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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strange DIL

69 replies

Choccybisc · 27/10/2018 16:46

My MIL has 4 DIL including me, she gets along with us all apart from one.
This DIL trys to push herself onto mil, and gets upset when it gets her no where.
She came round when I was there the other day and i saw on her phone she was on the phone to her husband MILs son, but not talking so i said "hey sil your phone is on" and she said "i know i always have him on the phone when i come so he can hear I've tried AND he does the same when he comes round"
I haven't told MIL but should i? I'd want to know if my conversations were being recorded

OP posts:
Original poster
Choccybisc · 27/10/2018 19:48

She doesn't let her husband bring the kids round, hes a wet lettuce

OP posts:
LongWalkShortPlank · 27/10/2018 19:49

Clearly she has made an effort in the past and it has caused some sort of issue between dil and her husband to the point where she now feels like she has to have him on the phone so he can see she isn't the issue but his mum/family members are. He probably didn't believe her, or was told different by his mum. I actually feel quite bad for her if that's right and it's got to that point. Must feel terrible being single out.

diddl · 27/10/2018 19:52

Sorry, she's not the bio mother?

So where do BIL's kids live?

IamPickleRick · 27/10/2018 19:56

How true is his side of the story? She’s obviously trying to make conversation and they are HIS children not hers. I think the MIL should be a bit more critical of her son and his choices.

Taylor22 · 27/10/2018 20:21

If Op is a DIL. And there are two other DILs that get on done with the MiL then doesn't it make sense that the odd one out is the problem and not the MIL?

I know that defies all MN logic that a MIL can be decent but I just thought I'd go with an Out there theory.

Birdsgottafly · 27/10/2018 20:38

Your Mil needs to grow up and put her Grandchildren first.

I say that as a Grandmother.

There are definitely two sides to this. Did Mil insult/say bad things about the DIL in front of the children etc?

Batteriesallgone · 27/10/2018 20:43

Isn’t this just a version of the pick me dance?

Lazy ass bloke does fuck all, encouraging his wife and mum to fight over who gets a say over him / his kids so he can abdicate all responsibility.

This is all very weird. I wouldn’t get involved.

Weezol · 27/10/2018 20:49

Hang on...her husband's kids are MILs grandchildren, and DILs step children?

And MIL isn't allowed to see the grandchildren but DIL still visits MIL by herself even though MIL doesn't speak to her? And DIL has to prove this to wet lettuce husband by recording these visits?

WTAF? Why is DIL visting a) at all & b) alone?

Why is no one taking this up with wet lettuce husband who seems to be forcing these two women together for no good reason?

diddl · 27/10/2018 20:52

"Why is no one taking this up with wet lettuce husband who seems to be forcing these two women together for no good reason?"

It does seem like this, doesn't it?

Unless the kids live with them, why would this DIL e at all responsible for when MIL sees them?

If the kids visit eow, it might not be the priority of either her or her husband to rush to MIL with them either!

OldBean2 · 27/10/2018 21:01

Oh FFS, we had something similar when my DB secretly recorded a family meal banter to send to our elder brother in Oz. SiL decided she heard a comment about her, it wasn't but she would not listen to any explanation. Silly woman.

Sorry that you are stuck in the middle of this OP.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/10/2018 21:06

Her husbands MILs son?
Some kind person please explain what's going on here 🤨

Rebecca36 · 27/10/2018 21:17

She sounds weird. Who leaves their phone on so their husband can eavesdrop or vice versa? They must be an odd pair.

I'd stay out of it except that, if the children are not her children but his from previous marriage, she has no right to stop aunts and uncles, cousins etc from seeing them. Why would she want to? She must be very insecure.

Singlenotsingle · 27/10/2018 21:18

OP's MIL has 4 DILs, three of which she gets on with but the 4th she doesn't like. The reason she doesn't like DIL4 is because DIL4 won't let the MIL see her dgc. DIL4 is married to one of MIL's sons, but DIL4 is not the dgcs' bio mum. It's a Catch22, because they are both waiting for the other one to apologise. In the meantime DIL4 visits MIL on her own without the dgc, and as a result MIL refuses to chat to her. Is that right, or am I Confused?

IABURQO · 27/10/2018 21:21

One of his brothers should have a word about when they're seeing the kids; if he doesn't get much time with them though then be careful that the request for wider family time is a reasonable amount. As someone else pointed out, if he sees them EOW then once every few months is more reasonable.

The MIL needs to mind her behaviour; one of the brothers or favoured DIL could suggest that being nice to the new DIL is more likely to lead to harmony than ignoring her.

The DIL is quite possibly weird and controlling, or could (unlikely) be acting out because of her in laws' behaviours, it's hard to tell. Smile politely, speak nicely, don't get too involved.

The recording / or is it letting him listen... whatever, don't get involved, say nothing. In the incredibly unlikely event that DIL ever said "@Choccybisc knew we recorded stuff / had the other one on the phone" then deny all knowledge; you misunderstood, you didn't know.

Ifoundanacorn · 27/10/2018 21:31

Your MIL is behaving in a very passive aggressive way. I don't agree with the recording but there is obviously much more to this.

I don't think DIL should be seeing MIL at all

HeddaGarbled · 27/10/2018 21:36

The whole lot of them sound as batshit as each other, like they learned how to be adults from watching Jeremy Kyle.

BollocksToBrexit · 27/10/2018 21:37

Why does black sheep DIL stop the siblings from seeing her step children?

Taylor22 · 27/10/2018 21:39

How is MIL being passive aggressive. This woman is coming into her house and acting like a nutter.

MIL is a saint for not throwing DIL through the door.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 27/10/2018 21:45

You’re mil doesn’t sound very pleasant

Bluebolt · 27/10/2018 21:51

So the DIL does not want her step children involved in her husbands family but goes to visit the MIL who occasionally gets to see the GC. Not sure she would be welcome in most families and her husband sounds even worse.

KC225 · 27/10/2018 21:52

It sounds nuts. DIL is expecting an apology but didn't get one, so is ignored. MIL is expecting an apology but isn't getting one and ignores DIL. Why does DIL go there, and why does MIL let her in?

I would also want to know if someone was recording me.

LuvSmallDogs · 27/10/2018 21:52

This all sounds nuts, and I really don’t get it.

How does DIL get to decide her DSC don’t see the entire side of the family? Not only does she have no rights, surely the dad can take them there (and presumably did before he remarried) and has a will of his own?

Why isn’t your BIL just visiting with her to see how her and MIL get on? Why isn’t he contacting MIL for her side/to try to patch things up?

Is the SIL being expected to facilitate her DSC’s relationship with MIL et al after their relationship with your BIL has broken down and that’s why BIL isn’t visiting?

nearlythesummer · 27/10/2018 21:59

I would love to record my mil so my husband finally realised how applyingly she speaks to me when he is out of earshot. It’s like a comedy really -nice as pie when do is around & the second he’s not out come the knives!

Snappedandfarted2018 · 27/10/2018 22:01

Awaiting the massive back story

BollocksToBrexit · 27/10/2018 22:14

I wonder if MIL prefers ex DIL . In my experience that's usually the cause of friction between new DILs and MILs. My nan was like this with my uncles second wife. Lots of 'innocent' digs that made it very clear that ex DIL was the preferred one. She was lovely to everyone else.

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