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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my 4yo win at board games

64 replies

Bubbinsmakesthree · 28/10/2018 09:22

4yo DS loves board games but hates losing (and will try to cheat to win).

What are you supposed to do as a parent? Let them win, turn a blind eye to cheating and have fun together or follow the rules and make the whole experience miserable for everyone?

OP posts:
PhilODox · 28/10/2018 09:25

YABU and doing them no favours whatsoever in the long run.
Everyone knows a 10yo that has never had to lose... and they're a nightmare.

Sexnotgender · 28/10/2018 09:25

Learning to lose is an important life skill, one that is sadly being lost!

I'd let him win sometimes but equally wouldn't tolerate cheating to win. A very simple calm, that's not how the game works if you want me to play with you then we play properly.

Follow it through. Calmly put the game away if he won't follow the rules.

Livinglavidal0ca · 28/10/2018 09:26

I'm 1 of 6 siblings, the two youngest are 5 and 7 and love board games, not ashamed to say at 21 I don't care whether they're little they're still my siblings and I'm not going to let them win. The 5 year old always beats me at labrynth but when they lose we all laugh and they do occasionally get upset and I say you can't always be a winner in life Grin my mum tells us not to be mean but she agrees, they can't always win!

TattooUndo · 28/10/2018 09:26

I think kids need to learn how to loose. It's a difficult lesson but you don't want to end up with a 15 year old who throws a tantrum because his football team lost. It's best to teach them when they are young.

Playing quite quick board/card games are best for this. They win, they win, they loose you tell them to get over it , they win, they loose again, they win. Rather than making them invest 40 minutes in a game of ludo which they loose and then end up feeling sad about for the rest of the day.

PhilODox · 28/10/2018 09:26

I don't advocate trouncing them, btw, but play games based purely on chance so that children have as much likelihood of winning as the adults do. Orchard games are good- e.g. spotty dogs, ladybirds etc

Lovethetimeyouhave · 28/10/2018 09:26

Nope. Don't let them win. Ds is 7 and he's still learning to lose with dignity, if we hadn't have started young then he'd be a nightmare now...

ZeroFuchsGiven · 28/10/2018 09:29

Kids who have always been allowed to win by their parents are the worst kind of kids imo. They grow up with an entitled attitude, not a nice trait.

Wearywithteens · 28/10/2018 09:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Wolfiefan · 28/10/2018 09:30

Agree with Phil.
Don’t allow cheating.
Don’t aim to thrash them!
I would happily throw a game if we had played a while and they had lost a few times in a row.
But they need to learn to lose. Otherwise what happens when they play a game with other children?

PrincessWire · 28/10/2018 09:30

My ex used to let DD win, which caused minor ructions when she played with me and didn't always win but caused major ructions when they once played a game with his niece and he told DD she should let her cousin win because cousin is younger.

Learning to lose gracefully is a major life lesson.

angelopal · 28/10/2018 09:32

I sometimes let me 4 year old win but she needs to learn how to loose. If she gets stroppy about loosing I tell her nobody wins all the time and I won't play if she carries on like that.

ChoudeBruxelles · 28/10/2018 09:32

I’d let them win sometimes (if they’re not winning anyway). No one likes to lose all of the time.

IncomingCannonFire · 28/10/2018 09:35

My 4yo is the same. Proper tantrum if he loses. We had a chat with him about good sportsmanship. The next day he kindly offered to 'let' his little brother win a race. I don't think he got it.

dontknowwhattodo80 · 28/10/2018 09:35

Please don't let them cheat! DS2 has a friend who regularly comes and plays at our house. They like playing board games together and she's a terrible cheater -will insist on being banker as " DS is rubbish at maths" Hmm- and always ends up with more money than she should. The sad thing is that DS doesn't care, he doesn't have a competitive bone in his body so she gets away with it.

I'm now savvy to it and have started sitting with them and she is a terrible sulker if it doesn't go her way! Her mum and dad acknowledge that she's renowned for cheating in games but they let her always win, which I don't think is doing her any favours! Sad

Tattandthis · 28/10/2018 09:36

At 4 I wouldn't actively try to beat him at the games. I would probably lose.

But as they get older I adjust that.

Beamur · 28/10/2018 09:37

Pick your games well too. If you do ones based on chance rather than skill, everyone has the same chance to win. Or games where it's fun to 'lose' like Jenga.
I can recommend one called 'orchard' where you spin a wheel and win by filling a basket with fruit. It has cute little plastic fruit in it which kids like, there is also an aspect of the game where you complete a puzzle. So, even if you don't win, you still enjoy the collecting.
Leave skill and strategy games a few years.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 28/10/2018 09:40

I do a bit of both. I let my DS lose so I can help him learn what sort of behaviour is appropriate in that situation. Then I let him win so it’s still fun. If we play a skill-based game like chess I’ll let him win because he doesn’t know enough to actually beat me, but it’s still a fun learning activity for him.

FermatsTheorem · 28/10/2018 09:44

I think the "learning to lose gracefully" lesson is one best learned in games against peers (football, school sports day, even party games), not against adults. I used to "throw" games to make sure DS won maybe three quarters of the time at that age, because it's not kind to kids to keep winning at stuff just because you're an adult and better than them (Harry Enfield's "competitive dad", anyone?).

I didn't let him cheat, though, and I did make sure he knew that he had to take the losses along with the wins in games against his peers.

(One of the problems we had with chess when he started playing was that I'm nowhere near good enough as a chess player to throw a game convincingly - fortunately he's now progressed to the stage where he is better than me!)

Original poster
Bubbinsmakesthree · 28/10/2018 09:45

I do normally try to enforce the rules, though I prefer games where I can easily 'throw' the result so DS wins more often than he should. Shopping List game a favourite - nice easy rules that are easy to follow/enforce and you can easily throw a game whilst still following the rules (mummy has a terrible memory! Wink ).

We were playing a new game yesterday which has a terrible combination of convoluted rules which are hard for a 4yo to follow, lots of 'losses' along the way (opponents have to steal each other's pieces to win) and play controlled by a spinner that lends itself to lots of 'I didn't spin it properly!' complaints. It was a miserable half hour!

I think the answer is pick your game carefully!

OP posts:
bonbonours · 28/10/2018 09:49

Definitely don't allow cheating, learning to play by the rules is important and cheating will make them very unpopular with other kids. I wouldn't always let them win but if they were being particularly unlucky I would fudge it a bit to help them (without them knowing) and if it's a skill thing obviously I wouldn't try too hard to beat them.

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 28/10/2018 09:50

I'd say you're making a mistake. My niece is 11 and throws the biggest strop ever if she loses a game.

This is because she has always been allowed to win. My DD (11) played dominoes with her when they were 7 and DD won. DN pushed DD off the chair and was really nasty to her. My brother and SIL did nothing!

minivampsmakebloodwork · 28/10/2018 09:51

We do both. Losing board games in a family situation helps teach them resilience in life situations that they cannot control.

It's ok for the adults to throw their game once in a while so everyone experiences the euphoria of winning - eg choosing uno cards that really won't help you out at all, not buying the one street in monopoly which would help you complete a set and earn more money.

But that's not going to happen in real life and by teaching them this young, you can help set them up for managing disappointment when things don't go their way, you can teach them how to control the competitive spirit and need to always win. You can help them develop their sense of achievement for a game played and won by fair means.

And absolutely no cheating to win is tolerated.

BelfastSmile · 28/10/2018 09:54

OP, have you come across "cooperative" board games? We recently discovered them and love them! Basically, all players work together to defeat the game.

You can get some for younger children- there's one called something like "Race to the Treasure" which I think is for age 5+. They're good because you win or lose as a team, and during the game you discuss strategy and work together, so there's a lot of opportunity to chat.

If you search "cooperative board games" you'll find examples.

MummaMinnie · 28/10/2018 09:54

We used to do both too - I don't think it's good if they either always win or always lose so we'd find a balance where DD sometimes won.

minivampsmakebloodwork · 28/10/2018 09:55

It also sounds like the game you were playing might have been challenging for the age of your child.

Snakes and ladders is a brilliant game of chance.

Snap - you can pause a little longer to let a little one spot the match or choose to go in quick (I find its best played with a non-player laying the cards if your children are particularly competitive)

Shopping list is a great game but I'd throw less and less games to avoid a sense of entitlement. It won't look good at school when your child throws a strop because they 'always win at home'.