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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little annoyed?

31 replies

SofaKingFedUp · 28/10/2018 07:08

I have a younger brother, he's 23.
He's quite selfish, always has been since we were kids but whatever.
We've both got a child under 1 years old and I thought this would bring us closer together, as we're not very close, but it hasn't.
He's not really interested in my daughter, doesn't come to see her regularly and when he is around her he'll just play with her for 5 mins then he's playing on his phone again.
If I don't make enough of a fuss over my nephew though, he'd have something to say about it. I try to go to their house when I can but it's quite far away and I don't drive. He and his girlfriend both drive.i have helped them both alot over the past few years, mainly with money, which he still owes me. If he does me a favour I will pay him for it (he's very money orientated)
I asked for my money back that he promised he would pay me back before Christmas last year, every month it's a different excuse but he promises to give it.
I got a new phone the other week and was going to sell my old one, he asked if he could buy it and I said no cos he wouldn't give me the money. He then begged me and promised me he would go and got my mum to ask me too so I gave in. He's supposed to pay me at the end of this month. Doubt I'll get it though.
Last night I asked him if he could take me to a shop with his car to pick up something ordered online as it was a little big, I could go myself but it would be difficult to carry onto a bus while pushing a pram. I told him that I needed to pick it up either today or tomorrow and he said yeh ok. I asked when can he take me then, he replied with "I don't know I need to make sure I don't have any plans first"
AIBU to he annoyed at that reply?
Surely if he had plans he would know about them as it was last night I asked, not weeks in advance? He's not working because that's the first question I asked.
It will take an hour maximum just to take me there and drop me back home.
I just feel that whenever I ask him for a favour he never wants to do it unless there's something in it for him. I don't ask him for favours very often and whenever I do it's usually just can you take me somewhere, but most of the time I just get a bus.
I dunno maybe I'm just a bit touchy at the moment.

OP posts:
Havaina · 28/10/2018 07:19

YANBU. He sounds like a selfish arse.

Stop lending or giving him money.

And do the same with your nephew, make a fuss of him for 5 minutes then concentrate on your DS.

Why does he think his son deserves more attention than yours?

And why is your mum enabling his behaviour?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2018 07:20

You know who your brother is. It will be to your benefit if you stop expecting him to miraculously become a decent, dependable person. It will never happen, and you should know this by now.

Havaina · 28/10/2018 07:20

*than your daughter, sorry.

costacoffeecup · 28/10/2018 07:29

Have you given him the phone before he paid for it? Why?

Put your foot down now.

WhiteDust · 28/10/2018 07:33

You're both adults now, keep a distance and leave him to complain about all day long.
Don't give favours and don't ask for favours.
He may be your brother but he's not behaving like one. He's a leech.

7yo7yo · 28/10/2018 07:35

Just because he’s your brother you owe him nothing. Get your phone back. Make a list of the money he owes you and give it to him his partner and your mum (it sounds like she interferes/intercedes).
Then just say no. If he asks why say because I don’t want to. It really is as simple as that.
Just think the money you could have had at Christmas.

Hidillyho · 28/10/2018 07:35

You just need to stop giving him money. You are enabling him. Why would you give a phone to someone who already owed you money before they had paid you? How much does he owe you? He really doesn’t add anything to your life and he has begun to treat your daughter the same way. I think it’s tims you left him to it. See if he makes contact with you/tries to see you, then you’ll see if he actually appreciates your relationship

redandbluehedgehogs · 28/10/2018 07:35

Sounds like he is just using you

NotANotMan · 28/10/2018 07:36

Stop doing things for him!

Original poster
SofaKingFedUp · 28/10/2018 07:37

I've tried not to give attention to my nephew but I always feel bad. Also my mum feels like she can't give my daughter much attention while my nephew is there because my brother tries to say she's favouring one over the other. Which isn't at all true. Also i guess she just wants an easy life so she goes along with anything. My brother has been difficult to deal with since he was about 9 years old.

Yes I know my brother, but as I have no other family near me other than my mum and other younger brother (he's 14) I would love to have a good relationship with him. I've always wanted to g3t along with my brother but I feel it's just never going to happen and it's upsetting, especially as he paints himself to be this great family orientated person...

Yes I gave him the phone before he paid as he said he didn't get money til the end of this month, I originally said no but then he got my mum to ask and I felt like I was being selfish saying no.

His excuse for not paying me my other money is that "I have savings so I'm not desperate for it"
I worked 2 jobs until 6 days before I gave birth to save money because I wasn't able to get maternity from my jobs, only the allowance from the government which isn't much, really. So the money saved is for things for my daughter if and when I need them and for Christmas etc.

OP posts:
seven201 · 28/10/2018 07:38

He's shit, but you're enabling the shit. If he wants to buy the phone he needs to pay you before you hand it over, that kind of thing.

Fridaydreamer · 28/10/2018 07:39

Seriously?!

You are enabling him.

Stop lending. Stop giving. Stop it all. You only have yourself to blame if you let him use you like you are doing.

seven201 · 28/10/2018 07:40

Draw up a repayment plan. £5 a week or whatever and don't loan him anything new. Tell him your savings are running low.

Original poster
SofaKingFedUp · 28/10/2018 07:43

@Hidillyho I used to work abroad, I would be away for 6 months at a time and he never used to text me first, unless surprise surprise it was to borrow money.
I know I look stupid and pathetic for wanting to try and have a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't care too much about me, but my mum also says she doesn't want us to be like her family and not speak to eachother.

I've stopped lending money, to be honest I've lost count of all the money he owes me, but he needs to pay me £350 That's for the phone and for money lent last year in October. But if I don't lend him the money then my mum get it's from him. And she's had to take out loans just to help him out and got herself into debt. So I also feel bad for her too

OP posts:
Nellyelora · 28/10/2018 07:46

You need to stop. You're probably going to have to write off what he owes you but in the future, when he asks for money, say no because you already owe me £x amount.

Don't tell him what you are doing. If you hadn't mentioned getting a new phone he wouldn't have known your old one is surplus to requirements.

If your mum intervenes remind her that she is her son so if anyone should help him it's her (I had to say this to my mum when she began moaning that I wouldn't lend my brother money, I told her if it was that urgent and 'he's good for it' that she should lend it).

Original poster
SofaKingFedUp · 28/10/2018 07:53

@Nellyelora I didn't actually tell him I got a new phone, i had both phones in my hand in the living room, I was using both for 14 days as I change companies and I wanted to be sure the coverage was good with the new company as I had heard mixed reviews. He noticed the 2 and that's when the pestering started.

I will say no from now. Even if my mum asks, I do feel bad for her but I'm just puttin myself out for someone who wouldn't do the same for me. He's still bot even replied to my message of when will you know when you can take me. Angry

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 28/10/2018 08:08

Stop pandering to your mum and brother and toughen up. Get your money back and never lend or give him anything.

Jellycatspyjamas · 28/10/2018 08:22

Your mum didnt “have” to take loans etc to support him - she chose to do that, and you’re choosing to support him never taking responsibility for himself. I get it, I’ve so been there - been the financially secure one that everyone turns to and have had siblings get pissy with me when I’ve refused to help anymore. The sooner you stop it, the sooner you’ll properly understand the nature of his relationship with you - you may want a good relationship with him but at the moment you’re buying his involvement in your life, is he honestly worth that?

What do you gain from your relationships with your family - and I mean actually gain, not what would you like it to be.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 28/10/2018 08:25

Why are you paying him to do you favours when he owes you money? Just tell him you'll deduct the payment from his debt.

Original poster
SofaKingFedUp · 28/10/2018 08:38

@Jellycatspyjamas I gain alot from my mum, she's very good with DD and also she is there for me emotionally if I ever need it. We do go out and do things together regularly. From my brother, thinking of it, I gain nothing
@DanielRicciardosSmile I pay him usually because that's the only way to get him to do anything. And sometimes I really need that favour. If I can do it myself I usually will

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 28/10/2018 10:02

When he says he needs to make sure he doesn’t have plans, he means he’s waiting to see if his mates invite him to the pub or wherever before he agrees in the absence of anything more interesting to do. It’s all on his terms.

What’s his partner like? Is she wise to his behaviour or does she encourage him?

Original poster
SofaKingFedUp · 28/10/2018 10:17

@CoughLaughFart yeah that's they way I interpreted it too.

His partner moans about him all the time, says he doesn't help out enough around the house or with their son, they are always arguing cos he does appreciate her. But then she's just as bad, she's also takes things from me and my mum but does nothing in return. She is also a shit stirrer, has caused problems between my brother and my mum before

OP posts:
Tahani · 28/10/2018 10:19

Get the phone back, tell him he can have back when he pays his debts and pay a for the phone

Stop pandering to him, he's an arse,

Original poster
SofaKingFedUp · 28/10/2018 10:24

Meant to say doesn't appreciate*

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/10/2018 10:42

I doubt you'll get the money back now. He is completely using you. I felt really angry on your behalf OP reading this! I can't believe he won't pay you the money back as 'you have savings', that's awful and shows he didn't have any intention of paying you back.

I think you need to just write off the old debt and focus on what you do going forward. From my perspective if the rest of your relationship was great I'd say fair enough, some people are awful with money but good in other ways...but at the moment your relationship is very unequal - he is disrespectful and petty and just using you for what you can get. He is manipulative as well, it's so odd to complain his mum is treating your daughter differently to the point where she is scared to interact with her in his presence. Unfortunately you can't buy someone's affection - he has shown you this over and over again and the more you give him, the more he thinks you can do without it and the more he thinks he's somehow entitled to it

I'm sorry but you can't force a relationship.

I'd do the following
Don't bow to pressure from your mum. It isn't your responsibility or business if she starts subsidising him. Agree not to talk about it if you both get upset
Don't lend him any money. He owes you hundreds of pounds. He will promise to pay it back quicker and ask for one more chance then probably turn nasty. But you need to stick to your guns.
Stop doing other favours for him unless it doesn't put you out. I think the relationship with his child is different and still pursue that as separate to him, if you want, and for your daughters sake so she knows her cousin
Lie if you need to, if it makes it easier. For example your savings are running low, you've had an unexpected bill this month, you'd done a deal to swap the phones so have to give it back etc. I don't think he has done anything to deserve the full truth. I know you don't have to justify or explain yourself, and no is a complete sentence etc but I appreciate this is hard

I think he will probably distance himself once he stops getting stuff from you. But you can't change someone or force them to change their behaviour unfortunately

You can use the money you would normally have given him (it's not a loan if you don't pay back) for the odd taxi