To ask how or why you are close to your family (if you are)

[Absofrigginlootly]

I have 2 DC aged 4 and under so still in early days of parenting.

I am not close to my family (parents and DSis) mainly due to emotional abuse growing up.

DH is not close to his family due to emotional and physical abuse and neglect growing up.

We both try very hard to be conscious of ourselves and our parenting and not to repeat our parents mistakes.

I would love for my DC to get on as adults.

If you are close to your family/parents as adults now and close with your siblings why?? What do you think it was about the way you were brought up that led to this? Or do you think it was down to other factors?

Would love to hear your thoughts.....

My parents really love and respect each other and have been together for 50 years. I have one DBro who is about 2 years younger than me.
Our parents supported every life choice we made (even when they didn't agree with it) and are still always our greatest supporters. When we were young, they encouraged healthy friendships, welcoming anyone and everyone into our home and taught us that kindness was the most important characteristic to have.
We could talk to them about nearly anything. We also all laughed a lot! Humour is an underrated quality.
Don't get me wrong, we can still bitch and moan about each, but our entire extended family is always there for each other. DHs upbringing and family are very similar.
DBro and I are now in our late 30s. We work together and he is honestly my closest friend.
My DCs are not as close in age but they love each other and the older DC makes time for his sibling. Younger DC is happiest when they are together. I hope they are always this way.

We like each other’s company. We were given boundaries but our parents always explained, age appropriately, why. They taught us that our successes and failures are our responsibility and never took the glory for our success or act as if our failures are a personal slight on them.

They encouraged all of us to do the same activities when younger regardless of sex so there never was a brother v sister divide (which both of them had experienced). Essentially we were never in competition with each other and were nurtured as individuals and encouraged as a team.

My parents always, before anything, made sure we felt safe whether that was in a situation or a conversation.

And I’ve always had an amazing bond with my siblings, even though we went through phases of arguing. As adults, we lost our youngest sister and the one thing we’ve all learned going forward is that trivial arguments don’t matter. That doesn’t mean we don’t still disagree but really that’s still done with the sense of having each other’s backs.

Interestingly, both my parents are NC with siblings (a brother on both sides due to abuse) and I think they had learned a lot of what not to do.

Wow some amazing parents on here!! I always feel incredulous when I here about such unconditionally supportive and loving families.

I SO want to provide this for my children. I worry that without a “working model” to guide me I wont, but I just try to remember how I wished I had been treated or spoken to as a child and do that (ie do the opposite to my parents!)

Unfortunately the PILs are even worse and myself and DC are NC

I remember when I worked in HV and used to ask mums how they were coping and if they had lots of support..,, the mums that said “oh yes my own mother and MIL are so lovely and supportive” I used to just sit there and think “wow..,, what’s that like?!”

Very close to my family, in laws included. Italian on one side , Jewish on the other so no choice really haha
We are not all best mates all of the time but if you can't rely on your family then who can you rely on .

I often feel deeply that lack, that absence of a kind, supportive older and experienced mother figure to reassure and guide me through my own mothering journey

We had quite a difficult childhood (abusive father) and as a result are all extremely close as siblings and to our mother. She’s very strong and lays down the law about attending lunches so we get together often as a family and love it, but also see each other anyway several times a week. I see my mother nearly every day. I’m not sure it’s something you can make happen though - DH and his siblings aren’t close at all and it makes me sad, but their personalities are just very different, whereas I’m likeminded with mine.

I feel very fortunate to be close to my 3 DC and their partners. I see each of them at least once a week and we always get together for birthdays, special celebrations etc. They are in contact separately and care deeply for each other. It's not always plain sailing but we do all love each other and I'm very grateful for that.

Not close at all, sadly. Have never got in with my mother and due to some issues in the past couple of years, now feel she is a virtual stranger. Sister and I stay in touch via WhatsApp but never phone and see each other once a year for a couple of days . Brother is a recluse and never see or hear from him except a very occasional email. Father dead. I would love to have had a loving, supportive family. My children have missed out too.

My older sister is my best friend and I adore her. She has just had a baby too who I love like she is my own.

We were close growing up as kids. I think because my parents separated when we were very young (2 and 6) we had a special bond because we always had each other no matter what was going on with mum and dad. My mum actively encouraged our relationship from the start and involved my sister in everything from pregnancy to me arriving etc. My sister can remember being very excited to become an older sister. It’s a mantle that she hold very dear in her heart and has always been my champion.

We remained close growing up and I would say closer than every now we are both in our 30s. I think I am incredibly lucky to have such a special bond.

I might be barking completely up the wrong tree here, but I read an article about love languages the other day. I 'speak' a different love language to my parents, and I think this contributed to our relationship being less close - neither side were communicating effectively! Presumably a family who share a language will find this easier and be closer?

I should also add we are close to my mum too. She showered us with love but also had very strict boundaries and I think that built respect in our family which is hugely important to all of us. We are close as a three now which is lovely.

I am close to my family as is DH. My married sister and I both live within a few streets of eachother, my parents and grandparents.

DH's live more rurally but just a short drive.

I think the common theme for us has been growing up in an extended family. Getting together often, sometimes just for a cuppa or larger things such as barbecues. Always very informal, arranged a few days before sort of thing. As you get older you start to like them as people who you can have a laugh with, not just your family.

My sister and i weren't close as teenagers but got on better in our early 20s. Just the feeling of being able to be honest really. They already know youre a knobhead so you don't have to pretend . Our DHs also get on really well to so we socialise as a 4 quite often.

Having said that, we are not in eachother's pockets. Living close means you never have to bother with staying for a weekend etc. You can just bugger off home as soon as you've had enough of them. So visits are never a big, stressful deal which suits me.

I would not change it and i want my son to feel part of a big family too. I want him to feel as at home in his GPs houses as he does in our house.

Close knit with immediate family - parents are divorced but with long term partners, fortunately see them quite often. Have two siblings I see less frequently as they live further away but we we meet up when we can, and all chat on WhatsApp at least once a week.

I’m not as close to non immediate family - aunts, uncles, cousins etc - we only tend to meet at funerals or weddings.

I think that the security you get from knowing your parents would always have your back when needed gives you the model for how family works. Even though I live no where near any of my family we all know we are there for each other no matter what

I think you have asked some very good questions. The fact you asked them means you care so I’m sure your kids are very lucky to have you as parents. I think many things are important but a couple of things are essential. Language is key - positive language, calm tone etc - both in the way you speak to your hubby and the way you speak to your kids. You are their role model and they will copy you. Another is encourage good habits when they are young - such sharing with your sibling is a nice thing to do. Also, decide how you want them to be to each other (for example caring) and always give praise when they show these attributes. Write a list of words you would like to use to describe their behaviours and make sure you use these often with examples of why they have been that way ie I love it when you wait for your sibling at the park gate as it means you are looking out for each other. Good luck.

I takes - completely agree with you and I wish someone had given me that advice when I first had children. I have learned from some of my mistakes.

We all got treat equally as children, even when being disciplined if I remember correctly.
We had quite a difficult life with lots of complex issues and very poor. I think this was the glue that bonded us.
Although parents and step parents have had various issues, none of us ever followed in their footsteps down that road.
We knew what a shit life was like at times and we all wanted better. We also protected each other a lot, don't get me wrong we fought like most children but we were forgiving, kind to each other and what I think made us close more than anything was that we all chose to sleep in the one bedroom, laying awake at night chatting and laughing sometimes. Oooh I bloody love my brothers and sisters.

Also, mum allowed us to just be children. So what if there were toys all over the living room floor, so what if we wanted to eat Nutella sandwiches, so what if we dragged her linnen cupboard out n made base camps all over the bedrooms or pretend play weddings wrapped in her net curtains. I'm not saying it was all rosy, but we were definitely allowed to express who we were and we were allowed to make mistakes and get the house a complete mess from time to time

My parents have always been great and we're very close. My mum had a difficult childhood, with a mother who found it hard to express love, due to trauma she had been through, so I'm always impressed how my mum managed to come through without having a negative response to one extreme or the other (eg cold or smothering) as a mother herself.

My parents always made it clear by implication rather than demand, that they expected us to succeed, and, as we got older, that they trusted us, which I think was a big part of the 3 of us being quite 'easy' teenagers. We knew they trusted us, so we didn't want to betray that trust - not that we were angels, but as long as were happy, doing well at school, kept talking to them and let them know where we were, which we did, they didn't need to make an issue of things like how we dressed, if we dabbled in drugs etc

My brother, sister and I get on well, though we're not 'touchy feely' kind of close or confiding with one another. We all live near to one another, and my sister's son is the same age as mine. We never squabble in our family, we all basically work from the basis that whatever we do or say is with good intentions.

Thanks so much everyone, this is all very helpful.

I’d love to hear from someone who had a diifcult childhood/not close to their family who has raised DC to adulthood and are all close now.... how did you ensure you didn’t follow in your parents poor example?

I am close to my family, my mum and I coached when I was a teen and having very open conversations about how I'd felt back then and why I reacted to her in the way I did has been helpful, you have to be able to do it without accusation or blame though. My dad is my rock always has been, I've never known anyone more consistent and reliable we also share a sense of humour which helps. DB and I weren't especially close as teens, we have different interests but always been there for each other, eg he'd even come and get me from central London after is travelled back from uni to save me the train trip with cases, and despite disagreements I guess we were raised that families have each others backs and hello each other out (I'm always amazed by the threads I have DB a lift and he didn't contribute to petrol, it's just not how we work everyone helps everyone). DB and I disk multiple times a week now and see each other every week or two more we're both older and settled with spouses we have more in common, and he had been so excited about my pregnancy and becoming an uncle. I guess in a nutshell don't expect things to be perfect, disagree without feuding or grudges, be there for each other through thick and thin, of someone has hurt you talk about it with them without blame or accusation.