Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow DD to drink at home?

78 replies

bodysp · 28/10/2018 02:09

I'm really unsure here now. DH says he doesn't mind and actually prefers it as he says she knows she is safe. I'm not convinced really. DD bought vodka and in the past has got drunk at home, had the telly louder than we would like and although not causing too much trouble, I don't like it and actually would rather her be out. Who is BU?

OP posts:
Whocansay · 28/10/2018 12:37

From what you've said, it doesn't sounds like she getting drunk regularly or anything. I assume she mixes the vodka and isn't getting through a whole bottle of it in a sitting?

She's an adult. She's at home, she's safe. Going out is expensive. Unless she's actually affecting others in the house, I really can't see the issue. You sound a bit controlling, to be honest.

Miscible · 28/10/2018 12:42

If you don't let her drink at home, she'll go out to drink and/or drink secretly at home. Is that preferable? Personally, I'd go in for an adult discussion about recognising her limits wherever she drinks.

acivilcontract · 28/10/2018 12:44

You are starting to share your home with another adult which brings it's own complications with it. Providing she isn't doing anything anti social when drinking and I'm not sure having the volume of the too loud really counts then I'm not clear that it is your concern. You need to work out a new batch of house rules based on you all being adults but being respectful of each other.

GreyGardens88 · 28/10/2018 12:44

Why is everyone saying they would be concerned if she was drinking at home alone? The amount of wine these users probably throw down their throats every evening..

PrincessWire · 28/10/2018 12:45

If you and your DH never ever drink at home then YANBU. If you do then YABU.

BruegelTheElder · 28/10/2018 12:48

Like you said, it's up to you (and your husband), but given you're posting here, I assumed you wanted other people's opinions??

If it was me, and she was with friends and it wasn't a too regular thing, I'd be fine with it. I'd tell her to keep the noise down though, whether they're drinking or not, that's just common courtesy.

Agree with your DH that if she's gonna be getting drunk anywhere, I'd rather it was at home than anywhere else tbh. Much safer.

BruegelTheElder · 28/10/2018 12:49

Why is everyone saying they would be concerned if she was drinking at home alone? The amount of wine these users probably throw down their throats every evening

OP said she drank vodka and got drunk. I don't think it's comparable to having a glass of wine or a bottle of beer.

And an adult relative who gets drunk on wine at home on their own would concern mejust as much tbf.

VioletCharlotte · 28/10/2018 12:51

I think we need more information to decide if yabu or not. If she's regularly drinking large amounts of vodka alone to get drunk - yanbu and there's a problem there!

If she's having friends over for drinks or having a couple of vodkas in the evening while chilling out then yabvu!

SauvignonBlanche · 28/10/2018 12:53

People have missed the point. It is up to me what she does at home...

In you OP you said

I'm really unsure here now. and asked, Who is BU? someone has missed the point of AIBU and I think it’s you OP.

Shriekingbanshee · 28/10/2018 13:02

I, and others, have said, your house/your rules.

All those that say can't stop them because they're 18, would you do that in someone else house? I agree its dds home but these are the rules of her home.

Maybe a compromise would be to remove the get drunk super quick spirits from the house. Have times for drinking, and is she drinking alone; basically house rules, yes 2 glasses wine max or something.

I have just posted my change of mind on another thread of a dd who passed out and seemingly abandoned blacked out on a bathroom floor for an hour. Lots of tragedy due to drinking.
I think it's time to change attitudes to alchohol for our DCs well-being and their attitudes, never mind drugs, alchohol seems to be a gateway drug to everything!

ADastardlyThing · 28/10/2018 13:03

Are we talking a few beers or her wanting to get fully blown pissed on her own?

Does she pay any board?

Stillme1 · 28/10/2018 13:08

I don't understand the fixation that people seem to have that it is fine to drink alcohol at all and any time. I have seen a lot of damage done by people and alcohol so no I would not want someone drinking alcohol in my house. I am teetotal.

CaseStudyResearch · 28/10/2018 13:10

Not entirely sure why you’ve bothered asking OP, it’s pretty clear that you just want confirmation that you are right.

Tiredofit · 28/10/2018 13:11

DS1 is 23. He sometimes takes a bottle of beer or two up to his room after his dinner or, if his girlfriend is round, has spirits or weird cocktails. I don’t mind this but they set up a bar type optics thing with 4 bottles of spirits on it and he was told to remove it. No way is he drinking spirits alone in his bedroom or having that sort of set up in our house. He is generally very respectful of the house rules and can have his own house rules when he lives in his own house.

So YANBU. Your house your rules.

bumblebee39 · 28/10/2018 13:12

I think the general consensus is that drinking alone is a bigger issue than drinking with friends.

I don't think the occasional glass of beer or wine alone is necessarily a cause for concern in an otherwise functioning adult however there is a lot of middle class covert alcoholism in this country, ever present on MN which I mostly roll my eyes at because it would be seen as very different to polish off 2 or 3 cans of special brew on your tod but a bottle of red seems acceptable because it's middle class? Double standard...

Also social drinking and drinking alone are two very different things. People do them for different reasons and it is the reasons not the company that make the difference between whether someone is an alcoholic or not to some degree

I have met so many closet alcoholics and honestly it's concerning...
Drinking a bottle of vodka or wine alone is not normal behaviour sorry mumsnet...

worridmum · 28/10/2018 13:15

Its your DH home too can he ban yoi from drinking at home too? His house his rules right ?

RedSkyLastNight · 28/10/2018 13:39

How can you actually stop her drinking at home?
You can state that you'd prefer her not to (not actually sure what your reasons would be), but you can't physically stop her. Are you prepared to throw her out if she breaks this rule?

Hospitaldramafamily · 28/10/2018 13:49

Has the telly louder than we'd like Halloween Hmm 😂

A few social drinks with friends- or you - at home is fine in my opinion. Totally banning something can just make it more appealing. We had a very domineering, restrictive mother (also very focused on tv volumes) who was very anti-alcohol and it drove us the other way as late teens/young adults. That settled down as these things do but none of us have a great relationship with her now because she still sees us as extensions of her - to be controlled.

TheWiseWomansFear · 28/10/2018 14:00

Wow you sound very controlling. Is it not her home?

eloliphant · 28/10/2018 14:17

wow

she's 18 years old and you won't let her drink at home? yes, YABU. Shes having some drinks and watching the telly, the same as I'd have a bottle of wine infront of the TV at the weekend.

If she's getting hammered and falling about then it's understandable but watching the telly loudly? Really?

Thatstheendofmytether · 28/10/2018 14:20

Is she buying alcohol and sitting on her own getting drunk in the house? If she is then that's a bit concerning.

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2018 14:23

I'm curious, why is it uo to you? Why does your husband have no say? And she's an adult, other than the tv being up a bit loud what other impact does it have on you?

And how can you stop it? Will you search her room? Breathalyse her?

Personally to be honest I wouldn't like it if she was just sitting drinking on her own in her room, but I'm not sure I'd be saying it's my decision and I can stop it either.

I think I'd try to understand why she does it.

blueskiesandforests · 28/10/2018 14:24

People are missing the point? What is the point?

From your follow up post it appears to be that you can make up any arbitrary rules you want because its your house.

Is it your dh's house too?

He wants to let your 18 year old drink at home where he knows she's safe.

You want to forbid it.

Your point is that you can forbid it if you want.

That would depend upon whether it is solely your house or your DH also owns it?

Really though "the point" should be whether your 18 year old daughter is necking quantities of neat vodka alone in front of the TV every night (problem) or having a friend or a few friends around for a quiet night in with TV and a few vodka and tonics once per week or less - not a problem for most reasonable parents if she's not disturbing the household.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 28/10/2018 14:30

I think you are wrong to say “it’s up to me what she does at home”. Does that mean you would make her eat what she does not want? Stop her from having a bath when she wishes? Prevent her from watching a film you do not approve of? Your house is her home. And she is an adult. Obviously there are behaviours that you would be entitled to stop. But truly - a bit of alcohol here and there - yes you are being wholly unreasonable.

As you have identified yourself it’s not whether you can stop her it’s whether you should do so. And you have asked for views and the majority say you are unreasonable to try to do so.

CoughLaughFart · 28/10/2018 14:38

All those that say can't stop them because they're 18, would you do that in someone else house? I agree its dds home but these are the rules of her home.

No, I wouldn’t start drinking alcohol in someone else’s home if they hadn’t offered it to me. I also wouldn’t go and put the kettle on or help myself to food from the fridge. I wouldn’t use their washing machine or start vacuuming.

I’d expect to be able to do all these things in my own home, even if I didn’t own it.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread