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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit sad/miffed about this...

35 replies

Putmedownforanap · 27/10/2018 09:08

I know I am really, but I can't help it!

We have recently adopted our second child, he moved in with us just under two weeks ago and is a young baby. He is our older child's birth sibling. It has been a stressful and exhausting process (much more so than with our first child), but he is a lovely baby and we are of course absolutely over the moon to have him home.

So, what's bothering me is... We have so far had a total of 3 congratulations cards. No one from my husband's family has sent anything at all. This has NOTHING to do with our son being adopted as everyone made a huge fuss with our first child.

I get that this is always the case with a second child, but we have lots of friends and family and I have certainly send cards and presents for every single one of their new babies. When you adopt, perhaps understably, you don't tend to get any of the fuss as a Mum that you might get when having a birth child. No pregnancy massage, no pamper days, certainly no presents for you etc. So, if I'm honest, whilst I also feel sad for my son that so little fuss has been made (we e kept all my daughter's cards and there's at least 50!!) I also feel sad for me and my husband as the first few weeks are pretty tough and a few more congratulations cards and a bit of fuss would be very nice!!!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2018 09:11

I think people aren’t used to seeing adoption so they don’t know how to respond. Try not to take it personally-people really will be pleased for you.

Congratulations. Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2018 09:12

Could you have a little get together with your friends? Or confide in someone about how you’re feeling and see what happens?

Bowchicawowow · 27/10/2018 09:13

Perhaps a lot of the cards for your Dd were more about the joy people felt about you becoming parents after a long wait?

RedHelenB · 27/10/2018 09:17

First born always have more but if I were your friend I'd have got you a card for your new baby. Did you tell people the exact date she was coming to live with you?

Ohwhatbliss · 27/10/2018 09:18

To be honest it was like this with our second child. We received a barrage of cards and gifts for our first and a handful for the second so I would say it's just how it goes sadly. Congratulations from me x

IABURQO · 27/10/2018 09:20

Have you held a party at home yet for all the family to meet the baby? (Or two parties if there are loads of them). Lots of our families just brought cards when they came to our house.

flumpybear · 27/10/2018 09:21

Aaahhhhh congratulations! People are rubbish, enjoy your family ❤️

IABURQO · 27/10/2018 09:21

And congratulations on your new baby!

Passmethecrisps · 27/10/2018 09:25

Huge congratulations!!

I have two daughters and I recall feeling like daughter 2 was completely ignored. A HUGE fuss was made of number 1 for some reason (I suspect people wondered if I didn’t want/ couldn’t have. First grandbaby on either side) number two was welcomed but much more low key

Villanelle123 · 27/10/2018 09:27

It’s just what happens second time around.

Congratulations on your baby xx

Original poster
Putmedownforanap · 27/10/2018 09:30

I don't think it's because he's adopted purple as it's all the same people who sent cards etc with my daughter who is also adopted. Yes bow I definitely think we got SO many cards etc. with our daughter because people were so excited and pleased for us and I definitely wouldn't have expected the same levels of excitement this time, but a bit of acknowledgement/celebration that we'd made it through a very tricky process would be nice!

IABU I'm not sure I'm up to hosting parties to be honest, but I did sent aittle message out to friends and family announcing his 'arrival' and inviting them to come and visit. No social media posts for obvious reasons.

I'm just feeling a bit emotional and overwhelmed I think!!

OP posts:
ThirdChildFourthPile · 27/10/2018 09:47

I think the adoption part is a red herring.

When I was pregnant with my second I didn't have pregnant massage, presents for me or pamper sessions.
I didn't get anywhere near as many cards as DS1, just a handful like you did.

But the difference was, I wasn't bothered.

I did have visitors from grandparents though and when DS was 10 days old I arranged a get together in a pub for Sunday roast.
But that was arranged by me and everyone got to meeting him.

I will do the exact same thing with this one, although he's a Christmas baby so the arranging and the meetings kind of sort themselves out 😃

Congratulations on your new baby!

In my opinion though, the issue is with you and not with the other people.

As long as the grandparents are keen to meet their new grandchild then everything is good in my book.

CupMug · 27/10/2018 09:58

So, if I'm honest, whilst I also feel sad for my son that so little fuss has been made

It’s silly to worry about it from your sons point of view. I’d be amazed if anyone ever grew up and compared how many congrats cards they got as a baby.

I think it’s really normal to get a lot less cards for a second baby. Some families just aren’t that into cards. It doesn’t mean anything and doesn’t mean they won’t think the same of the second child as they do of the first.

BTW if you are bothered by this I suggest you prepare yourself if you have a third or fourth child. 😂

Anyway congrats on you new baby. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 27/10/2018 10:05

That's really sad. I know random people on the internet are not the same as family and friends in real life but I want to send you my congratulations.

I think we should celebrate when people become parents, whether through adoption or birth and welcome new family members. When my friend adopted her second child (not a baby) we organised a surprise party for her. Not a baby shower obviously but a chance to show her that she was special. The child had had cards and small presents when she joined the family as well.

I did have another friend who adopted a baby who asked for no visitors as they all settled in together though. Perhaps people think that that is what you need?

GhoulMythicalMoooaning · 27/10/2018 10:09

It was the same for our second. No cards at all.

Witchend · 27/10/2018 10:12

Congratulations.

But I didn't get any of those fuss over mum things you describe with any of mine either.

nicebitofquiche · 27/10/2018 10:37

I understand you feeling sad but please be reassured it's the norm with the second child. It was in my case anyway.

PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2018 10:44

Apologies, I missed your first child was also adopted (need coffee!). It probably is the second child factor.

Laksaf · 27/10/2018 10:48

YANBU I don't see a reason why you wouldn't be sent a congratulatory card when you brought your second child home. I would find it all a bit off.

Original poster
Putmedownforanap · 27/10/2018 10:49

Thank you everyone, I do feel reassured that it's just the norm with second children. ThirdChild I think you're right that the adoption thing is largely irrelevant, although CupMug things like how many cards etc. that you recieve might be slightly more important to an adopted child. Both my children were adopted at 6 months and as such experienced trauma when they were removed from their birth parents at birth and again when they had to leave their foster carers as babies. We have kept all our daughter's cards as part of her 'life story' so we can show her how welcomed and loved she was etc. We won't be able to do that with my son and I worry a little that he could draw comparisons as that can be a more sensitive area for adopted people.

OP posts:
KC225 · 27/10/2018 10:51

I also don't think its the adoption thing. When my schoolfriend had her first baby, it was exciting, couldn't believe she was going to a be mum etc. I took champagne, a cheesy balloon. I spent ages choosing a gift and a keepsake. By the time she had the third, I sent a text and sent something from babygap about a month later. It was nothing to do with the baby. In fact now they are grown, I am probably closer to the third one, even though I am god parent to the first. I didnt plan it that way, its not my official sliding scale of interest but I was excited they were becoming a family and moving into a different phase of their life. By the time the second and third came along its 'oh that's nice, lovely'. If I am honest, I feel the same about second weddings too.

Congratulations on your new baby, don't stress about this. I was watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta the other day and they were talking about a sip n' see where family and friends come to an afternoon tea to meet with the new baby. Perhaps something like that for your DH's family.

HoppingPavlova · 27/10/2018 10:52

I think a huge fuss is always made with the first to recognise the couple are now parents as opposed to it being about the child itself if that makes sense. Subsequent children, they are already parents so there is no fuss and fanfare.

I admit I always go all out for new parents but not when they are already established parents adding another.

Bambamber · 27/10/2018 10:52

To be honest I didn't even get any of that with my first child. Not because no one cared, just didn't think it was necessary and I have to agree.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/10/2018 10:52

I also think it's more of a second child thing.

I had a lot of congrats cards for my first child but almost none - in fact I can't even remember one! - for my second.

HannahnotAgnes · 27/10/2018 10:57

Agree with the others - definitely a 2nd child thing. Just wait until your 3rd (if you have one) as likely you'll get zero (at least that's how it was with you).

Congratulations on your new baby! He'll know he's wanted if he feels secure in your love (which I'm sure he will do) - cards from other people really aren't important.