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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow DD to drink at home?

78 replies

bodysp · 28/10/2018 02:09

I'm really unsure here now. DH says he doesn't mind and actually prefers it as he says she knows she is safe. I'm not convinced really. DD bought vodka and in the past has got drunk at home, had the telly louder than we would like and although not causing too much trouble, I don't like it and actually would rather her be out. Who is BU?

OP posts:

FlyingMonkeys · 28/10/2018 14:39

Is there a reason why she'd rather drink at home? Does she have anxiety around socialising outside the house? Does she not have friends who go out drinking? I think I'd be asking her those questions vs a flat out no. If she likes the odd tipple occasionally without being on her back blind drunk then suggest headphones for the TV/music if the volume increases? I'd definitely be asking her the 'why's' though foremost.

Sparklesocks · 28/10/2018 15:08

OP why bother asking if you didn’t want answers which might contradict the answer you wanted?

pointythings · 28/10/2018 15:20

It depends. If you and your DH are teetotal then I'd be more understanding than if it was one rule for her, another for you. I would think you were being a bit pearl clutchy though, unless one of you had an alcohol problem. Also if she was drinking heavily alone, I'd also understand - but in that situation I would be talking about setting boundaries and either having her move out or having her address her alcohol issues.

And it's bollocks about it not being her house - it's the house where she grew up, it doesn't become suddenly not her house when she turned 18.

BitchQueen90 · 28/10/2018 15:29

You sound seriously uptight. She had the TV up a bit too loud? There are way worse things she could have done when drunk to be honest.

Tattandthis · 28/10/2018 15:31

18?!

My mum allowed me to drink from 14 at house parties. Bacardi breezers WKD and the likes.

It took the thrill out of it and from 18 I didn't drink a drop till 31.

I'll drink maybe 4 times a year now.

Ill be doing the same with my kids.

toriatoriatoria · 28/10/2018 15:31

She's 18, yes it's your house but she is an adult and it's her home too. Trying to enforce these sorts of rules may will end up pushing her away, which I doubt is what you're aiming for.

Munchyseeds · 28/10/2018 15:40

Sorry but I really don't understand why you are so against her having a drink at home??
What sort of drinking is she doing?.....is it just a few every So often or is it loads every night??

Shriekingbanshee · 28/10/2018 15:46

Tatt I have done the same, and its no guarantee ime, as one DC ended up in one of those thro the night sick shelters!??
Been to the point of committing on more occasions, but generally not that into drinking loads, certainly at more formal family things will drink very lightly, and around the home. We've all had a few drinks and got merry together as part of socials here, now I'm reading all the research evidence to the contrary, that any alchohol to a young liver is damaging, and abstinence still 18 has more chance of guaranteeing a lack of 'taste' for it and therefore problems later on. Theres a lot of peer pressure involved from others who do drink like fish I believe, all the mass shot buying and the like. It's now a major achievement it seems to get them through these teen years without killing themselves.
Personally, was also brought up with sensible drinking in the home, socially, with meals, or a couple of after dinner drinks. I'm not an alcoholic by any stretch but I've certainly been the worse for binge-drinking in the past. Anyone here not vomitted from excess alchohol?

Shriekingbanshee · 28/10/2018 15:48

Not 'committing'! Vomitting. How do these phone spelling decisions keep getting by me?! praps its the booze

Opheliasgoldenwine · 28/10/2018 15:52

Well you could ban it from your home but don't be surprised when she comes in at 4am completely wasted from having a night out.

Kit10 · 28/10/2018 15:56

I think that would be really odd tbh. What would you dislike about it? Unless you're a recovering alcoholic yourself I can't see why someone wouldn't "let" an adult drink in their home, it's hers too.

Sera22 · 28/10/2018 16:22

I think you'd be perfectly reasonable to ask her not to get roaring drunk at home, but pretty unreasonable to ask her not to consume alcohol on the premises at all - unless you have a major religious/moral objection to booze or one of you is a recovering alcoholic. Assuming this isn't an every night thing, it hardly sounds like the worst thing an 18 year old could do.

I feel you've got more of a right to ask her not to do something that disturbs you than to attempt to police what an adult puts in their own body - so maybe focus on the symptoms rather than the cause, ie. asking her not to have the TV on loud etc.

Technically, it's true that "your house, your rules" but you could use that to make all sorts of deeply unreasonable requests, and really, it's a bit harsh to say it's not her house too, at 18 (if she were 30 and still living there and not making a contribution, I'd be a bit less sympathetic). If you're happy with her living there, I don't think you should be imposing arbitrary rules without good reason. If you'd rather she moved out, you need to have that conversation head on.

cuntbridge · 28/10/2018 22:21

She's an adult. Seriously a get a life and let it go!

TeeBee · 28/10/2018 22:38

Great way to drive your daughter away in my opinion. But if that's your intention, crack on. Personally, if my adult offspring was living with me, I'd treat them as the adult they are.

Concerned09 · 28/10/2018 22:49

Perhaps there is a reason why OP does not wish her DD to drink alcohol at home. I know that I have a reason why I avoid my adult DC if they have been drinking. My DC has be violent with me and others too when involved with alcohol. I do not wish to be hit any more and I hope that no-one else is being hit. I can not be sure of safety.

FlyingMonkeys · 28/10/2018 22:58

@Concerned09 Did you read OP's post? Her Dd is 'not problematic other than the TV getting a bit loud'. That's hardly violent or antisocial behaviour. OP would rather she went out.. To a bar/club until 3am and didn't watch Emmerdale on volume 22 perhaps?

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 28/10/2018 23:04

I would not have a problem with it whatsoever nor would it even occur to me that the tele being loud WAS a problem

However my DH probably would.

But I would tell him to get a grip...and in your shoes, would he glad I had a daughter who was not drinking in a park to get away from over controlling parents / felt forced to move out so she could adult

FlyingMonkeys · 28/10/2018 23:07

@ComcernedO9 I'm in no way detracting from your child being violent whilst under the influence. No one should have to tolerate that. However, my Dd is not a 'drinker', however her and her friends have stumbled upon the 'posh miniatures/fancy mixers', and whilst they don't drink to get drunk. They do like to quaff the stuff everyone is talking about to say they've tried it too. They would rather lose a limb than be down a park getting hammered on cider (as it was in my day 😯).

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 28/10/2018 23:10

Vodka is a bit much to drink at any age regularly! IMHO.

It is your house and you can have a lot of influence. I’d talk to her, maybe say it’s okay to drink with friends over but no spirits? If she won’t have that, then talk to her about why she wants to drink spirits or in her own etc. I’d still care about a daughter living under my roof. It’s less banning but more care isn’t it?

Leontine · 29/10/2018 00:01

Can you not just tell her to turn the TV down?

Concerned09 · 29/10/2018 01:04

@FlyingMonkeys My DC did not turn violent the very first time they ever tasted alcohol. It was a situation which ramped up over a period of time. It started with being a pest and stupid then moaning about everything, then criticising my every deed and at the end it became violent. It was a build up. Would the DD have had too loud a tv without alcohol? Is that a starting point? Yes I am giving my life into the OP but believe me there is nothing more heart breaking than having your own DC change from an average kid into a violent drunk.

ChooChooBeanz · 29/10/2018 01:30

My parents are teetotal and drinking in their house is a big no-no.

When I was 18 I thought it was awful & unreasonable ...now I’m much older I think it would be completely disrespectful to go against their wishes.

In the long run I actually think it was a good thing as I very rarely drink now (maybe 2 or 3 times a year when I go out)

thighofrelief · 29/10/2018 01:44

I don't drink and really hate being around people who do, plus I hate the smell. So it's just a house rule here and the adult DC have to do it elsewhere and stay at friends if drunk. They're in their 20s.

FlyingMonkeys · 29/10/2018 02:23

@Corncerned09 I'm really sorry your situation ended up like that. But I didn't suggest it did after a one off event. Nor am I suggesting OP's child gets hammered every time to the point of oblivion. My Dd who likes to dabble occasionally in fancy spirits is by no means a drinker (she prefers to drive), and her partner is teetotal and has always been. OP could tell her 18yr old they can't; drink, have sex, eat chocolate. But it doesn't mean they won't.

FlyingMonkeys · 29/10/2018 02:28

@Concerned09 Are your children still living at home or residing with someone they abuse whilst under the influence? No one should live in fear and you should contact the police if they attack you or other people while they're drunk.

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