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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Young driver

74 replies

Tiscold · 29/10/2018 15:10

Son has just passed his test and today bought his car and paid his insurance from his own money as he has worked very hard for it.

Would we be unreasonable to put limits on him taking passangers for a while and driving while late etc? Or should we just let him drive who he wants and when he wants as we haven't contributed to his car.

We're worried as a young driver that has just passed and hasnt yet drove that picking up mates and driving at night, won't be a good thing to do and he should wait for a hit and just get used to driving first and learn his car kind of thing, while he wants to drive 30 miles tonight with his mates for a meal out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiscold · 29/10/2018 15:38

I think i will reccomend he has a quick drive round once he is back from college then give him some advice before he goes out and let him know that me or his dad can come pick him up and help him if he gets in a situation he is uncomfortable to deal with.

OP posts:

GeoEm · 29/10/2018 15:39

Yeah. His money, his car, his hard work and effort.

You shouldn't be controlling him in such a way but can advise and give advice and concern sure... but no. I don't think that's fair at all to limit his driving for something he has worked hard towards and paid for himself.

Original poster

Tiscold · 29/10/2018 15:47

Ok will go down the advise route.
Should we offer to ride eith him? Or just let him go out by himself and get familiar eith his car.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 29/10/2018 15:49

Let him go by himself.

BrookCreek · 29/10/2018 15:54

I have two sons and they both passed their test at 17. My view was that I don't care if they think it's unreasonable I know the dangers of young men at the wheel. I also know from driving with car loads of children in the back how distracting it can be for the driver.
I placed a no passenger restriction for at least the first few weeks, similarly I wouldn't let them go as passengers with new driver friends, even if that meant I had to give lifts for a bit longer.

DS2 later told me about one night when his friend gave a group a lift home. The boy had passed his test that day. The girl who sat in the front was drunk and kept reaching over him and leaning into him. Could have caused an awful accident.

Furrydogmum · 29/10/2018 16:00

Has he got a black box with his insurance? My son has had to have one for the last 3 years to make the premiums affordable.. He doesn't like it but it has made him drive within the law at all times and has given me a lot of peace of mind.
A car full of teenage boys and a new driver is not a mothers dream 😐

BarbaraofSevillle · 29/10/2018 16:01

YANBU to worry. You say he is sensible. Does that still apply when he is out with his mates or is there a risk that he'll get cocky and show off?

There are frequent tragedies where (almost always) groups of young men crashing and all dying. I would talk to him about this and the importance of driving carefully, not racing, not overtaking when it's not safe, making sure everyone is wearing seatbelts. The importance of not giving into peer pressure when his mates are egging him on or teasing him about driving like an old lady.

Get him to read a few of these:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-46002197

www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/news/crime/lunatic-driver-faces-jail-over-leeds-crash-that-killed-two-teens-and-left-two-others-disabled-1-8041690

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-44667173

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-45064220

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-42829783

His insurance is expensive for a reason. And if he doesn't stay safe, it'll never get cheaper. And that's the 'good' outcome. So many young men have lost their lives or been permanently disabled, or ended up in prison due to dangerous driving or not recognising their inexperience.

Sorry for the grim post, but there has been so many tragedies.

TheFairyCaravan · 29/10/2018 16:11

I've got 2 sons who passed their tests at 17, as did the majority of their friends, but we didn't put any restrictions on them. TBF their friends were respectful and responsible so sat still and were quiet. DS1 would definitely have chucked anyone out who distracted him and probably still would.

Our two did their Pass Plus. When DS1 did it the council paid for it however by the time DS2 did it they were paying a 50% contribution. I'd recommend that he did that. He'd have to go out in the dark and on the motorway (I know you can do that in lessons now, too) with the instructor. Our two found it beneficial and it brings their insurance down with some companies.

Pfingstrose · 29/10/2018 16:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP! I'd feel the same way!

Notjustanyone · 29/10/2018 16:11

If you had paid for it then yeah you could restrict him but you didn't so you missed a trick there!
When my dd passes her test she gets to use my car so she will be grateful and will abide by my rules. I don't really have any accept that she treats my car well and doesn't eat or drink in it. She's very sensible though and will only use it to get to and from college.

Original poster

Tiscold · 29/10/2018 16:12

He is sensible round his mates as theyre all good people and close knit.

He has a black box and i know he would drive sensibly as he even comments if i go over the limit on clear roads.

I think im just being panicky, teen boys have bad stats and no mstter what i think he is like, we never really know do we.

I think its such a dangerous thing at night, with mates, new car, first time without a qualified adult with experience and its a long way to drive.

But i think i need to let him make his choices, tell him to have a quick practise and that not to get into any situation he isn't comfortable in.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiscold · 29/10/2018 16:15

I hope his mates are respectful, theyre good lads and ive given them lifts before and they've behaved and theyre all so nice

But i just dont know i cant shake the feeling.

OP posts:

TheViceOfReason · 29/10/2018 16:15

Immediately after passing my test (in January) i was driving 60 miles a day in the dark / snow / ice.

A few weeks after passing i drove 200 miles with a friend and then back alone.

The danger here is a combination of loud music and lots of chatting = low concentration. Can you have a chat with him and just ask him to be mindful that driving under instructor conditions is different to with a lot of distractions.

itbemay · 29/10/2018 16:15

My DH went out with my daughter in her car driving around for a couple of hours then we let her loose! She was an awful driver to start with and I was sick with worry but being out on her own built her confidence and now she's a great driver. I'd say leave him be. Well done to your ds paying his own insurance!

Stephisaur · 29/10/2018 16:16

Did he have any lessons in the dark/adverse weather conditions?

If he did, and he feels confident to drive, then I would let him.

If he didn't, then I would caution him that it won't be like he's used to.

I took 3 mates to a party the week after I passed my test, but I had had lessons in my car and I was a confident driver.

overnightangel · 29/10/2018 16:16

“Drops the bombshell” 30 miles ffs
Really?!!!

BrookCreek · 29/10/2018 16:17

BarbaraofSevillle I completely agree.
When DS2 was at sixth form there were four boys killed in a car crash all from one village.
I'd rather be the embarrassing and annoying mother while they gain a bit of driving experience.

OP as it's October I'm guessing he is one of the first to pass his test. That means the passengers will be largely non-drivers. I remember DS1 saying that when he gave lifts to friends( which was after he'd been driving a few weeks), those who could drive or were learning were much more careful not to distract him than the non-drivers.

siakcaci · 29/10/2018 16:18

How much have you covered regarding safe driving already? By the time my eldest got to actual lessons never mind test they were well versed in safe driving. Not taking risks, being aware, driving at night, distractions etc.

If you have naturally covered these things already, and you did eventually say he has a black box (massive drip feed btw, driving is always different when they have a box) then I would just let him get on with it.

If you have never taught him anything about road safety and have just relied on his lessons to teach him, then I would be slightly more cautious, but still, he has the black box.

SaucyJack · 29/10/2018 16:21

With all due respect, he might not find it that relaxing to be taking you or his Dad out anyway if you’re in supervisory panicky mode.

If his mates are a decent bunch, then I don’t think they’ll be putting him at any more risk than having his parents as passengers.

KatyMac · 29/10/2018 16:25

proposed changes to the test I think mean what he is proposing won't be allowed in future (I may have read it wong)

PollardOrPolluck · 29/10/2018 16:26

Also RE the black box this will make him drive massively more sensibly. My car had a black box and I was always super aware of it even though I wasn't the one paying for my insurance. I actually told my parents off for speeding in my car as going 35 in a 30 or 80 on the motorway was normal for them but I had to remind them that they couldn't drive like that in my car. Of course warn him, get him to text you when he's arrived safely, but trust that he's a sensible boy (and will be shit terrified of losing all the money he spent if his black box cancels is insurance for speeding).

Racecardriver · 29/10/2018 16:29

Just tell him that if he would rather not drive back to call you and you will come out and drive back for him. He’ll probably be fine though.

GeorgeTheHippo · 29/10/2018 16:50

Oh I feel your pain. Son the same age, test coming up. (However I have paid for the car and the insurance and have told him no passengers for the first few weeks).

Have you insisted on P plates? They might help.

Have you gone driving with him before he passed? We are driving daily on L plates in the hope that if he passes he will be as safe as possible. I am using the practice to spend time talking a lot about safe choices - picking the easier route and the quieter time of day for traffic. If you haven't done this, I would start to do it now. If not, can you practice the route out to the meal with him beforehand?

GeorgeTheHippo · 29/10/2018 16:53

Practise

Original poster

Tiscold · 29/10/2018 17:42

Hi all thank you, for all the kind words and advice. I drove the car up to college and let him have a drive home and he was fab .

I sat him down and told him my concerns but that he is in charge of the vehicle so its up to him. He has decided to go but will be extra careful and ring me if he needs any help.

Hopefully all will be ok and he has just gone out for a practuse around the estate with dad sat gripping the seat no doubt .

OP posts:

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