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AIBU?

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Original poster

To let my 4yo win at board games

64 replies

Bubbinsmakesthree · 28/10/2018 09:22

4yo DS loves board games but hates losing (and will try to cheat to win).

What are you supposed to do as a parent? Let them win, turn a blind eye to cheating and have fun together or follow the rules and make the whole experience miserable for everyone?

OP posts:
claraschu · 28/10/2018 09:57

My son loved Snakes and Ladders when he was 3. I couldn't be bothered to play with him often, so he used to play by himself, moving several markers around the board. One day I apologised for not playing with him more and he told me it was ok: he liked playing against himself "because then I can cheat".

I think short games, and lots of emphasis on the fun of the process of the game, not much talk of winning and losing, not much banter about who is good at things, plenty of laughter and excitement when anyone gets lucky- all of this helps, in my opinion.

minivampsmakebloodwork · 28/10/2018 09:57

And we also play in teams where the game might be a bit hard for the younger ones but our older ones understand the rules. Eg uno, monopoly, cluedo or creationary

Neolara · 28/10/2018 10:09

At 4 I used to let them win. Mostly they found it boring following the rules and the game would evolve to them making up new rules or turning it into an imaginative game. I agree that kids need to learn how to lose, but I think 4 is quite early and unless it is purely a game of chance, most 4 yos stand no chance of winning against a grown up. I also think letting them win is a good way to model being a good loser, which is the first step in them being a good loser.

All of my dcs reached a stage around age 6 when they would ask me if I was playing properly (ie playing to lose). I'd ask them what they wanted me to do - play properly or not? And then do what they wanted. They knew when I was indulging them or not. None of them have issues with losing. They are all remarkably good sports.

I'm not particularly competitive and don't care at all if I win or lose board games. I suspect this may have helped in role modelling being a good winner and loser. I have heard of and seen some shocking role modelling when parents can't bear to lose against their kids.

NotCitrus · 28/10/2018 10:12

Cooperation and engaging with the mechanics of the game and not cheating were best at that ages - Frustration with the fun dice popper, things that are fun to move round the board, matching pairs to post in Noahs Ark, etc. Any cheating and I'd refuse to play any more, but I'd also underplay so dcs won at least half the time (and often they'd be happy to come 'second' or 'third' and carry on playing with pieces after the end).

It's taken until age 10 or so for mine to be happy to play a game and be outwitted rather than out-lucked.

MsDugong · 28/10/2018 10:52

I let mine win, when they are little. Not all the time but enough that they don't feel totally disheartened from losing.

When I let them win, it's an opportunity for me to model how behave when you lose. So I actually think it's pretty important. They see me lose, see how I react and then when they lose they have some idea of how to respond to how they feel. The same as a model winning behaviour, when I don't let them win 😁

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 28/10/2018 10:55

I go with the approach of not playing full out but not necessarily letting them win

Confusedbeetle · 28/10/2018 10:59

The game needs to be age appropriate. If its a game of skill, eg memory its ok to occasionally give a little help/guidance. But a child must learn how to lose and to lose gracefully. a life skill and a social skill. Psychologically failing to achieve something and learning to strive for the next effort is something we fail to teach our children. Too much super praise sets you up for some mighty disappointments in the adult world

Justgivemesomepeace · 28/10/2018 11:02

I wish I'd taught my dd to lose. She was horrible playing board games when little and the Wii got sent to her dad's after 4 days as she was so awful if she lost. She cheated and stropped. I just refused to play with her. She now is 15. She hasn't got the entitled attitude that people are talking about here but she will not ever put herself in a situation where she might lose. She was an amazing swimmer but wouldn't race in case she lost. She refused to trial for county netball in case she didn't get on. She really couldn't handle loosing netball matches. She still plays but is foul if they lose and really doesn't enjoy it. I don't know how long she'll play for as she can't bear to lose. Its a life skill that so important. She's missed out on a lot of opportunities already because if her fear of failure. I'm doing it completely differently with my second child.

woollyheart · 28/10/2018 11:10

What will happen when DS plays with other children. They also expect a fair chance at winning. You are doing him no favours if you indulge him because nobody else will play with him if he is a cheat.

I agree with others - a lot of short games of chance will give him practice at losing gracefully. I have an unfortunate competitive streak that sometimes kicks in but my DGC aged 3 can easily deal with it although she is famed for her tantrums normally.

Aragog · 28/10/2018 11:10

At school we often have the odd small intervention group to tackle this. I work in an infant school and by year 2 we need them to be able to win and lose nicely.

So if we identify children who have this issue, we have been known to take a group of 3 or 4 to play board games together - shirt ones where we can get through a handful of goes in a relatively short period of time. Usually chose a game where a lot of down to luck rather than I ate ability too. And we don't let them cheat and we don't fix the games.

Deadringer · 28/10/2018 11:12

My eldest is grown up now and is still so competitive it's unreal. We made the mistake of letting her win sometimes when she was little and have lived to regret it. Even now if we are playing board games at Xmas or whatever no one will play with her. The youngest is quite competitive too but rather than let her win we teach her as we play, pointing out possible mistakes etc if it's a game that depends on skill. If it's a game of chance like snakes and ladders no we don't let her win, it's not a good idea in the long run.

Aragog · 28/10/2018 11:13

We do quite like the Lego Shave a Sheep game as you have to 'steal' pieces from one another, etc as it really does test some of them to play fairly and with good grace. But we don't start with this. We build up gradually.

museumum · 28/10/2018 11:15

Definitely no cheating allowed with my five year old. And I don’t obviously throw games. I play games of chance properly, but with more strategic games like dominoes I play lazily (no thinking too far ahead).

BewareOfDragons · 28/10/2018 11:15

Good sportsmanship is disappearing from so many ... not a good thing.

They need to learn how to lose gracefully. Am personally rather sick of breaking up arguments, fights, squabble and sulking fits at school (where I work) because so many haven't been taught to be good sports when they don't win a game or competition.

Notso · 28/10/2018 11:25

Don’t allow cheating.
Don’t aim to thrash them!
I would happily throw a game if we had played a while and they had lost a few times in a row.
But they need to learn to lose. Otherwise what happens when they play a game with other children?

This. We have the rule that winner tidies up. Takes the shine off a bit!

TellMeItsNotTrue · 28/10/2018 11:48

100% no cheating allowed, whatever age

Start off with quick games and lose more than win, usually finishing playing after they have won a game, as their age increases and as they get used to playing games I intentionally lose less and less

Better that they get the tantrums out over losing with you when they are young, than with school friends at an age that they should be past tantrums

Nacknick · 28/10/2018 11:53

We had a cooperative board game but had to change the rules to make it competitive because it was sooooo dull.

My DS has never really minded losing as long as he wins some of the time. I can only think that this is because we played games properly from a very young age.

Loyaultemelie · 28/10/2018 12:05

Just wait until monopoly comes into play Halloween Grin that is banned in both the Loyaultie household and that of my DPs. Mine is due to a DH and Dd1 who are so competitive they try and outcheat each other. If they actually played properly they would win more. In DPs house it's because of my normally sane and lovely cousin who goes insane with monopoly.
I don't always let them win but don't really try too hard especially with dd2 (almost 4) but dh definitely tries to win so they are learning (with bad grace but getting better ) to lose. The cheating I'm working on (looking at you DH!)

Soubriquet · 28/10/2018 12:23

I mix it up

Sometimes I let dd win and other times I’ll play it properly and I usually win though sometimes she surprises me

She doesn’t like losing but she’s learning she can’t win every time and is starting to laugh it off and celebrate when I win too

SprogletsMum · 28/10/2018 12:27

Nope I always aim to win. As a result my dc are brilliant at games and are good at losing gracefully.
My 3 year old usually absolutely thrashes us all at uno.

bubbles108 · 28/10/2018 12:28

I made sure that my (then) 3 year old lost sometimes - by fixing it so she did. Tantrums followed but eventually she understood

CoodleMoodle · 28/10/2018 12:42

Watching with interest.

My 4yo is a nightmare with losing games! Although not all the time - sometimes she's fine with not winning, sometimes she cries. It's worse if she loses by a lot... Every time she cries/strops/"It's not faaaaiiirrr"s, I stop playing and tell her that's the end of it for now. I've tried a few approaches but nothing seems to help long term.

We never let her win, but we sometimes give her extra hints ("I wouldn't put your naught there DD", "have you tried turning that card over") or relax the rules slightly (like turning the AI off in Mario Kart!). She loves playing any and all games but it's a gamble whether she'll get upset or not.

JellyBears · 28/10/2018 12:48

I never let them win! They need to learn we can’t win at everything.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 28/10/2018 12:53

I’d let him win sometimes if it’s a game you’d always win if you tried otherwise he’ll lose interest.
My 2 kids were both sore losers at that age but very gracious now. I used to have a little prize for whoever was a good winner or a gracious loser (just a little sweet or something). If anyone was a bad loser or a bad winner (overly gloating) they didn’t get the sweet. I think this took the focus off winning being the only goal.
They also do co-operative board games as well where you work together and either all win or all lose which can be food for little ones.

Soubriquet · 28/10/2018 12:55

I do think it’s important to teach them to lose

Dd had her sports day in June and I know if I hadn’t taught her how to lose she would have cried when she didn’t win.

But because I cheered her on and still gave her loads of amazing fuss and promised stickers even if she didn’t win, she was fine with not coming first.

Also helped with a costume competition she entered a few weeks ago.

She didn’t win, but because she got sweets, she was still happy

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