To think grandchildren come before dogs

[Disappointed01]

NC for this as I don’t want it linked to my other posts.
My (D)M was not a great mum, nor has she been a good grandmother but hey that’s how it goes I guess. She’s never babysit for any of her 4 gc’s (I have 2, Dsis has 2), never treated them nor shown them any real affection. All she did do was send them £20 a year twice a year (Xmas and birthdays). So £160 a year, a little over £3 a week.

Tonight we’re on the phone and she says “is it ok if I stop sending GCs money now as i’m struggling”. Fair enough. Except she then goes on to say how she’s looking for the perfect food for her dog as her dog deserves “the best”, how she’s spent £320 alone this month on said dog.

Now, all her GC are grown up now. They don’t need her token £40 a year. But I spent my whole childhood coming second to my mums bloody dogs. I thought/hoped she might do better for her GC. Especially as she admitted and apologised in the past for being a crap mum. But clearly it was just words. Her actions don’t bear this out. It’s just brought back all my feelings from childhood where the dogs always came first and me and my Dsis second. I just feel disappointed In her all over again.

Anyone who puts animals' needs above children's needs should be treated with suspicion.

If her GC are adults now then that’s pretty fair to stop giving birthday and Christmas gifts if she doesn’t want to. Do they return the favour back?

I'm sorry you a 're experiencing your rotten, unlocking childhood again. That's not nice for you at all :(

Unloving!

But they're not her children. She didn't choose to have them. And, as you said they're grown up so it's not as if she's withholding presents from a small child. I don't see a problem with her spending her own money on what she wants.

Of course it's fine to stop giving cash gifts when kids get older but most decent grandparents would get something and this is not just about now that they have grown up. She sounds distant throughout their lives.

YANBU. Hugs for you, OP

It’s not the money at all. I couldn’t care less about that. It’s about how the dogs have always come first for her. And that, despite admitting she was a bad mum, she’s done no better for her GC. And it just brings back the past for me and makes me feel shit all over again.

In I do not understand this weird detachment from grandchildren promoted on here sometimes. Of course they're technically not your kids and you don't have to invest in them financially or emotionally... but ugh. Why would you have such a meh attitude to close family members notwithstanding some sort of family trauma or breakdown?

Just text her back 'W'

She doesn't deserve grandchildren

People get older and odder. Try not to take it personally. My in-laws are similar

The dog lovers on here are likely to have a field day on your OP and my response.
MIL always had dogs. She could not see past them. We were in the dining room having dinner one evening when her old dog shat on the rug. She could not understand why some people were put off eating especially when she returned the dog to the dining room.
Her dogs were off the lead and ran at some kids, she did try calling them back but they ignored her. The kids grabbed branches and hit the dogs. MIL was outraged and demanded an apology.
She could not see that animals should not be in the dining room at all and especially not when a meal is being taken. Dogs should not be off lead in a park and people should not be expected to apologise to a dog. In her world dogs first humans second.
I don't understand her attitude

@ohnothanks

Exactly that, she has made zero effort in her GCs lives. I try and look at it rationally in that she has lost out in the end. Both I and my Dsis are very close to our children and will spoil our GCs rotten! She will never experience those rewarding relationships. It just makes me sad.

I totally get what you are saying and you are not being unreasonable in the least. Grieve it through once and for all and let it go because she is not going to change at this stage of her life.

I get why you feel as you do OP.

However having grandchildren isn't some golden opportunity to atone for previous parental failings. I can't help but feel that the massive sense of disappointment you're feeling here comes from a misplaced belief that a selfish person would suddenly transform just because there's grandchildren.

It’s quite normal to stop sending adult gc presents. Also, I think it’s a little unfair to complain about how much she pays.

I think it’s a little unfair to complain about her grandmother if skills, some are not just hands on grandparents.

Is she expecting you to take care of her in her old age? Be there for her to provide emotional support when she is bedbound?
Sorry op, she sounds like one cold fish. Yanbu at all to feel your childhood hurt all over again.

Sorry but I have absolutely no intention of taking care of her in old age! She’s on her own. Yes I suppose I did somewhat foolishly hope she’d somehow “make amends” for her lack of mothering by being a better grandmother and I guess that’s on me for expecting/hoping she’d have learnt something over the years. As I said, I don’t care about the money, it’s the lack of care full stop that hurts. But it’s true. I need to let it go and just be thankful I haven’t repeated her mistakes.

Is it really the dogs though ? Even if she didn't have dogs would she of been a better parent or grandparent ? I don't think she would of it's obviously just the way she is.
I would personally cut contact I wouldn't force myself to interact with someone who didn't make an effort with me or my children x

That is a good question from @Forgotmycoat .

The thing that strikes me OP is that your DM is a lost cause but you have broken the mould in having a warm and close relationship with your kids. That is a big achievement.

Yes hats off to you for not repeating her mistakes. That is priceless in itself.

Did you honestly expect her to be a better gm than dm? Seems a little far fetched! She’s clearly more into animals than dc. She’s not going to change, is she? Lower your expectations, OP, then you’ll never be disappointed.

My dm is a very involved grandmother, but my db’s mil isn’t and totally respect that, it’s not her kids, why should she give up her time/money, having already brought up her own dc? I don’t think it’s automatic or a ‘right’.

Stillme - I don’t think that is fair . I have dogs , but always put my grandchildren first . Unfortunately my grandchildren may be moving further away and I am very upset . So my dogs may be my support. But don’t paint all dog owners with the same brush

I don't blame you for not wanting to take care of her in her old age. We reap what we sow.

I think that’s the thing. My mum didn’t bring up her own DC. She left us with my dad (an abusive alcoholic) and when we were adults said “did he sexually abuse you? I thought he might as he’s that type”. That’s just how bad of a mother she was! And yeah, I guess I was totally foolish but when she gave me what I thought was a heartfelt apology for all she had subjected us too, then yes, I thought maybe she would change. I was stupid. I see that now.