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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Really need advice.

40 replies

usernshfjsndj · 27/10/2018 13:28

Hi, I'm posting here for traffic and have name changed.

I'm so confused about my ex. He was violent and verbally abusive but I still love him very much. He calls now and then and we meet up, usually just sex. He tells me he love me but doesn't trust me (I have never cheated on him). He is very possessive but says that he can't be with me as since we have been apart I have slept with other people (so has he!!)

I don't know what to do. This is really getting me down. Any advice appreciated. Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 27/10/2018 13:31

You need to contact Womens Aid and find a way to cut him off. You know that he's going to continue hurting you, you know he's not going to change.

Love isn't hurt. It isn't spite. It isn't unkindness or control. It's ensuring the other person is happy wherever you can. It's giving more to the other person than you take from them. It's not meant to leave you broken. You absolutely deserve that kind of love. Flowers

WishIwasanastronaut · 27/10/2018 13:31

Block his number and never see him again. Have a bit more self respect.
Be strong. You can do it.

Snappymcsnappy · 27/10/2018 13:33

Stop having sex with him.
Stop answering calls.
Have nothing else to do with him.
Find a better man.

I have been with these sort of men before, they are bad news.
Seriously.

Nobody is horrible all the time, so of course he has a sweet side, funny side etc.
But he is bad news.

He has issues and ‘the love of a good woman’ will never change him.
He can only be a good man if he himself realises the error of his ways, which probably won’t happen.

EwItsAHooman · 27/10/2018 13:34

Ditch him.

Change your number and/or block him. Don't meet up with him. Don't spend time with him. He's the same abusive prick he was all those years ago except now he gets to control you and have sex with you without all of the hassle of actually maintaining a healthy relationship.

usernshfjsndj · 27/10/2018 13:49

Thankyou ladies!

I'm in pieces right now, I absolutely know you are all 100% correct. But the truth is if he said right now let's give it another go, I would! I know he is bad news.

I don't know why he keeps telling me he loves and wants a family with me. But on the next breath he can never be with me. He is messing with my head. I don't know if it's on purpose or just comes naturally to me.

I may need to change my number. I've tried the blocking thing, but he always finds a way. Feel so despondent right now.

OP posts:
usernshfjsndj · 27/10/2018 13:50

Naturally to him*

OP posts:
noseoftralee · 27/10/2018 13:50

Women’s Aid. Freedom programme. Super strength contraception.

Snappymcsnappy · 27/10/2018 14:00

He keeps telling you these things because he has deep seated issues that are not for you to fix.

Until he himself, realises why he is behaving like this and realises that it is wrong and feels remorseful and deeply motivated to make a lasting change he will remain the same.

Nothing you say can ever make him change.

Until he himself realises, himself, any contact you have with him will cause you no end of pain and suffering.

EwItsAHooman · 27/10/2018 14:03

I've tried the blocking thing, but he always finds a way

It may be worthwhile looking into getting an injunction against him particularly as he's been violent and controlling in the past and is being controlling now, this would prevent him by law from contacting you.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/getting-an-injunction/

It sounds like you might also benefit from counselling or domestic abuse support to help you rebuild your confidence and get rid of him for good.

He is messing with my head. I don't know if it's on purpose or just comes naturally to him.

It's on purpose. It's an extension of the controlling behaviour, he doesn't want you to move on because that'll mean you don't need him and he will have no power over you. The little glimmers of hope where he's unexpectedly nice to you or he mentions a future where you have a house/kids/nice things are bullshit, they're the carrot he dangles so that you'll tolerate it when he uses the stick.

You're worth more than this, OP, you deserve more than this.

usernshfjsndj · 27/10/2018 14:05

Snappy that's the thing though, he thinks he done nothing wrong and was the perfect boyfriend.

He seems to know exactly when I'm starting to forget him and then pops up and all the feelings, followed by pain and upset re appear. Then he's done and I'm left not knowing what to think!

I know contact needs to be cut completely. The other day after telling me he loves me said he wants to be "friends" and for us both to move on. To then proceed to try it on with me. My head is fried with him.

OP posts:
Snappymcsnappy · 27/10/2018 14:13

Then he isn’t going to change anytime soon.
You need to accept that.

The reason behind WHY he behaves as he does doesn’t matter.
What matters, is that at this point he sees nothing wrong and therefore will continue the same destructive behaviour.
Maybe one day he will see and regret and change.

But more likely, he will never change.
And could even become worse.

You tried to have a relationship with him.
It didn’t work.
And it won’t work.
Because he can’t see how damaging his actions are.
Sad, but there is nothing more you can do.

Leave and never look back.

usernshfjsndj · 27/10/2018 14:20

@EwItsAHooman there was a temporary injunction when things were in court after the physical violence. He had little regard for the law, it didn't stop him then and I doubt it will now.

I have emailed the freedom programme.

I will block him and just ignore him. No more sex.

He said the other day when we were together he absolutely adored me and thought about me constantly. And that broke me to be honest. I don't know why my heart just sank, as though I wish I could change things. 

OP posts:
usernshfjsndj · 27/10/2018 14:22

If I was on the other side, I would be telling the person to get a grip and forget him. But it just seems so difficult when you are in the situation it's so difficult. He called me yesterday wanting to come down and get a takeaway and an early night 😪

OP posts:
usernshfjsndj · 27/10/2018 14:58

Literally can't stop crying. I'm getting therapy for bad anxiety.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 27/10/2018 15:57

He is doing what he does because he can, and to deliberately hurt you. He is getting a thrill out the effect he has on you. The 'intermittent reinforcement' of him being loving one minute, abusive the next (or 'in love' one minute, 'just friends' the next) creates an addiction in the brain. You are like a gambling addict playing a slot machine that you know will never pay out the top prize (proper love), even though it keeps giving you electric shocks, all because of the thrill when it occasionally pays out a few bits of change.

Be really clear - this isn't love you feel, it's an addiction and it is just as harmful. Googling trauma bonding might help you get solid on this, and there are abuse forums on facebook where you can get more information and support.

But be sure, he doesn't love you, he is lying for the laughs. It's what abusers do. do not believe anything he says - look at how he treats you. He abuses you, picks you up, then drops you. This is not how a man who loves a woman acts. Actions are what counts. Words are cheap. Men who love their woman admit when they are wrong.

Just like gambling, the only way to beat the addiction is to stop. It gets easier after the first few weeks, it really does. Proper No contact. Lots of good advice around that upthread.

Because otherwise, one day he will drop off the face of the earth and will have found someone else to torment (though he may 'convenience' torment you when he's bored). Do you really want to leave it up to him when this ends? End it for yourself, for your own self-esteem and self-worth, because you really need that xxxx

Easilyflattered · 27/10/2018 16:21

OP, read back your posts and imagine they were written by your best friend or your sister. You would be horrified that someone was blatantly taking such advantage of them. You would be outraged, and furious and would insist they should never have anything to do with a man like this. You would tell them there are other better men, and that they would be better off with someone else, that they deserved better.

Wake up, don't be blind to it any longer. Do not start a family with this man.

Chalkhillblu3 · 27/10/2018 16:32

'I don't know why he keeps telling me he loves and wants a family with me.'

Because he can see that it works to control you. It's less hassle for him than being violent and having to deal with injunctions.

usernshfjsndj · 27/10/2018 16:33

@ChristmasFluff that is a brilliant way of putting it and I agree with you. Maybe it is just an addiction. Thankyou so much for putting that perspective on things.

@Easilyflattered I completely agree! I would be appalled if any of my friends were putting up with this type of using and harmful behaviour from a man. I am usually quite a strong and confident person but over the past four years he has very carefully and methodically chipped away at it. I need to have the strength to tell him it's over once and for all and most importantly the courage to maintain that stance. I can't believe I have allowed myself to get into a situation like this.

OP posts:
usernshfjsndj · 27/10/2018 18:08

I have just read up on trauma bonding and it totally reflects this 'relationship'.

OP posts:
usernshfjsndj · 28/10/2018 12:51

So he called AGAIN and I ignored him. It's a step in the right direction.

OP posts:
longwayoff · 28/10/2018 13:15

Listen to Christmasfluff OP, its good advice. Because you feel so low, you are grasping at any offer of what you perceive to be love. It isn't love, it's just him reinforcing his ownership of you. You really do deserve better and you will come to understand that when you free yourself.

usernshfjsndj · 28/10/2018 13:52

Thankyou

OP posts:
Easilyflattered · 28/10/2018 16:29

Well done on ignoring his call. Keep up the good work.

Thatstheendofmytether · 28/10/2018 16:33

Haven't rtft but I was with a man like this OP, on and off for a few years. He was never physically abusive but could be verbally abusive. I went back after I had been away from him for a long time and had a dc. I soon realised I didn't want a man like that arpund my child and I certainly wouldn't put up with it anymore. Don't do it, cut all contact and move on. I did and I have never regretted that decision bit you will regret going back.

RedHelenB · 28/10/2018 16:41

Stop having sex with him!

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