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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is no right way to explain why she hasnt got a daddy and to hate him for it

26 replies

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 28/10/2018 19:24

I have a three year old and a 2 year old. Split withe extremely abusive ex when youngest was 10 weeks. Finished family court proceedings jan this year with a no contact court order..

This week my three year old got upset abd asked me why she hasn't got a daddy. Nothing I can say is right, there is no way to explain what he is without hurting my little girl, there is no way to hide what he has done or she will blame me for the rest of her life.

I hate this and I hate him for doing this to us.

Aibu to just not know where to go from here?

OP posts:
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 28/10/2018 19:29

I've no idea how you'd handle this well, OP, but others here will be able to offer advice. I just wanted to send a hand hold and tell you that you are incredible for getting away from your abusive Ex and raising those DC on your own. Flowers

NoArmaniNoPunani · 28/10/2018 19:32

My situation is not the same as my DH died. I was advised that the least traumatic way to explain is to keep things simple but honest. I think the same advice would apply in your situation.

Whyyounoeatmypie · 28/10/2018 19:33

First of all, well done for getting out and for keeping your children safe. That is huge.

My mum told me I had a dad, but he didn't live here because he had been unkind to us. She let me be sad and angry, and just held my feelings around it really amd told me more and more age appropriate bits as I got older - it wasn't ever oe rxplanation, more an ongoing process of me coming to understand it Must have been so hard for her, but I never ever blamed or hated her, and always (especially with age) saw that he had chosen to do what he did and that was on him.

Sending love. You got this.

redwineandcrisps · 28/10/2018 19:33

Oh love, I’ve been there. My Ds dad sees him once a month, but they don’t have much of a relationship and Ds (6) is a bit confused by it to be honest.

I’m very matter of fact and try and emphasise the positives / fill the gaps. My standard response is “well, all families have different people in them. Ours has you, me and the cat. I do the mummy AND daddy jobs in this house so we don’t need anyone else, don’t worry”

Or something like that. It’s hard, it’s heartbreaking, but you can lead them through this, they are young enough to accept what you tell them. One day at a time eh lovely?

Whyyounoeatmypie · 28/10/2018 19:34

*one explanation

Singlenotsingle · 28/10/2018 19:34

My little boy didn't have a daddy. He went AWOL when ds was 18 months old and we never heard from the bastard ever again. DS never mentioned it though. We managed quite well without him. I don't know what to suggest in your situation though. Maybe you'll find her a new daddy one day, but do be careful.

ElspethTascioni · 28/10/2018 19:34

You tell the truth in terms she can understand? Something like “you have got a daddy, but he wasn’t very kind so we don’t see him anymore” as she gets older, you can explain a bit more in ways she can understand. You can make it clear it words she can understand that it’s not her fault/anything she’s done, but some people are just sad/bad and don’t make good choices about how they treat other people

ElspethTascioni · 28/10/2018 19:35

Cross post with why

Ta1kinpeace · 28/10/2018 19:37

"You have a daddy but he needs time away from us till you are bigger. I love you heaps, lets go do a jigsaw"

I am now good friends with my Dad and it took me MANY years to understand why my Mum had to move so far away from him.

Starlight345 · 28/10/2018 19:37

My Ds hasn’t seen his dad since he was 3.

I think tell the children the minimum to satisfy them but it must always be honest and built on if necessary.

All families are different at this age may well be enough

MrsStrowman · 28/10/2018 19:38

It's important to be honest, DH grew up thinking his biological dad didn't know he existed, it caused a lot of resentment towards his mum and her family and a lot of upset and anger for him getting her been deprived of a chance to have a relationship with him. When we first got together it all came to a head, his mum had made some comments to me due to the nature of my job that made me wonder if that was the whole story, but I didn't get involved. It turns out his bio dad was an abuser and DH was actually born in a refuge, his violent dad did know he existed but wasn't interested. His mum had tried to protect him from that and blame herself but in the long run it would've been better for him to know from the start. Just keep it simple at this age. You can get some good advice from women's aid or local children's centres about how to handle those questions.

SpicedGingerTea · 28/10/2018 19:38

“well, all families have different people in them. Ours has you, me and the cat. I do the mummy AND daddy jobs in this house so we don’t need anyone else, don’t worry”

I say this too! Smile

Abusive ExH cleared off when I was pregnant, never seen or enquired about DS who is 5 1/2. He has made a new life for himself and has a child with OW. Myself and DS have been 'erased'.

I realise as DS gets older I'm going to have to navigate my way through this a bit more, but I agree with a PP it's probably best done as a gradual thing over time, with more age appropriate information when they're ready. At the moment DS accepts he hasn't got a Dad, but I realise he'll need more details in the next few years.

mediumbrownmug · 28/10/2018 19:39

Nothing to add, but wanted to say that I have no idea how you've managed so well for so long. Whatever you end up telling them, you sound like a wonderful and loving mother. Flowers

UpstartCrow · 28/10/2018 19:40

'Everyone has a Daddy, but not all Daddies live with their children'.

Ta1kinpeece · 28/10/2018 19:41

PS the less lies the better
miss stuff out but do not mislead

SlackerMum1 · 28/10/2018 19:41

I’d echo the same advice as above - keep it simple but honest. My eldest nephew lost his mum in very difficult circumstances as a very young child - consulted a child psychologist and the advice we were given was essentially ‘neither push nor withhold’. Give an honest, age appropriate answer to the questions they ask. But don’t ‘push’ information and offer up more than they asked for unless it’s an important for context.

Original poster
Bugsymalonemumof2 · 28/10/2018 19:48

She caught me out massively the first time she asked so i just said "daddy wasnt kind to us so he had to go away" before distracting her and now she keeps asking me "am I being kind?". Im scared I have accidently made her worry she will be sent away :(

I hear so much conflicting advice between hide the truth and tell them the truth.

He was awful, he has a conviction for assault/threats to kill and then in family court admitted a further 46 serious incidents of harm towards me, dd and our newborn son. I feel like yes we are safe but there will always be damage rippling through my family because of him.

OP posts:
Ta1kinpeece · 28/10/2018 19:52

"Daddy was unhappy with us. He needs to be happy that we are being happy - look, Peppa Pig"

You are getting solid advice on here. And you are clearly FAR stronger than you realise

MaruMaru · 28/10/2018 19:53

You don't have to tell the whole truth right away. And I wouldn't sit them down to have "A Conversation" either. Although you should keep it simple, you don't need to be too direct or blunt .
I think the indirect approach of initially talking about different family types is best- and actually hanging out with different family types.
They are both very young and you will probably have to revisit the subject many times as their understanding grows and you can tell them a little more as they grow up.
I had to break my DC's hearts aged 9 and 4 by telling them their daddy had drunk himself to death. I understand how much you want to protect them from pain.

sirmione16 · 28/10/2018 19:55

At that age, I told my goddaughter (complicated story here but never known her dad) that some people have just a mummy, some have just a daddy, some have 2 mummy's, some have 2 daddy's and some have one mummy and one daddy. I told her that she has one mummy and that's okay, and that she has lots of other people who love her too (then go on and give her a list, and encourage her to think of people in her life too) and that should be enough to satisfy.

I think the conversation for why daddy isn't around is too grown up for a 3 year old to grasp unfortunately. She won't accept reasons really, she's just wanting to acknowledge him not being there if that makes sense? But your wording when she does want to understand is totally valid, and I believe children should be told that some people unfortunately make more bad choices than others. And it's not nice to have people who make lots of bad choices around as they can make other people sad.

Best wishes x

longwayoff · 28/10/2018 20:04

I feel for you bugsy, you're a great mum to consider explaining in a careful way, so easy to not do so. I've nothing helpful to add but the older I get, the more I loathe these reckless, damaged fathers who mindlessly scatter children randomly with neither thought nor care for them and their futures. I hope things improve for you both.

category12 · 28/10/2018 20:11

Having said that much about Daddy being unkind, I think you need to explain a bit further.

"You do have a daddy, but he hurt mummy and you, so the court said he can't see us any more."

ReanimatedSGB · 28/10/2018 20:16

Also, 'Some people are not very good at being parents. So it's better not to spend time with them.' What you want to avoid is her getting any idea that it's something she did, or ( for an older child) any ideas that she's inherited the shitbag's 'badness'.

YearOfYouRemember · 28/10/2018 20:26

So glad you got away from him.

user1488141614 · 28/10/2018 20:31

There's a podcast available on the BBC radio website at the moment about adoption and it follows the adoption of 2 young children. It's really emotional but lovely to listen to. Their social worker talks to the children about how mummy and daddy couldn't keep them safe and so a judge had to decide that they couldn't see mummy and daddy any more and found them a new family. Maybe the judge's decision can come later but I thought the language of not being able to keep them safe might work? I always find I give far too much in terms of complicated answers and info to the tricky questions my children come up with so agree to keep it simple.