Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The one who got away?

26 replies

Chocolatebanana1 · 28/10/2018 07:28

8 years ago I got dumped, by a boyfriend of 3 years, probably my first love. I was young but positively devastated. Fast forward to now, I have 1 beautiful daughter & another baby on the way! I have a good life with a lovely partner. BUT I still have very real pain about this ex sometimes, he has a young son & daughter now (we're fb friends but don't communicate) Although I would never ever act on it, I do still miss him all these years later. Do you have a 'one that got away?!' Do you ever really 100% get over your first love even when you're married/years later? Or am I just weird & abnormal?!

OP posts:
SputnikBear · 28/10/2018 07:39

From personal experience, it’s like a bereavement. With time it recedes into the background. You don’t get over it so much as stop thinking about it all the time.

lauryloo · 28/10/2018 07:49

There was a guy where the timing was never right for us both. We were friends and there were definitely feelings on both sides.

He died a few years ago in his early thirties and I still feel sad when I think about him

funinthesun18 · 28/10/2018 07:59

I have one. It was bad timing and we both lived in different towns. It took me about 3 years to accept he wasn’t meant to be.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2018 08:10

If he got away he wasn't the one. Delete him from Facebook immediately and get on with your life. Looking at his profile is doing nothing but fueling this fantasy of yours that there could have been a happily ever after. It's silly and such a waste of your time and energy to keep internally ruminating over something that's done and over.

Furrydogmum · 28/10/2018 08:13

What aqua said is 100% right. Can you imagine the flaying a bloke would get if he posted the reverse of yours?
For the sake of your kids you need to delete and stop picking the scab as it were.

KC225 · 28/10/2018 08:15

Someone once told me you don't always marry the love of your life, for some people the love of your life isn't the one to marry but it doesn't mean you can't be happy.

ILoveGraveGhoul · 28/10/2018 08:21

My first love. We were together seven years and had a young volatile relationship. It later came about that he had cheated on me repeatedly over the years. I know he has a girlfriend, he's possible married with kids now as it's been 5 years. I cried and cried when I found out he had a girlfriend. Anything else would send me west, so I live in blissful ignorance. Although I broke up with him and hate what he done and don't want to be with him. I miss him and love him in a weird way.

Darkstar4855 · 28/10/2018 09:02

Agree with PPs who say stop looking at his facebook - block him if necessary. Your pain is there because you keep thinking about him and seeing photos.

To put it bluntly he’s not the one who got away, he’s the one who didn’t want you. You are not missing him, you are missing a fantasy of what your life might have been with him. It’s hard to let go of but it will only make you unhappy in the long run, sorry.

Aprilsinparis · 28/10/2018 16:18

If the man I knew about eight years ago, had made his feelings for me a little more obvious, I wouldn't be in the shit situation I am in now.

codenameduchess · 28/10/2018 16:31

I totally get it, first loves are intense.

My first love (well, first most things!) was a shit, he was awful... but I was young and loved him so much forgave his crap for years until I just couldn't anymore. He popped up on and off for a few years and I got sucked in 3 more times before I made a clean break. We're not in any kind of contact now and I'm married with a kid but sometimes I do still look at his Facebook profile to see what he's up to. We have a mutual friend of sorts and she occasionally mentions he's asked about me and it makes me smile to know he still thinks about me even if I'd never, ever open that door again!

In your case though op, maybe unfriend and block is the answer.

HildaZelda · 28/10/2018 16:42

He was called David and it was nearly twenty years ago. I don't think about him that often, but he comes into my head sometimes and I wonder what he's doing now? Sad

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 28/10/2018 16:47

I do think it's possible to have more than one 'love of your life'. I think I have had 3 (one of them I was never even in a relationship with, nor had any 'relations' with-faith and families and circumstance meant it was just too complicated!) but the one I absolutely can't live without is my Husband so that's lucky!

Racecardriver · 28/10/2018 16:51

This happened to someone I know. She was deeply in love with a young man who her family didn’t approve of. He tried to convince her to go away with him but she married someone her family liked instead. She got divorced and he became a spy.

itsbritneybiatches · 28/10/2018 16:57

@Racecardriver

That sounds like it would make a good film

Racecardriver · 28/10/2018 17:00

@itsbritneybiatches it probably would. I should also add that they were both really good looking (I’ve seen photos of him at the time). It would make a really great albeit sad film.

bestofme21 · 28/10/2018 17:13

*@HildaZelda *
was called David and it was nearly twenty years ago. I don't think about him that often, but he comes into my head sometimes and I wonder what he's doing now?

Wow! Are you me?? 

Shockers · 28/10/2018 17:18

I was with David 26 years ago. He was a beautiful chap, but deceit lay beneath that chiselled jaw.

SuperstarDJ · 28/10/2018 17:22

If you don’t communicate I would delete him from your FB. It doesn’t sound like it is doing you any benefit by having this glimpse into his life.

Kemer2018 · 28/10/2018 17:23

Yes. Sean. We split 22 years ago.

RatUnholyRolyPoly · 28/10/2018 17:42

For me it was a Tom. I didn't treat him very well, but even if I had it wouldn't have made any difference, we were both too young and only just starting to explore who we were. There was no bad blood between us, we both understood we were only at the start of our journeys. I reckon he will have turned out well, and is like to think I did too. I sometimes wonder what might have been of we'd met at a later time in our lives...

medusa83 · 28/10/2018 17:47

I've had this - unrequited love is one of the most painful experiences I've ever had.

It's sounds silly, but just talking to him was the most exhilarating experience. I still replay some of our conversations from time to time. They have left an indelible mark on my soul.

We got together, then I finished it (stupidly) as I was afraid that it would go wrong and I'd not be able to cope with the pain. Very immature, and I did it in a way that still makes me cringe (text - yes I am a cow).

I never got over him, and 5 years after, when I was next single we got together again. For one night. Then he finished it (I don't blame him, I obviously didn't have a good track record).

The resulting pain was devastating. I cried every day for 2 years and although I did my best to stay away from him and respect his decision, I'd search his social media accounts looking for "clues" that he might still like me. How pathetic.

Logically I knew that if he wanted to be with me he could just phone me. But emotionally I really struggled to come to terms with it. I very embarrassingly got drunk a few times and liked his Tweets/phoned him but hung up when he answered. So I didn't even manage to retain any dignity whatsoever! He is probably very pleased that "I was the one that got away."

Anyway, fast forward to today, I'm very happily married and have no idea what he is doing with his life.

I feel very sorry for any Mumsnetters who are currently going through this. My advice: stay away from social media!

NewGirl1990 · 28/10/2018 18:29

I am currently going through a similar dilemma right now. I had a boyfriend when I was 17 and we were more friends than anything, it ended semi-badly, young kid stuff and trying to hurt one another and once we’d broken we returned to being friends, always have had an amazing connection and friendship with that will they/won’t they vibe and have been there for each other through bad times and breakups. Fast forward to now, 12 years later and he tells me three days ago he loves me always has and thinks that now we’re older and more stable we should give things another go. It’s that risk of saying no and in another 10 years thinking oh well that would have been amazing and he would have been the one that got away or accepting that maybe when you look back at old relationships OP you do so with rose tinted glasses and a the grass is always greener mentality. If you have a nice happy life now and no longer speak to this man then remove all trace of him from your social media and embrace and cherish the life you do have.

CurcubitaPepo · 28/10/2018 18:35

I won’t say his name but it’s 27 years ago.

He was a lovely man but he wasn’t in a position to give me what I wanted and needed. Took me a long time to see that though. I adored him with every fibre of my being.

He ended it. We’d been together for almost a year. Was devastated for a long time but met dh the following year. Been together for 25 years. And he is wonderful.

I still think of him sometimes.

HildaZelda · 28/10/2018 20:43

@bestofme21, I hope it wasn't the same David!

Fiveexclamationmarks · 28/10/2018 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread