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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how or why you are close to your family (if you are)

47 replies

Absofrigginlootly · 27/10/2018 17:03

I have 2 DC aged 4 and under so still in early days of parenting.

I am not close to my family (parents and DSis) mainly due to emotional abuse growing up.

DH is not close to his family due to emotional and physical abuse and neglect growing up.

We both try very hard to be conscious of ourselves and our parenting and not to repeat our parents mistakes.

I would love for my DC to get on as adults.

If you are close to your family/parents as adults now and close with your siblings why?? What do you think it was about the way you were brought up that led to this? Or do you think it was down to other factors?

Would love to hear your thoughts..... Smile

OP posts:
AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 27/10/2018 17:13

No i am not, due to mental health issue in one parent, the other along for the ride..and scapegoating between siblings.

one week one of us would be golden child, then the rest would be belted and sent to our room, at best, or at worst, put in care.

This created a lot of one upmanship and grassing up trying to win favour with parents...we didnt stick togehter, we were broke down into seperate units as such

all siblings also grew up with mental health issues, self harm etc and stay as far away from each other, and parents as posible

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/10/2018 17:17

Not at all, really.

Geographically I am hundreds of miles away from mine. for about 2 years DSis and I have been trying to reconnect - after decades of our thieving gobshite of a father having her in his thrall. But we have both acknowledged that the thought of having a closer interrelationship is much nicer than the reality. So we are back to occasional phone conversations.

DH is close geographically, about 10 miles. But his siblings chose to marginalise/ignore him. Until very recently when BILs life fell apart (wife left, job gone, renting small flat). He has made contact and has already asked for a lot of money. DH has been surprised how little connection he feels, and no, BIL didn't get any cash, so we suspect he will disappear again.

Pissedoffdotcom · 27/10/2018 17:20

I am. My mum is my best friend, quite literally, & altho me & my dad clash sometimes i know he is always there.

For us i think they gave us the chance to be who we were & guided without being controlling. I was allowed to kind of find my way especially as a teenager, knowing that they were always there but without them breathing down my neck. I have a lot of respect for them both for that.
We also - me & my mum - can talk about anything. Literally. It gets heated sometimes but i know i can ask her about anything that bothers me. My two brothers are the same. Sex, relationships, money, even cooking problems 😂

MatildaTheCat · 27/10/2018 17:21

I hated my two elder siblings when I was a child. They bullied and excluded me all the time. As adults we all get on very well indeed. We see each other as often as is practical taking into account our very spread out locations.

Twice in the last decade or so we’ve all been on huge family holidays together including all our dc and of course our parents. Last time we were 26 in total. Absolutely fantastic.

Yet as dc were really didn’t get on.

Dh’s family are pretty similar though no holidays together.

Original poster
Absofrigginlootly · 27/10/2018 17:22

Airy and curious sorry to hear about your difficult and abusive parents Sad
I hope you have both found some peace now as adults Flowers

But this wasn’t a thread about what not to do.... I’m curious to hear from people who had what I would consider “normal” upbringings and are now close to their families. I want to know how and why so I can think about applying these things to my own nuclear family

OP posts:
Original poster
Absofrigginlootly · 27/10/2018 17:23

matilda what do you think it was hatchnaged your sibling relationships from negative to positive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Absofrigginlootly · 27/10/2018 17:24

*changed

OP posts:
Shockers · 27/10/2018 17:30

I would say that comparing your children, or showing any favouritism at all will not foster great relationships between them.

Delight in their teamwork; praise their kindnesses toward one another; let them have their own silly in jokes, without getting irritated.

LaBelleSausage · 27/10/2018 17:33

I have two sisters and we are all so close to our parents - probably because they have always prioritised us and have always put our happiness first.

I honestly don’t think a situation exists where I wouldn’t have their love and support.

We weren’t spoiled as kids, we didn’t have everything we wanted, although we did have everything we needed, but they would absolutely drop everything to be there for us if needed.

They want to spend time with us and our families, have welcomed various partners without judgement (at the time anyway) and will always be there with small thoughtful gestures.
My mum’s mum was emotionally abusive so I think she learned a lot of what not to do from her.

hammeringinmyhead · 27/10/2018 17:33

It's a bit late for your situation but I think it's partly because I'm an only child so no elements of unfairness or competition. My mum and dad also guided without dictating and let me set my own academic goals. They both worked so we were comfortable financially which makes for a less stressful household. Finally I moved out at 19 for uni which put an end to the three years I clashed terribly with my mum - we are too similar so could press each others' buttons and she hated my then boyfriend (and struggled that at 17 she couldn't really have much input). We're really close now but I do live 200 miles away!

LaBelleSausage · 27/10/2018 17:35

Oh, and they have always treated us absolutely fairly to the penny.
If one child got something then we all had the equivalent. Not necessarily at the time bit an amount put into savings

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/10/2018 17:35

Sorry Abso I think I started with a positive in mind, but forgot when recounting the most recent BIL activity Smile

From my perspective, when we believed things were good, close and normal, we enjoyed spending time with each other. Equal time, quality time, time based on mutually enjoyable activities.

I enjoyed being supported in music and acting; DSis enjoyed being sported in activities with her friends. That was fine. I took more time, she took more cash, but we both got an equivalent amount of interest in our preferences.

Where it went wrong was when we were compared to each other. To boost DSis's faltering confidence DM told me that DSis was more hard working and clever whereas I was 'just lucky' in some things and shouldn't mention my successes so often. I doubt DM meant me to feel as bad as I did, but she didn't consider that her words, meant to support DSis going through some bullying, would hurt me as much (I too was bullied but was told to keep my chin up!!).

So I would suggest that no parent ever uses the success or failure or behaviour of one child as an example for another. And to really think that one through, no comparison, no matter how trite, how amusing it might seem at the time!

problembottom · 27/10/2018 17:36

I'm very close to my family, I have two DSis and one DBro. I think the key was my parents always treating us scrupulously fairly. I'd say my mum gets on best with one DSis because they're so similar, but they gave us all the same amount of love, attention and opportunity. Spending time together is always fun as my folks have a great sense of humour and my DSis are like my mates as well as my siblings. We all live ages away from each other (my folks and one DSis live abroad) but we see each other as much as we can, though there's no pressure to do so.

Blanchedupetitpois · 27/10/2018 17:36

My siblings and I are all each other’s best friends. I think it helps that we are quite close in age (5 years between the three of us) and that we were brought up to spend lots of time together and play together, then we went out together when we were older. We all get on really well with each other’s partners as well which is super helpful.

Plump82 · 27/10/2018 17:36

Im not particularly close to my mum as she doesnt "get" me but we do speak every day. Its a weird one with us. With my sister we're close as she has children who i absoloutley adore. I do a lot of tongue biting as i dont always agree with her because i know shes got it in her to keep the kids from seeing me as punishment

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 27/10/2018 17:37

But this wasn’t a thread about what not to do - ahh sorry x

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/10/2018 17:37

Ooh, lots of similar posts. We may have hit upon a cardinal rule Smile

MacosieAsunter · 27/10/2018 17:39

I had a 'normal' up bringing, parents (married to each other for over 40 years), older brother. Ditto with DH, perfectly normal family.

We actually like each other, that's the difference. Our extended family is very large, we all keep in touch, no matter how far across the world we are spread. I talk daily (ok so its FB) to the great grand child of my mother first cousin, but it's a real relationship, we do meet.

Back to the nuclear family you're talking about - we all - us, our siblings and partners, and both sets of parents got on. Didn't holiday together now that would be a step too far, but we saw each other daily, ran errands, phoned for chats. But we like each other.

Most of the vocalists on MN will tell you that is an abomination! You shouldn't apparently see you family without appointment Hmm booking a hotel Hmm, and only twice a year, and deffo never on Mothers Day or Christmas. You have to remember OP, this forum is populated largely by people who are in/the product of utterly dysfunctional relationships and actually have no idea what is normal

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/10/2018 17:44

I’m not close to my brother which makes me really sad but I have two wonderful parents who I see regularly.

My mum has been my best friend from the day I was born and although I used to clash with my dad we have both mellowed in our old age and I see how much he loves me in the things he does for me and we get on so much better.

There is nothing more I like to do than have a good meal and a chat with them.

I think it’s because they’ve always been stable and very much on the same side as each other. They have a great sense of humour and a stoic attitude to life which I try to channel although not very successfully.

So when I feel sad about my lack of closeness with my brother I tell myself that having parents that you enjoy hanging out with is quite unusual so on balance I’ve been lucky.

Zippytydoodar · 27/10/2018 17:46

I'm very close to one of my brothers and my sister. I think with my brother it's because we're so close in age so had a lot of the same friends growing up and played together a lot, I adore him, he's so lovely.
My sister is five years older than me so a bit of a mother hen as my mum worked a lot, had disastrousl relationships so my sister did a lot of the parenting. She's so lovely too and I adore her as well.
I dont really like my other brother, has always been a very selfish person. He self pitying (which I hate), ignorant, thinks the world owes him a living. He's like my 'dad' (he was never a dad to us) He's an excellent argument for nurture or nature considering my 'dad' didn't bring him up. I can't believe we're related sometimes he's so completely different to us three.
We're all close to my mum too, she's a much better mum now we're all grown up and would do anything for us all.

I am very lucky to have a lovely sister and brother who I adore though.

nowifi · 27/10/2018 17:54

I'm very close to my parents, they only live up the road. Like other posters have mentioned I had their unwavering support always and know they are always there. I'd be lost without them to be honest!

corythatwas · 27/10/2018 17:55

I am. Both parents still living, 3 brothers, spend time with them in the summer and at Christmas, and have long telephone conversation with my parents once a week (live in different countries). Dh was also very close to his parents (now both dead) and is fond of his brother though they don't meet that often.

For both of us, the closeness has been about having felt cherished in childhood, fun memories (not necessarily of expensive or "special" things, just little things we laugh about), being able to be light-hearted together, but at the same time knowing that in an emergency somebody would be there for you. And that was all built up in childhood. That feeling that someone has your back, and that someone enjoys having you around. Taking an interest in what your children have to say, what they are doing, what they are thinking, at the same time as not invading their privacy- I think that is something both dh and I got when we were little, and that we have tried to pass on.

And I think it works the same for the next generation. Our dd is now grown-up and has moved from home, but she will ring me when she needs a chat, we can always have a laugh together, she knows where we are, and I am hoping her brother (though currently spending all his time skulking in his bedroom or out with his friends) will feel the same.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 27/10/2018 17:56

I am to my mums family.

We just cared about each other growing up and took and interest in each other's lives.

My best memories though are Saturday nights in watching TV and just having fun together.

BruegelTheElder · 27/10/2018 17:57

As above, we felt loved as kids, we played together a lot, went on family holidays all together and had fun together. I guess I don't really know why we're close, but why wouldn't we be close?

shirleyschmidt · 27/10/2018 18:06

Yes. I think it's partly that my wider family and older generations have been close, and partly just that we all genuinely like one another and would choose to be in each other's company. We'd still happily go on a group holiday, spend Xmas together etc. We have similar values/opinions, and have shared experiences and lovely memories growing up. Obviously we can butt heads and row like anyone else, but are always very united in times of stress or worry. Sounds a bit cheese written down but it's true! I really hope my own DCs will be close to each other and DP and I when they're grown up.