Is my partner being selfish?

[Llainey]

AIBU?
I'm almost full term with our first baby. Had a fairly horrible pregnancy which meant I cut work down to part time so money is a little tight but I wouldn't say we struggle.

It just feels like DH has money to treat himself to football games, few beers after work, lunches out and new clothes (all of which he's entitled to!) but when I suggest a "date night" before baby arrives I get the "we haven't a lot of money" spiel.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like maybe if he gave the biweekly lunch out with his work mates a miss we could manage at least a night at the cinema?!

There's been multiple get togethers with my friends I've sacrificed because I haven't a lot of money & instead I'll have a friend pop round the house and cook.

He's a great person, will be an amazing dad and we do love each other... I just feel my life is being put on hold and he's not making it any easier!

My favourite band are playing in February, I can certainly only afford one ticket...actually contemplating buying myself a ticket and going alone because I'm so fed up of asking him to do things with me only for him to say no but see him still go to a football game!

Have you had many open and frank talks about money and future finances yet? I think it's important to get things out in the open and understand each other's expectations before the baby arrives and a new raft of imbalances arrive on the scene

We have a budget here so this doesn't happen. Everyone gets 'pocket money' for things like football, beer and electronics that aren't 'needs'. Saves on people seeing their spends as needs and the other person's as wants.

Does he see his money as his? Because this isn't good when there's a baby in the mix. Are either of you taking a significant amount of time off after the baby is born?

If he’s doing this now, he’ll continue to do it after the baby is born. He absolutely needs to know that while you are working part time and are ‘struggling’ ALL major purchases must be agreed by both of you. It’s not fair for you to scrimp while he lives like a king. That’s not what families do.

He has a much higher paying job than I do, even if I was back full time. He pays majority of the big bills (mortgage, gas & electric etc.) my wage goes towards weekly shop and smaller bills (phone contracts, water bill etc.) I also pay my own car insurance and car finance, he owns his car outright so wouldn't have that expense. So we help one another out on different ways.

I guess I just have next to nothing left at the end of the month, whereas he would have a lot more disposable income. He just prefers to spend all of that disposable income on himself as opposed to doing things together. People keep saying "make the most of your time together now it will all change when the baby is here" but in reality we aren't doing anything together other than sitting in.

When I was full time, I felt I could call on date nights because I could buy a few rounds of drinks if he bought dinner. Now I feel bad asking for even a cinema trip because realistically he would have to pay for the majority.

You're married, though. And having a baby. Doesn't being a family mean sharing? Pooling money so everyone has the same standard of living?

I couldn't eat lobster while my DH ate soup. Your DH seems to be able to. And you seem to think that's OK on some level. I wouldn't be giving up my job.

It sounds like an unfair arrangement and money is the outward display of his inward views. He sounds quite selfish and I would imagine when the baby is born this behaviour may only increase ' . If you are taking maternity leave be careful you do not end up being the main carer day and night while he continues life like nothing has happened.

I understand you think he is a great person and will be good Dad but would such a 'great' person really treat their pregnant wife like this if he valued her?

Sorry to be blunt but he sounds really selfish and not supportive of you 

He’s not a great person.
He’s a financially abusive dick.

How will you share expenses while you're on maternity leave?

He sounds a bit of a twat from what you're saying...

If you’re married and having a baby it’s really time to stop having your money and his money, and start having family money. Otherwise what’s going to happen when you’re on mat leave?

But his "disposable income" is shared family money. You should either have access to it, or have an agreement between you what is done with that money. Some of it could be put in savings, and you both should have the same standard of living. You shouldn't be left scrimping and worrying about money when he has it to spare.

This needs to be sorted urgently before the baby arrives as it will continue and get worse otherwise.

He's a great person

Your bars set very very very low.
Even ants are struggling to limbo under neath it.

He is being selfish. Where is the togetherness here . You might be the one pregnant on less money but that should not matter. You are in this together and he doesnt have the right to spend 'his money ' on him and refuse to take you out now and again . Bit controlling of him you are vulnerable. You need to talk to him.

I would say now is the time for all income to go into one account. All bills paid from that account. All expenses related to childcare, food for all three etc from that account. Then you either split what’s left equally or both get the same amount of fun fund into your own account

You've cut down your hours because you're not well. You're not well because you're creating yours and his baby. Surely you realise it shouldn't be entirely your financial loss?? He should be bloody taking you out more not less.

Who will be paying for the baby’s expenses (and there are more than you even realise)? If it is you (so he can still have “his” money), then things will be even worse for you financially.

With a baby, I feel you absolutely need to pool all money as family money to pay FAMILY expenses. That includes all bills - mortgage/rent, utilities, cars, food, etc - and then the remainder divided between savings, equal money for both for spending, etc.

You are a partnership, you shouldn’t be needing to scrimp and do without with your partner able to swan off and spend whatever he wants. That isn’t fair, it isn’t right and the resentment will build to breaking point. Please sort it before you are trying to do all you are now AND pay for childcare, baby necessities, etc.

He's a financially abusive, selfish prick. For him to indulge himself and deny you equal privileges is disgusting. Apparently you being his wife and mother of his child doesn't mean much to him. I've been married a looong time, and my husband has never once even insinuated that "his" money isn't mine. We are full and equal partners in everything. I'd be wary if I were you.

So selfish of him.

You need to sit down (ideally with an independent person like a counsellor) and discuss how to manage your money.

In my view all money should be joint when married. Especially especially especially if you have children. It is bloody nonsense each paying various things and having different amounts of 'disposable' income.

As a starting point, in a partnership, each person should have equal access to money and leisure time. If you put that to him, would he agree? Or argue that he should have more of each than you?

Get this stuff sorted before the baby is born. This isn't just about a 'date night'. You're about to become very vulnerable and this guy needs to realise you're a team before that happens.

Why does he have extra spending money while you are struggling, that's ridiculous! Your married, you should be equal. My husband earns twice what I earn, but we pool our incomes and each get same spending money. I've recently been on unpaid maternity leave, never once was there any mention of his money or my spending of it. How will you pay for baby stuff when the baby gets here, everything split in two? Seems mental to me, if I buy something for baby, I stick it on the joint account and job done, no discussions or repayments required.

He’s selfish at best or financially abusive at worst. In either case, unless you can raise this explicitly with him and he agrees to fully share his earnings from now on then sadly he’s not a great guy and you cannot rely on him.

If you’re not married then returning to work FT after maternity leave is the only sensible thing to do anyway.

Why did you go part time rather than take sick leave? In the UK there is legal protection for sick leave taken in pregnancy.

As bad as this situation is right now there is a high chance that it will get a whole lot worse once the baby arrives. The longer you allow this to continue the more his selfishness will become engrained and he will think he is entitled to ring fence his money to spend on himself. When nappies, clothes and food need to be bought for the baby will he accept that this is his expense too? What about childcare costs? I think you're setting a dangerous precedent at the moment that will be very difficult to change.

I would sit down with him ASAP and tell him that the current financial model is unfair and isn't working for you as a family. He needs to share his earnings and there needs to be a more even distribution of funds and the costs associated with the baby. Tell him that you cutting down your working hours is one such cost and therefore he needs to start contributing properly now. If he refuses to do this then I would seriously be considering what this indicates both about what the future will hold and his attitude towards you and your shared baby. Ultimately for him it's a matter or priorities and whether he is prepared to put the family before himself.

You can't pay for a date night yourself because you have cut down your hours because you are growing a baby that is his as much as yours.

I am on unpaid maternity leave, I need a winter coat (my pre-baby ones don't zip up), I told my DH and he asked why I was asking him and not just buying one! We have a shared pot, a shared house, a shared baby. At the moment my contribution is not financial but it's there in the time and effort I am putting into our child.

You need to discuss finances with him, why should you suffer financially while he continues as he normal?

Yanbu, but I suspect you know this. As others have said, it’s time for a conversation.

What's great about his choice to be a twat?

Have you pulled him up on it?
How will it work when you are on SMP?

I agree with PPs that he is selfish. You need to talk to him.

Here’s a practical suggestion:

What worked for us was to pay proportionally into a joint account for all bills, shopping, joint entertainment and joint savings. Eg if I earned 30K and my DP earned 20K he put 2/3 what I put in. Ie if monthly expenditure was £1500 per month I paid in £1200 and he paid £800. Worked well, was totally fair and we used it for a regular ‘going out’ budget. We also treated each other from our own pocket money.