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Original poster

Have to give a colleague a warning today

52 replies

turquoiseysparkles · 29/10/2018 06:35

I have to give a colleague a warning today relating to her conduct.

She’s been away for a week and I didn’t want to ruin her holiday.

I hate doing this - what’s the kindest way, do you think? I want her to be inspired to do better in future, not angry or resentful.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 29/10/2018 07:18

"Stop being so ‘nice’. Just be fair and professional. This is your job."

Please don't stop being nice.
Getting a warning at work is really upsetting. There's no need to make it worse for everyone.

fluffiphlox · 29/10/2018 07:19

Please don’t go down the ‘tease it out of her with gentle questioning’ route. Be calm, direct and describe her behaviour using verbs rather than adjectives. What she DOES not what she IS. And describe the effect of that behaviour. Don’t raise your voice. Calm, assertive, professional.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/10/2018 07:21

"Follow all this up in writing and make sure a copy is added to her personnel files."

If you're going to make it formal, you need to make sure you're following the right procedures. If it's a disciplinary she needs to have prior warning of that and has the right to bring someone in with her. (I was just told they wanted a word and then it was sprung on me, which they later admitted is against the law).

BiologyMatters · 29/10/2018 07:21

Are you a bit afraid of her?

If you're in a position to be telling her off it suggests you're above her in the hierarchy. So I wouldn't worry about being too nicey nicey. The reason she rides roughshod over you and everyone else is because you let her.

Loopytiles · 29/10/2018 07:21

There’s no such thing as a “verbal warning”. It’s a conversation. If it’s serious enough to warrant consideration of disciplinary action the issues and requirements of her in future should be recorded in writing and shared with her.

Original poster
turquoiseysparkles · 29/10/2018 07:24

I’m not afraid of her but I don’t want her subsequently causing trouble by (say) complaining about me to my own manager.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 29/10/2018 07:24

And the disciplinary policies of your organisation followed.

Eg if she does things in future that make disciplinary action appropriate and you want past issues taken into account, you’ll need written evidence that she was given clear feedback etc.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/10/2018 07:25

"There’s no such thing as a “verbal warning”. It’s a conversation. If it’s serious enough to warrant consideration of disciplinary action the issues and requirements of her in future should be recorded in writing and shared with her."

There is such a thing as a verbal warning in places where I've worked. They're actually written warnings not just oral in that something will go on your file. This means you have to follow a disciplinary procedure.
OP hasn't mentioned anything about notice given of the disciplinary so I'm presuming this is going to be informal.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/10/2018 07:26

"you're above her in the hierarchy. So I wouldn't worry about being too nicey nicey."

So, if it's an underling there's no need to be nice. I would argue the opposite: when you have power over someone is when you should be nice.
A horrible experience now could colour her view of the world of work and of authority for years to come so make it something not completely negative.

AjasLipstick · 29/10/2018 07:27

I would make sure someone else was present if I were you OP.

Original poster
turquoiseysparkles · 29/10/2018 07:28

Sometimes though gwen you can be above someone in the hierarchy of an organisation but they can have connections that mean they have a status awarded to them. If the cleaner was married to the director of the company, say.

OP posts:
sunshineroo · 29/10/2018 07:31

Are you worried about her telling your line manager about the conversation? If so, question yourself why.

Surely your line manager would support you in raising a behavioural or competency issue with a member of your staff (assume you are her line manager, and not just senior to her).

If you think they wouldn't support you, either because you are not her line manager or you are trying to stop a behaviour that they are encouraging then don't have the conversation without first talking to your line manager and getting support.

Original poster
turquoiseysparkles · 29/10/2018 07:33

In theory yes. In practice he’s a bit nicey nice.

OP posts:
Fruitbatdancer · 29/10/2018 07:34

Are you my boss?!? If so do it gently, I kinda know what you mean, but will vehemently deny it, then go for a cry in the toilets, feign a migraine, go home early and have a word with myself, then come back tomorrow brand new.
That sound ok?

ChickenDinnerChecky · 29/10/2018 07:44

Not much help at this point but you need a book called Fierce Conversations. I haven’t read it yet but you need to tell her you are going to speak for a minute and you just want her to listen. Then explain the issue, then let her speak. There’s loads more to it but I can’t remember it!!

Gwenhwyfar · 29/10/2018 07:44

"If the cleaner was married to the director of the company, say."

That particular situation is quite unlikely, but if the person is well connected you do have to be careful.

TakeMeToKernow · 29/10/2018 07:45

Have HR given you guidance...?

Two people at my work have been given genuine and gentle “you need to improve this” chats. Their solicitors have been in touch. And they haven’t improved.

SouthWestmom · 29/10/2018 07:47

I'd be careful here op, who has decided you have to give her a warning? It's a formal process (esp after two years employment) and you should be investigating first if this is going on a file?

WipsGlitter · 29/10/2018 07:48

I know what you mean. I have someone who reports to me but acts (and in certain ways is treated as) my equal. It's very hard.

I'd write down some bullet points
This is what's wrong
This is the impact
This is what has to change
This is how / when we will review
Stiff gin

thecatsthecats · 29/10/2018 07:50

Is her arguing likely to end up with the same behaviour that she's being warned about? I.e. "assertiveness" to the point of domineering, bullying behaviour?

Just because I've had an informal chat with the man I manage recently about that. He's behaved this way for years, but I haven't been his manager. He's been better the last few months, but recently flared up and he directed the same behaviour at me (he's always liked me a lot before, and I'm his manager now also).

At the informal point, I told him very frankly how his behaviour made me feel, and how it was doubtlessly other staff even though they weren't able to say it (his previous, male manager).

It wouldn't be everyone's approach - people don't like to admit losing face - but part of the reason he was acting out was that it was his way of showing his frustration and trying to get things done his way. By pointing out to him that behaving like that to me and others is the LAST thing that will get him anything but closer to an aneurysm, he has shown very good improvement. He's been asking my help with communicating more effectively, and even been pulling up his work cronies (who had started to copy his behaviour).

Yes, do the policy stuff people mention, but I think there's real value in being honest about the effect of this behaviour on other people.

FreshlyBakedRolls · 29/10/2018 08:05

This probably sounds cheesy - but it's true:

Make sure you criticise the behaviour not the person.

When you've got those two things completely and genuinely separated in your own mind first, the conversation isn't particularly difficult.

I'm not sure I'd use it as an occasion to dump a pile of minor issues on them. If stuff was not dealt with at the time, it's best not to bring it up later - that time has passed.

HuckfromScandal · 29/10/2018 08:19

Please go to HR for guidance,
As a union official, I think that would be best,
And then handle it officially.

If the behaviours continue and you have not handled it correctly at this point, it makes the future dispcplinary actions more complicated and difficult.
I know that you are trying to handle this diplomatically and tactically, but going in with hr guidance and support (not necessarily in the room) will
1- make this easier
2 - let her know subconsciously that this is serious
3 - mean that anything subsequent has an intial marker set down.

If you had said that this was a one off, I would give you different advice, but you are already seeing a pattern of behaviours that you deem to be out with the company’s code, so deal with it professionally.

Poodles1980 · 29/10/2018 08:26

Do not what some people suggest here which is a feed back sandwich, where you give good feedback then wedge in the bad and then give more good. It takes the focus off what you need to achieve.
Hi x we need to discuss the incident and how this is not to happen again
Do not apologize for giving the feed back and set up a meeting for two weeks or a weeks time to revisit.

If they get upset or kick off, end the meeting by suggesting you speak again when they are calm

skunkatanka · 29/10/2018 09:39

Totally agree re avoiding the shit sandwich approach. You run the risk of the good bits being the only bit heard! Ask her how she thinks it's going, then say, "there is something I need to raise with you". Agree targets for improvement and set a timescale for review. Minute the whole meeting. If you fear her going over your head to complain, talk to your line manager first and get them on board with what you're going to say/do.

echt · 29/10/2018 10:00

Don't ask her how she thinks it's going. If she thinks it's all fine and you produce the real agenda then she'll feel patronised. Open with the problem.

How are you calling this meeting? If someone called me to an agenda less meetingI would 1. Ask what the meeting was about 2. Go and listen, then say put it in writing and leave.

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