To find my partner irritating?

[Confusedlady7777]

My oh doesnt live with me yet but spends a lot of time at mine. He helps for example wash up if I cook etc. The other day he helped adjust boiler settings.. I appreciate his help but... he always goes on about things hes done.. for example he cleaned out the woodburner which we both love having on. The glass was sparkling clean. Oh my god though did he keep going on about it all evening! "How beautiful is that fire now!". "That glass is so clear".. about 10 comments I counted. I agreed with first few and i thanked him several times but by the end of the night his trumpet blowing started to irritate me.. particularly as when i put the fire on after cleaning it he perhaps says once "the fire looks great" yet when he does something he has to keep going on about it.

Another example.. if he cleans the kitchen I will say oh wow it looks great thank you.. he will then proceed to give me a full account of what he has done.. "ive cleaned all the surfaces and the chopping board there is clean".. etc..

I guess i wish he'd just gracefully accept my thanks and stop harping on lol!

Also food! I cook a delicious meal and he says.. " its lovely thank you".. i reply "thanks.. im glad you enjoyed it".. end of topic.. whereas He cooks a delicious meal and i say its lovely thank you and he will then say "oh yes its really tasty isnt it.. this and that blends well and mmmm x y z......".. i just find it a bit ungracious? If thats the word.. am i being silly???

Anyone elses man like this?

Yes he was and is praisee a LOT by his mum.. she tells me how wonderful he is!

He lacks self confidence and self esteem. So he needs to be bigged up and praised to make himself feel good

I couldn't be doing with that , tbh 🙄

I hate this. Ex was a bit like it, and his mum was the worst so I saw where he got it from! It just drives me mad and brings out my inner sarcastic bitch, which I then have to suppress because the person really wants validation. But yes, these are normal things that people do and acting like you deserve a medal is so tiresome.

Agree with others, don't let him move in!

Could you get him to do everything. It seems a small price to pay.

I really hate this sort of thing. Honestly, OP, he sounds a right twat.

Get a banner with this on it and wave it every time he starts going on beyond one comment.
Yes it would annoy me too - it does every time DH says "that's how you park a car/make a fire/cook a meal"/ do whatever the fuck he's just done in a perfectly ordinary mediocre and not in any way spectacular fashion. As though no one else could possibly manage it.

I'm sorry op but I have a vision now of what he must be like after good sex

Have you tried doing it back to him? First thing in the morning, give him a blow-by-blow account of how you wiped round the shower. The move on to repeated comments on how brilliantly you prepared breakfast, and every single step you took whilst clearing and washing up followed by several re-runs, then an breathtaking account of how you got the washing together and put it int the machine, etc etc. As soon as he asks why you're being so weird, point out that it can#t be weird because he does it all the time.

This sort of thing might only be mildly annoying now, but give it a couple of years and you will be ready to poke him in the eye for it. I'd get rid now, unless he's bloody amazing in bed.

This reminds me of the episode of Black Mirror, Hang the DJ, where the female lead is paired with a very good-looking man who is cultured, intelligent, amazing in bed etc, but he has a habit of going "ah!" every time he takes a mouthful of tea. She ends up willing the time to end on their relationship so she can get away from him. The most innocuous habits can become major irritants once you've noticed them, and your DP's habit isn't even particularly benign. I would find that very annoying too!

My DH can do this a little bit. I call him out on it and ask if he wants a Tufty Badge (showing my age). But he's from a big family and his sister is a million times worse so I think it's probably from childhood and seeking attention. She goes on to the nth degree for validation of everything she does. And if someone else makes an observation about something randomly logic (something that would be common sense to most folk), she'll repeat this observation so many times it's like it has become her own.

She also does this thing where she over praises. For every single little thing. Super, great, well done. Well thanks but all I did was slice a fucking tomato. So I think she does this because that's the level of praise she expects for everything she does no matter how big or small.

He does love praise and to be appreciated and does have a tendancy to "go on". I have mentioned it to him.. its just who he is and how he is...

When people show you who they are, listen to them. He will not change, he has told you this now. He has basically told you he's an attention-seeking toddler who has be praised like a Year1 pupil because good ol' Mum did that and gosh darnit, he deserves it!

Do NOT move in with this person. It will progress to point scoring and tab keeping with, 'But I did X for you!' 'I helped and you are so ungrateful!' about basic adult functions.

And I'm with Vice. I'd try this approach as suggested:
'Be blunt!

"Do you want a medal? Look, I appreciate you having done x, y or z - but these are normal things that adults do. You've been banging on about it for 25 minutes now." '

He gets defensive and well, you have been answered a second time.

This type of thing grows very tiresome over the long-term because well, washing up and cooking and cleaning woodburners is just part of life we all crack on with because we're adults, not an attention-seeking exercise.

This could easily be a character flaw stemming from how he was brought up. Distant parents who never praised him or took much interest in him when he did anything good (good grades, success in a hobby, well behaved, cleaned room without asking etc). This kind of behaviour is him revelling in that kind of positive attention as an adult, but is most likely subconscious and he doesn't realise that most people get their praise and thank you once and then basque in that, instead of bingeing on it like he does.

Yeah, my ex husband once asked me why I hadn't "lavished him with praise" for taking the bins out. He wasn't pleased when my only comment was that that explained why the back gate had been left lying open.

I'm already thinking murderous thoughts on your behalf, OP. If it's irritating now, it will only get worse!

If this is annoying you now, I don't think this relationship has longevity to be honest. Imagine a few years down the line, you're sitting in bed recovering from a horrendous birth and he wants a gold star for changing a nappy or something. I think I'd have to kill him.

Just say calm down love it’s not like your cured cancer make a joke out of it .

My DH is like this sometimes. When he has done something in the house ..... (Not that often, but occasionally.)

But yeah, sometimes when he cleans the kitchen (for example) and wipes the worktops down, etc (when I am out shopping or something,) he will say 'I've saved you a job!' with a massive And 'is that clean enough for you?' And my personal fave 'Took me 2 hours this did, coz it was filthy.'

I say 'Funny that, coz I only gave it a good clean 3 days ago, that took ME 2 hours!' Then I say 'Maybe you should completely take over the kitchen cleaning duties!'

'Oh no, I wouldn't wanna take your little jobs from you he says.'

He is lucky I don't tip a carton full of milk over his head!

ALSO, when he says something remotely funny (which is rare as I am the funny one!) I laugh, and he says 'did ya like that? Was that funny? That was funny wasn't it haha!'

Errrm yes, but you don't need to go on about it! It's like he NEEEEEEDS praise.

He also has this habit - when I do something stupid or clumsy - of taking the piss, and telling EVERYONE we meet about this 'hilarious' thing I did. Thing is, 4 times out of 5, it was silly/funny/worth a ribbing at the time but 2 weeks later, when he has told some 10 or so people, it's worn very thin, and quite honestly, the occasions are often a 'you had to be there' kind of situation, so most people just look awkward. I don't do the same to him. I wouldn't DREAM of taking the piss out of a daft/clumsy thing he did, as I am not an arsehole who laughs at other peoples expense!

Don't ask me why I'm married to him! I don't fucking know!

Seriously, he's not a horrible person, just a bit of an attention seeker, and quite insecure, and these things rarely happen compared to the nice/good things he does!

@theviceofreason

Be blunt!

"Do you want a medal? Look, I appreciate you having done x, y or z - but these are normal things that adults do. You've been banging on about it for 25 minutes now."

This. Brilliant! This should not be a dealbreaker (as a few have said,) but it needs sorting, as it will get very annoying. As I said, my DH doesn't do it THAT often, but it is annoying when he DOES do it.

This should not be a dealbreaker (as a few have said,) but it needs sorting, as it will get very annoying.

When you're not married to a person, not living with them, at the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, anything can and should be a dealbreaker. This is why so many end up in shit relationships. No one's perfect, but seriously, don't put up with crap like this when it's already niggling the fuck out of you and he just says, 'Well, this is just how I am.' It's fine to not be compatible with someone for whatever reason.

@dontalltalkatonce

I don't agree with you at all. If you are so fussy and precious about EVERYthing, and sack someone off for one small annoying thing they do, without even talking to them about it, or taking into account all their good points, then be prepared to spend much of your life alone.

My dh is the same about the food. It's irritating but he was this way before we got married 18 years ago and has redeeming qualities so I remark a few times how good something he made is and after that I just ignore and pretend I didn't hear. Of course I make a fantastic meal and I get the same, that was good honey, thanks.

I'm sure my irritating habits are probably worse!

EXACTLY Tower No-one is perfect and we all have our flaws. To dump someone because of something quite trivial without even saying anything about it, is just daft IMO.

We all have our faults!!! I know I have a few annoying traits!

If you are so fussy and precious about EVERYthing, and sack someone off for one small annoying thing they do, without even talking to them about it, or taking into account all their good points, then be prepared to spend much of your life alone.

Never said she shouldn't talk about it. She has once. I suggested she try TheVice's approach and then decide. It's in no way 'fussy' to not want to remain with someone who needs constant validation for basic adult functions (but interestingly doesn't return it to the other party).

When you're not living together is the time to hash all that out and decide.

It's better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

I agree completely Pippa.

Re anything can and should be a dealbreaker:

Of course, as long as you realise that the more dealbreakers you have, the less chance you have of settling down with someone. There is a huge leap between ending up in a shit relationship and dumping a guy because he has one slightly annoying habit! I can't believe some are saying LTB! OP doesn't even say he needs praise, just that he can go on a bit when he's proud of something.

We all have our flaws. Annoying maybe but a dealbreaker in an otherwise great guy, seriously?

@dontalltalkatonce

Yeah maybe it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship, but to dump someone (as your first response to me DID suggest!) just because of small things that niggle is ludicrous.

We are none of us perfect (as several other posters said too) and I am sure you have irritating habits too, as do we all. How would you feel if you were in a relationship that you thought was going well, and after 5-6 months, your partner said 'sorry but I hate the way you eat, and how you complain when I don't text you back within half hour of you texting me,' and then just dumped you! No real good valid reasons; just trivial.

I know/have known a number of people who are precious and fussy and intolerant and super-picky, and they are all, without exception, perpetually single and alone.

I am not saying we should stand for crap and nonsense from men, and stay in abusive relationships, or with men who are twats, but the reasons some people come up with to ditch someone, are laughable, and as I said, they are almost always single. Because NO--ONE is ever good enough for them...

Afraid we are going to have to agree to differ' dontalltalk'

@houseonthelake

I agree completely Pippa.

Re anything can and should be a dealbreaker

Of course, as long as you realise that the more dealbreakers you have, the less chance you have of settling down with someone. There is a huge leap between ending up in a shit relationship and dumping a guy because he has one slightly annoying habit! I can't believe some are saying LTB! OP doesn't even say he needs praise, just that he can go on a bit when he's proud of something.

We all have our flaws. Annoying maybe but a dealbreaker in an otherwise great guy, seriously?

Thanks House Agree with you too.