To find my partner irritating?

[Confusedlady7777]

My oh doesnt live with me yet but spends a lot of time at mine. He helps for example wash up if I cook etc. The other day he helped adjust boiler settings.. I appreciate his help but... he always goes on about things hes done.. for example he cleaned out the woodburner which we both love having on. The glass was sparkling clean. Oh my god though did he keep going on about it all evening! "How beautiful is that fire now!". "That glass is so clear".. about 10 comments I counted. I agreed with first few and i thanked him several times but by the end of the night his trumpet blowing started to irritate me.. particularly as when i put the fire on after cleaning it he perhaps says once "the fire looks great" yet when he does something he has to keep going on about it.

Another example.. if he cleans the kitchen I will say oh wow it looks great thank you.. he will then proceed to give me a full account of what he has done.. "ive cleaned all the surfaces and the chopping board there is clean".. etc..

I guess i wish he'd just gracefully accept my thanks and stop harping on lol!

Also food! I cook a delicious meal and he says.. " its lovely thank you".. i reply "thanks.. im glad you enjoyed it".. end of topic.. whereas He cooks a delicious meal and i say its lovely thank you and he will then say "oh yes its really tasty isnt it.. this and that blends well and mmmm x y z......".. i just find it a bit ungracious? If thats the word.. am i being silly???

Anyone elses man like this?

'Yeah maybe it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship, but to dump someone (as your first response to me DID suggest!) just because of small things that niggle is ludicrous.

We are none of us perfect (as several other posters said too) and I am sure you have irritating habits too, as do we all. How would you feel if you were in a relationship that you thought was going well, and after 5-6 months, your partner said 'sorry but I hate the way you eat, and how you complain when I don't text you back within half hour of you texting me,' and then just dumped you! No real good valid reasons; just trivial.'

I've had it happen. TBH, it was fine with me becuase if they'd never brought it up, then I wouldn't want to stay with them anyhow because they're not someone who's good at communicating.

She's brought it up. It's still niggling her. It's obviously irritating her a lot. And those small things, anyone can tell you they can become very big things over time a bit like that article 'She divorced me because I left glasses by the sink'. When it wasn't so much about the glasses but the entire dynamic in the relationships.

This person needs a lot of validation for performing trivial tasks. It's becoming increasingly obvious that's not the sitting well with her.

All she can do is bring it up again and decide, but honestly, there's no shame at all in dropping whoever for 'little niggles' that you realise are starting to impact negatively on the relationship and the other party is just 'meh, that's how I am, take it or leave it'.

Just like my h!!! Everything about him is annoying plus he does exactly what you’ve just written

If you are so fussy and precious about EVERYthing, and sack someone off for one small annoying thing they do, without even talking to them about it, or taking into account all their good points, then be prepared to spend much of your life alone.

But it kind of depends on what type of thing it is. You don't like the annoying way he spreads butter on toast - well that's not his fault, it doesn't happen that often and you can ignore it and get over yourself, so that shouldn't be a dealbreaker. But an annoying habit that reveals insecurity, self-importance and neediness, I think is more significant. Maybe a bit of a red flag because it could well be a sign he'll be self-obsessed and needy about more important things too.

And also, as a PP said, being alone isn't the worst that could happen. After separating from ex who drove me insane in many ways large and small, and me trying to tolerate it or fix it for far too long, I can't imagine having another serious partner, definitely not a live-in one. I like being single! And OP's boyfriend's behaviour would be a massive turn-off for me, I don't think I could endure it for long.

Pippa999 if the OP had been complaining because her partner kept holding his knife like a pencil, or mispronouncing "nuclear", I could see your point. But if a 32 year old man is constantly and repeatedly demanding praise for performing basic household tasks (ones which the OP does for no praise), that is NOT a silly, trivial gripe. It would be exhausting having to validate him all the time and I can imagine it would turn your relationship into more of a mother/son dynamic, which would be seriously unsexy.

Sorry but if a man mispronounced "nuclear" he wouldn't even get a snog :o

But if a 32 year old man is constantly and repeatedly demanding praise for performing basic household tasks (ones which the OP does for no praise), that is NOT a silly, trivial gripe

Have I missed the part where it said he demanded praise? OP said he goes on about it which shows he's proud and happy with what he's done - a tad annoying but hardly a "toddler who demands praise and is needy and insecure" as some are unfairly saying on here

Thanks everyone for all your comments.. really helpful. Some said he didnt demand praise. I agree with everything everyone has said in some respects. I didnt make my post clear and explain the priase thing. To clarify...he has said to me in the past he likes praise. I think we all do but yes he has said he likes praise and to be appreciated and hes said that he doesnt want to be taken for granted

I meant to say.. i dont think that he likes praise because hes needy and insecure .. he likes praise because he wants to feel appreciated and doesnt want to feel taken for granted ...

Bloobcurdling No, fair enough. I realised as I was typing it that it was a bad example but I was honestly having trouble thinking of a mispronunciation that wouldn't enrage me. I'm single for good reasons.

OP - but why does he have to keep on about it when you've already acknowledged what he's done? That does seem more than usually needy.

Next time he does this, put on a t-shirt with the words "I'm so lucky", get him a giant medal, pop some huge confetti cannons and give him an gigantic thank you card, while holding a thank you banner and playing Thank You by Dido... might get the point across... 

Praise is fine, but he doesn't just like praise, he likes a lot, for normal, every day adult functions, and it's not a two-way street, it's a one-way one, where he expects it in spades but doesn't mete it out.

I'd honestly go for TheVice's approach. Don't let it lie, bring it up.

Because believe me, it can grow very tiresome to live with someone who keeps a tally of praise and/or expects it for every day life functions or they feel slighted, hard done by or taken for granted. We all have times when we have to take on more functions than other times - when your partner or spouse is ill, for example, or you have young children, or there's illness or death in the family or one person has to travel, for example. It's swings and roundabouts. Living with someone who's tallying this all up is exhausting.

@MrsJane

Next time he does this, put on a t-shirt with the words "I'm so lucky", get him a giant medal, pop some huge confetti cannons and give him an gigantic thank you card, while holding a thank you banner and playing Thank You by Dido... might get the point across...

This is brilliant! 😂😂

@Houseonthelake

Have I missed the part where it said he demanded praise? OP said he goes on about it which shows he's proud and happy with what he's done - a tad annoying but hardly a "toddler who demands praise and is needy and insecure" as some are unfairly saying on here

Exactly this. As I said, these people who are so fussy and precious and critical and intolerant about the smallest things, must spend most of their time single! (Probably with very few friends too.) None of us are perfect, and we all have flaws, and if everyone dumped their OH because they are apparently intolerable (when it's really small and trivial issues,) everyone would be bloody permanently single!

All this said, looking at the OP's update, it seems although she is getting a bit irked by her partner right now, she is coming to terms with his idiosyncrasies. Good idea. It's all about give and take, not dumping someone because they are a bit insecure, or a bit of a stresshead sometimes, or they say 'supposebly,' instead of 'supposedly.' Or write 'YOUR the best my wonderful girlfriend!' in a card instead of 'YOU'RE the best my wonderful girlfriend.'

Sometimes you have to be more patient and tolerant and understanding. As I said, if you're too picky/ fussy/ precious/ intolerant/ judgemental/ up yourself, then don't be surprised if you're forever single. And yeah, I do know/have known a number of people like this. They are single most of the time, and never in a relationship for more than a few weeks/several months.

And they often end up alone in middle age (and older,) as they have driven everyone away with their criticism and intolerance, and their high expectations!

That would get on my nerves after a while.

But, you can explain to him how annoying it can be and see if he tries to curb his enthusiasm for going on about the things he has done.

If not, you could try to encourage him along with not mentioning things so much. Maybe get a small whiteboard and when he has done something he'll mention over and over again write it at the top. Then when he mentions it, make a mark. Once he's mentioned it 5 times make a gate (the old way of scoring). Do it until he stops mentioning it. If he asks what you are doing you can tell him. If he doesn't realise/believe how much he goes on about things you will have a tally on the whiteboard to prove it to him.

After a couple of different instances - cleaned the fire, made a meal etc. you can just pick up the board and make a mark while looking at him, should shut him up pretty quickly.

Sometimes you have to be more patient and tolerant and understanding.

Says who? Who on Earth takes it on him or herself to determine what a person should put up with from a boyfriend or girlfriend and then scolds them for their own feelings and wags the finger, 'Now, now, dear, you need to shut up and put up or you'll end up, shock!horror!, ALONE forever! As if it's just the worst thing in the world to be single.

The world has about 3.5bn men in it, if you're not compatible with one for whatever reason when you two aren't even living together or have kids together, you are entirely in your remit what you do about it. You are perfectly entitled to feel what you do and to bring it up how you wish.

I'm one of those fussy types. If there were a trait like this that I just going to knew was going to turn into a major issue, I brought it up and yes, at times, walked away because it does no one any good to stay in a relationship where you're not compatible. How dare I have standards?! Been married happily for 19 years.

Thanks everyone.. i think i will talk to him again as it is very irritating and i do worry longterm about his need for praise over basic things :-/

This would seriously get on my tits. No where near but my DH usually tells me what he has done in the house "I've cleaned the bathroom".....right, and? Am I supposed to fall over and be grateful? I don't feel the need to inform him when I've done some basic housework.

I ask if he needs a chufty badge. Once I wrote 'chufty badge' on a post it note and stuck it to him .

Mine has been pulling this shit for years. Always throwing lists of meaningless small shit he's done that if I do it I never even mention. The response from me is now , "what? do you want a round of applause and a fucking blow job for wiping the side now?

Maybe you could tell him to do a victory lap around the block for every task well done. Bet that'd stop him.

Sorry but if a man mispronounced "nuclear" he wouldn't even get a snog

Likewise! I couldn't spend my life with a man who was liable to throw the "nucular" bomb at any time, it just makes me cringe.