AIBU?
To just get them gift cards?
survivalmode · 29/10/2018 09:47
DH's family, I mean, for Christmas. Every year I choose gifts for his family, things I think they'll like that cost a fair bit. We don't tend to get similarly thoughtful gifts back.
I get that they're too busy. Or maybe I'm choosing them awful things, I don't even know any more. I just can't spare them the brain space this year. I have a new baby, PSD and preschooler with ASD. I'm in survival mode.
So AIBU to just buy them gift cards for their favourite stores?
Potterpotty · 29/10/2018 10:01
Christmas should be fun and about spending time with your loved ones not worrying about presents. So get them the gift cards as they will be able to get twice as much in the sales afterwards ;) xx xx
BarbaraofSevillle · 29/10/2018 10:09
Or call them up and suggest no gifts at all.
Have a no unnecessary presents pact. Sounds like they'll heave a sigh of relief. Or if you can't not do presents, just buy for DCs and send a box of biscuits for the family.
Or DH can sort his own family's presents.
I would be careful about gift cards. Stores etc seem to be going bust left, right and centre at the moment and if that happens, the money on the gift card is probably lost.
belfastbosoms · 29/10/2018 10:10
Why can't your DH sort out the presents for his family?
survivalmode · 29/10/2018 10:55
I tried to suggest just buying for the kids last year, which went down like a lead balloon. DH is the only member of his family with kids, so we wouldn't buy any gifts at all if we had that rule. I tentatively tried to suggest that to, and was told 'Well, let's see about that' and we received (unnecessary and unwanted) gifts anyway. So I'm stuck now. Can't not buy for em.
BarbaraofSevillle · 29/10/2018 11:10
Can't not buy for em
But whyyyy?
I really really do not get this. You're having a difficult time of things right now 
. Only a complete selfish twat would get upset if someone in your position didn't get them a gift, given that they are all adults.
As explained in the No Unnecessary Presents Pact. You spend money (and time and effort) and end up with a load of crap you don't want. They spend money (and an unspecified amount of time and effort) and end up with gifts from you that may or may not be to their tastes. Exactly what does this achieve? It doesn't sound like it's bringing everyone together to make nice festive memories.
If it was me, I wouldn't bother and tell DH to send them all cards. But if you feel that you must send them gifts and money isn't an issue, send them gift cards, but do it really passively agressively by sending them for slightly crappy shops (eg WH Smith, Debenhams) that it's a mystery why they still exist, so hopefully they'll have a hard time spending them and possibly be more receptive to no gifts next year.
SEsofty · 29/10/2018 11:16
Just don’t buy them anything.
Put on your big girl pants and call your family and say that you are not doing Christmas presents this year.
Then get your husband to call his family and do the same
Do not get yourself stressed or in debt about something which is supposed to be fun.
survivalmode · 29/10/2018 13:37
In suggesting the 'no unnecessary gifts' thing I am effectively telling them that their gifts are crap and I don't want them. Which is true of course, but I wouldn't say that to their faces!
I honestly don't know how to approach it. They don't get PND at all, they think I have a LOVELY time at home with my kids because I have chosen to be a SAHM. (They also don't accept that autistic DS would be impossible to put into any kind of daycare setting, despite my receiving DLA for him, and Carers Allowance for me). So they think I have plenty of time to choose/organise gifts. And I did. Last year. But now I have a small baby too and I'm drowning.
Sorry, didn't mean to drip feed on this. Back to the issue. I don't want their stuff. I'm going to have to tell them aren't I? By text? How the feck do I word this?
(DH is crap and doesn't do remembering birthdays/Christmas, and he's not going to change so it's essentially pointless bringing up his role in this, his family are difficult for him emotionally so he often opts out)
survivalmode · 29/10/2018 13:41
An example of an unthoughtful gift btw is a Penhaligon's shower gel... for men. For me. Their crap presents tend to be high end.
halcyondays · 29/10/2018 13:43
Maybe they just aren't really Christmas Present People. Lots of people don't buy for adult relatives or else give token gifts.
survivalmode · 29/10/2018 13:44
No they ARE. They insist on buying gifts. And expect us to reciprocate.
RiverTam · 29/10/2018 13:44
these people are your DH's family so personally I wouldn't spend a second thinking about this. Though equally I wouldn't be bothered by a men's shower gel, it's just a different smell and it's Penhaligon's, FFS.
'doesn't do remembering birthdays' - stop babying this man child. Can't stand men like this or those who facilitate their uselessness.
survivalmode · 29/10/2018 13:46
Last year we asked them not to buy gifts for me and DH. They told us to 'try and stop them'. So then the pressure was on us to reciprocate. In their version of this I'm just being difficult for not wanting to participate in the joyous ritual of present exchanging. Maybe I am difficult. I just don't want the hassle of it all. Not this year.
survivalmode · 29/10/2018 13:47
It was one of their much more masculine fragrances, @RiverTam
5foot5 · 29/10/2018 13:50
DH is crap and doesn't do remembering birthdays/Christmas, and he's not going to change so it's essentially pointless bringing up his role in this
'Tis not.
Lay the law down and insist. His family, his responsibility. What did he do before you two got together? He is only crap at it because you let him get away with it.
Just give him warning, like now, that you will not be sorting the presents for his family this year and HE will have to do it or it will not get done. Then leave him to it. If it doesn't happen make sure the blame falls where it should.
cupofteaandcake · 29/10/2018 13:51
The thing is OP you are the one putting yourself under pressure here when you don't need to. There are 2 very clear options - firstly you don't buy them anything or secondly your DH does it. You've said yourself that he 'opts out', why oh why are you 'opting in'? I have never bought cards and presents for DP's family, in fact I don't even know when their birthdays are. He has never bothered to send them anything, that's up to him. Incidentally they don't send to him/us either.
survivalmode · 29/10/2018 13:52
If I get DH to organise this then absolutely nothing will happen. He won't tell them and they'll give us gifts. And they'd get nothing. The blame would fall with me no matter how much I protested or set them straight! I am the SAHM. I have plenty of time do these things. That's just how they see it.
survivalmode · 29/10/2018 13:54
As an example, his DSis suggested I keep a pocket book where I logged all my spending so that he could keep track of how I was spending our money.
BarbaraofSevillle · 29/10/2018 13:55
You're not BU at all. What is unreasonable is that them buying you presents then makes you feel the need to buy them presents.
You've told them that you don't want to exchange gifts, so don't. If they still buy for you say 'thank you but I said we weren't exchanging presents any more' and leave it at that. They might even get the message eventually.
RiverTam · 29/10/2018 13:55
so? It's not your problem, you just say 'your son didn't bother' and don't shift from that.
BarbaraofSevillle · 29/10/2018 13:56
Well they clearly see things in different ways to you and the rest of the sane world so why are you trying to go along with their madness?
Havaina · 29/10/2018 13:59
Can you send them a text from DH's phone signed off by him so they know the desire to stop doing presents is coming from him not you?
Limensoda · 29/10/2018 14:06
No they ARE. They insist on buying gifts. And expect us to reciprocate
Well you can't stop trembling for you but you CAN insist that you won't be reciprocating.
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