “what’s a 7 year old going to do with 20 quid?” - I just assumed she could buy something she really wanted), and criticism for buying vouchers. The vouchers one was fair as I didn’t realise there wasn’t a Waterstones in their town and they’d have to make a special trip so I exchanged them.

Preferably I’d give money, or take the child in question to the shop. It’s a bit of a minefield.