Is my partner being selfish?

[Llainey]

AIBU?
I'm almost full term with our first baby. Had a fairly horrible pregnancy which meant I cut work down to part time so money is a little tight but I wouldn't say we struggle.

It just feels like DH has money to treat himself to football games, few beers after work, lunches out and new clothes (all of which he's entitled to!) but when I suggest a "date night" before baby arrives I get the "we haven't a lot of money" spiel.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like maybe if he gave the biweekly lunch out with his work mates a miss we could manage at least a night at the cinema?!

There's been multiple get togethers with my friends I've sacrificed because I haven't a lot of money & instead I'll have a friend pop round the house and cook.

He's a great person, will be an amazing dad and we do love each other... I just feel my life is being put on hold and he's not making it any easier!

My favourite band are playing in February, I can certainly only afford one ticket...actually contemplating buying myself a ticket and going alone because I'm so fed up of asking him to do things with me only for him to say no but see him still go to a football game!

Sorry maths first thing in the morning not my strong point, if monthly budget was £1500 I paid £1k and he paid £500.

Once you decide to have a child with someone it has to all become family money. All costs associated with the house and raising the child are family costs.

This is how so many women end up getting screwed over.

You need to work out what your costs are house, bills, childcare, basic clothes, haircuts etc then both your earnings need to go into a joint account to cover it.

If anything left over them decide how to spend it, saving, holidays, big purchase etc

Have this conversation now. Don’t wait until you are sleep deprived with a new born

He is either being selfish and knows he is a greedy fucker. Or he is a lovely man and hasn’t realised the error he is making. Explain your predicament to him and he should say bloody hell I didn’t realise, let’s make sure you have as much spending money as me, I’m so sorry. If this is not his response he isn’t great.

Dh is a sahd and has access to all money and bank accounts. Most of the savings are in his name for tax reasons. He and the children are not second class citizens because I earn more (and will earn vastly more even when dh is ft).

Oh and household expenditure like food clothing baby stuff, is very variable and you often spend far more than you think you do.

You need to sit down with 6 months bank statements and devise a plan. Sadly his attitude to this may show you exactly who he is. Be that a good person or a selfish one - listen and watch very carefully.

I’d discuss free time now too, for when baby is born. If not you will be on call 24/7 where I’m tired and cannot possible do a night waking but can eat out 2x a week, visit football 1 x a week and the pub after continued his life as if nothing has changed!

He's being financially abusive. It will only get worse when the baby comes.

At best he is being very thoughtless and at worse he is a selfish greedy man with no thought to you.

If you do not address this now it will get worse when you have had the baby as your maternity pay will be even less that you are on now, and that’s not allowing for the cost of childcare if you go back to work.

his money is your money and vice versa

Just want to echo what everyone else is saying really, this isn’t right at all. You are married and having a baby, his funds should be available to you as family money. As soon as I went on mat leave I started using our joint account for day to day expenses even though I don’t put any money into it. It alls comes from my husbands income and a bit of child benefit. Never has he acted like it’s his money more than mine and he has never commented on a penny I’ve spent on myself.

Whatever you do, do not go into debt to fund your mat leave or jack in FT work to become financially dependent on this arse. He is not a great man or a lovely dad. He's a selfish prick.

Hi OP

In my view, now you're having a baby you're a family. Families pool resources and share the benefits. As long as everyone is pulling their weight whether this is doing more around the house or working equally hard (or what you can manage at the time due to health etc) even though you earn different amounts then you should all get equal benefits.

This means equal or similar money to spend on yourself for hobbies or treats.

I'm sorry but someone who goes out a few times a week while his struggling pregnant wife sits at home because she's too broke to do anything, and who doesn't want to spend any quality time together...doesn't sound like a great guy at all

What are you going to do while on maternity leave? I really hope you've spoken about it and will share all the money in a joint account as it might be a struggle otherwise.

I hope he has been buying stuff for the baby as well

You really need to speak to him asap

He's a great person, will be an amazing dad and we do love each other

What does he do to demonstrate this?

He's a great person, will be an amazing dad
He doesn't sound too great at the moment.
Talk to him OP & tell him what you have told us.

We all know you should talk to him that this isnt right and doesnt bode well for the future but you are heavily pregnant and vulnerable . Please share these issues with a friend or family member so they can support you at a local level.

Where’s the great person bit?

And sorry to kick you when you’re down, but saying he’ll be a great dad is a mix of hope and fantasy. You don’t know that, and based on the evidence so far, he won’t be.

You need to sort out fair finances NOW, before you’re tired with a newborn.