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To think I can't handle anymore?

30 replies

Mississippilessly · 29/10/2018 16:27

DS was born just over 6 weeks ago. Difficult birth, my episiotomy wound is still healing.

Since he has been born it has just felt like one medical problem.after another.

Firat off my episi stitches burst and gor infected. Late night trip to triage, GP error with meds, anti-biotics, airing it every day, daily bath. Painful and a hassle.

Then he had thrush which we treated and got rid of - it took us 3 weeks, treating him after every feed, treating me too, putting vinegar on my nipples, drinking apple cider vinegar, washing my hands so much they were raw, washing everything at 60.

I have also been on systemic treatment for a coldsore.

Now we think he might have silent reflux though we arent 100% sure.
He has also decided that in the daytime he will only sleep in his sling and the only thing that gets him off is a walk. I am obssessed with his sleep - im constantly worried he isn't getting enough, he can be awake for hours (10 the other day) if you dont work really hard to get him to sleep. He has also had a week of very bad night sleeping.

He has got much better at sleeping in the last few nights. Everything was looking up. This morning - he has thrush again. Sad

I dont know how much more I can take. My NCT friends are all booking swimming lessons which I cant do cos of the wound and I just feel like I am doing everything wrong and everything is against me.

If you got this far - thank you.

OP posts:
Mississippilessly · 29/10/2018 16:40

hopeful bump

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SBDB · 29/10/2018 16:46

Oh I feel your pain with the episiotomy, it’s just soul destroying when it doesn’t seem to be healing and you feel broken. I don’t have any advice but it does get better. I had to go back after 5 weeks to be restitched which was horrid but it does get better.
Regarding sleep, I found the more I worried about it the worse it got! I don’t know if my lo realised I was worrying and then couldn’t sleep. I went with the approach that he’ll sleep when he sleeps, if he’s clean, fed and comfy then he’ll drop off when he’s ready.
My boy is 6 mo this old now and has developed his own sleep routine without too much effort fro me.
I know this bit is really hard! Don’t worry about nct groups, I didn’t feel up to doing anything until 8 weeks and then it suddenly got a bit easier.
Just keep going xxx

riotlady · 29/10/2018 16:48

Flowers that sounds really tough, you’ve been through a lot and it’s not surprising you’re feeling like shit. Is there something nice you’d like to do for yourself- maybe your partner or a family member could watch baby for an hour? Even just sitting having a drink in a coffee shop and reading your book might be a nice break.

How are you feeling about breastfeeding? I wonder if formula might help lift a little bit of stress, especially with the repeated infections. I know I felt like I needed “permission” to give up on breastfeeding, so if you do feel like it’s not for you, please know it’s totally ok to stop.

Mississippilessly · 29/10/2018 16:51

Thanks SBDB. I am seeing people and going for walks, and I have managed to go to the NCT baby cafe but I am skeptical about things like baby sensory and swimming for such young babies.

The thrush ia ruining my experience of breastfeeding and I just hate being a mum right now. I over think everything (but i dont see a lot of it as overthinking!) and I am exhausted by it. He deserves so much better.

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peanut2017 · 29/10/2018 16:52

You poor thing. It's so fucking hard at the beginning if you have had a difficult labour. I was the same on my first. Everything seemed to go against us and like you I was blaming myself that it must be me.

Compared myself (still do sometimes) to others and on my second (who is 3 months) she cries a lot and can be fussy. Makes you feel like it must be my fault.

It will get easier. Try and be kind to yourself in whatever way you can. You are doing your best like we all are and we are all just winging it.

My son had silent reflux / colic and I remember going to things and him screaming and just wanting to go home and cry my eyes out. Which I did sometimes.

You should persevere. There will be good days and bad days and even good morning and then bad evenings.

It's good to get out. Even for a walk. Even if you don't feel like it. It will help.

Mind yourself

Mississippilessly · 29/10/2018 16:53

riotlady thank you, thats what DH has said. I would feel like such a failure. I also like breastfeeding because in theory it is so little hassle but right now it is shit.

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GreenTulips · 29/10/2018 16:55

Keep his head above stomach at all times - lift the cot with a towel under the mattress

He likes the sling because of the position -

If you have to walk him to sleep then do that - saves a lot of time in the long run

Mississippilessly · 29/10/2018 16:56

peanut thank you.
I am getting out, it was only for a walk today but I am managing that..i see lots of people too, i have something 'booked' for every day this week.
He is currently asleep on me and he is so perfect. Then i think of syringes and medication and fucking vinegaring my nipples - is doing is ruining my bond with him

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SBDB · 29/10/2018 16:57

He doesn’t deserve better, he has the best in you! You are doing your absolute best by him and it is working! You are feeding him and he is thriving. If you don’t want to go swimming etc yet then don’t! Equally if you want to stop feeding then do! It’s entirely your decision. I imagine you must feel like it’s a constant go around with the thrush but do you feel like it will go away eventually? If you can see light then it may be worth carrying on bf to get to the ‘easy’ bit, if there is no light then look at formula as an option.
You are not failing xx

Mississippilessly · 29/10/2018 16:57

I cant even eat shed loads of chocolate because of the sugar Sad

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starryeyedsnowgirl · 29/10/2018 16:58

Gosh I remember that phase. Can you ask DH tonight when you have fed the baby at say 9/10 to take him and do everything (change walk in sling etc) until time for the next feed. It will only be a couple of hours, but it can make a surprising difference to how you feel.

Be kind to yourself. None of this is your fault. Some people have a rougher ride than others. You will get there and feel a bit more human soon. Be kind to yourself meantime- enjoy a box set on the couch in the warm with a nice drink and some snacks. It isn't a race to get out. You'll get there soon enough. 

Mississippilessly · 29/10/2018 16:59

SBDB thank you for being so lovely.

Im.exhausting myself googling everything - I dont seem to have any instinct.

Well we got rid of the thrush once so it is possible but now its back!

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Coffeeisnecessary · 29/10/2018 17:00

I feel your pain and my first was exactly the same, the thrush was so draining, and tricky to get rid of. You are not alone, there are so many new parents struggling with medical issues, sleep issues and general 'I've screwed up my life' thoughts. Being a mum is so hard but it WILL get better. You will heal eventually and if the thrush carries on (and is too hard then you can switch to formula?) he will get better. Baby swim classes are pointless at that age anyway, rest and heal and you will both come out the other side one day!

Mississippilessly · 29/10/2018 17:01

starry I have managed an hr of baby free time before - 2 amazing. I will try that - our evenings suddenly seem to disappear

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Mississippilessly · 29/10/2018 17:02

Thanks coffee. How did you get rid of it and how long did it take?

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SBDB · 29/10/2018 17:05

I know what you mean about googling everything! I don’t have my mum nearby and didn’t feel comfortable enough asking ‘stupid’ questions of my mil even though she is lovely! I felt like I had no instinct and no idea what I was doing-everytime he cried I had to check everything and I had friends saying they could tell what each cry was for! I did not have a clue and only did so about 5 months!!
There is an element of fake it til you make it! Only say nice things to yourself! When I was really struggling with my stitches I had to keep saying “I can do this, the pain will pass” and whilst some days I wanted to swear back at myself for being a liar, eventually it worked a bit!!
You’ve beat it once you can do it again and keep telling yourself it’s not changing your bond it’s just one of those things that happens!

Mississippilessly · 29/10/2018 19:08

Thanks everyone
Now trying to decide if he has silent reflux so give him the prescription meds or just stick with gripe water. Cant cope with watching him deal with medication after medication. It breaks my heart.

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2weeksholiday · 29/10/2018 19:22

Bless you. As PP have said, be kind to yourself. It's really hard work when baby is so small.
It sounds to me like you are doing a great job. Going out every day is great, it gives you a break from routine at home and then you can enjoy your cuddling time at home. Use the time to sit down, watch some rubbish on tv or read a book, you need to rest and recuperate. My 2 would only have naps on me during the day. I struggled at first thinking of everything I could be doing instead, but looking back, I'm so glad I took the time to sit and let them sleep on me.

PumpkinPie2016 · 29/10/2018 19:36

You poor thing OP - I remember the first few weeks well and it was so, so hard! Flowers

Like you, I had a very difficult birth and finished up with a c-section so the recovery was long. In addition, DS was a fussy baby and at the time seemed like such hard work compared to other babies I saw (sounds awful I know but he was!).

At 6 weeks, I certainly wasn't booking swimming lessons etc. In fact, some days, I would have happily given him to the first person who walked past!

Look after yourself and don't worry too much about what you do/don't do - honestly, at this age as long as they are fed, warm and loved (which he is!) that's all they need.

Sit on the sofa, let him sleep on you, maybe go for a short walk if you feel up to it. Is there anyone who can come and make you a brew and hold baby while you drink it? Or give you an hour to yourself?

Hang in there - it will get easier!

Nutkins24 · 29/10/2018 20:01

My ds (2nd baby) is 6 weeks too and this 1st bit can feel like a huge uphill struggle. I certainly wouldn’t be thinking of swimming lessons! I totally felt the same re. The medical issues, we both had to have iv antibiotics then got thrush, I was thinking my god when does the medication end! All I can say is it does get easier. Have you had latch checked and tounge tie? Reflux is often a symptom of bad latch or tounge tie. Personally I’d see the medication as a last resort. Also my ds has had a bad latch resulting in reflux but it’s just started to improve as he’s growing. It may improve for you too. It’s great that you can get out. How are the nights? Regarding the thrush, I’ve been taking probiotics (in the form of homemade kefir) as I was worried about our guts after the antibiotics and I don’t know if it was coincidental but it cleared up when I started taking it, might be worth a try!

Coffeeisnecessary · 29/10/2018 20:15

To be honest I struggled on miserably with it for 6 months, went to the doctor and begged for help, spoke to la leche league and got all sorts of info, docs did prescribe fluconazole tablets for me, a weeks course I think? Could have been a low dose, it was a while ago so not sure! It went a bit but kept coming back, eventually I switched to formular and instantly realised I should have done that a long time ago! I told myself I wouldn't be so stubborn with my second and switch if it got bad but luckily it wasn't an issue for him. It's such hard work, look after yourself.

Jackshouse · 29/10/2018 20:29

Will reply properly later. But why are you not using vinegar and not antifungal cream on your nipples?


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mintyfresh00 · 29/10/2018 20:34

Hi OP, I haven't RTFT, just wanted to reassure you that it does get easier. We had lots of medical issues at the beginning and it made a difficult time (first time parents with a demanding baby) pretty horrific.

I remember starting to feel a difference at the 8 month mark.

Hang tight.

Oh, and "comparison is the thief of joy". Don't compare yourself to your other mum friends, even if they seem peachy on the outside I'm sure they are finding certain things hard too. X

Iizzyb · 29/10/2018 22:00

Op I don't really have any useful advice although I did agonise about giving up bf and found after I did (at 6 weeks) that it had so been the right decision for us. Ds is now almost 6. As bright and healthy as they come & needs exercising like a greyhound at the weekends these days. I did want to say it does get easier whatever you decide to do & you sound like a brilliant caring mummy who loves your lo very much. BrewThanksCake xx

Mississippilessly · 29/10/2018 22:11

lizzy thank you - your post made me cry. I do love him. Sometimes I doubt that.

Jackshouse I am using anti fungal cream but I have also been told that vinegar helps break down the sugars present in breastmilk so I do both - vinegar rinse then antifungal cream. The last 10 days have been amazing at night - just feed and go back to sleep. I guess now I am back to meds for both of us.

I am so exhausted by thoughts. There is a wealth of info online but my head is spinning. I dont know if LO is perfectly normal or whther he does have something like silent many people say 'i did x and it sorted it' - problem is there are thousands of 'x''s.

Its just all way too much. I had doubts about having a baby. Maybe I was right.

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