To think grandchildren come before dogs

[Disappointed01]

NC for this as I don’t want it linked to my other posts.
My (D)M was not a great mum, nor has she been a good grandmother but hey that’s how it goes I guess. She’s never babysit for any of her 4 gc’s (I have 2, Dsis has 2), never treated them nor shown them any real affection. All she did do was send them £20 a year twice a year (Xmas and birthdays). So £160 a year, a little over £3 a week.

Tonight we’re on the phone and she says “is it ok if I stop sending GCs money now as i’m struggling”. Fair enough. Except she then goes on to say how she’s looking for the perfect food for her dog as her dog deserves “the best”, how she’s spent £320 alone this month on said dog.

Now, all her GC are grown up now. They don’t need her token £40 a year. But I spent my whole childhood coming second to my mums bloody dogs. I thought/hoped she might do better for her GC. Especially as she admitted and apologised in the past for being a crap mum. But clearly it was just words. Her actions don’t bear this out. It’s just brought back all my feelings from childhood where the dogs always came first and me and my Dsis second. I just feel disappointed In her all over again.

Do the GC visit, show her affection in any way?

My DD does not bother with my DM, so her saying she will not bother back is fine. Dogs or anything else in front is irrelevant.

You can never make anyone do anything and expectations are a waste of time.
All you can change is the way you feel about this and not let it bother you. You cant let your Mums behaviour eat away at you forever.
You need to let it go.

OP I could have wrote this. My mum is totally shit at being a grandparent, refuses to have them for more than a trip to the toilet. And she NEVER visits from living abroad. She doesn't work, only lives 1 hour plane journey away but we'd see her for maybe 3 days a year because her beloved dog (who recently died) couldn't possibly be left for "so long", he gets depressed you see and hates being without her. She's missed sending birthday and Christmas presents to us all but would make sure her dog had his £80 a month groom because he 'deserved it'. Since her died she's been in tears every day, constantly bombarded me with messages about how heartbroken she is, etc - she barely shed a tear when her own mother died. I sympathise because losing a pet is awful, but I seeth and think "but what about my heartbreak, the fact that you have no excuse not to visit and you still don't".

The worst thing is my brother, just before said dog died, got into some payday loan debt, he asked her for a £300 loan to pay it off. She said no, didn't have the money she said- but a week later she took the dog to the vets 150 miles away that he 'preferred' (they'd moved house it was his old vet) to get PTS, with an overnight stay in a hotel. then another £250 on a fancy urn for the dog 

You are not stupid ! Hopes were raised by her apology and you wanted your dc to have a better relationship with her as a result. There is nothing wrong in that . You are not to blame and she sounds terrible tbh and it is not easy to finally be able to let it go and move on . X

(((Hug)))

It’s not at all surprising that her comments have upset you. She was a terrible mother to you, but she is your mother and it’s entirely normal to still hope she will realise the error of her ways and show you that love (by being different with her GC) that you deserve.

Being badly parented as a child screws you up emotionally, rationally you can ‘know’ things (such as her lack of care/attention etc was not about you, but about her) but it doesn’t stop the damage that feeling unloved as a child has done. You can’t undo years & years of hurt and damage. All you can do, is what you have done, form other strong, loving relationships and be kind to yourself. Actively remind yourself it’s about her inadequacies, NOT yours.

I’m glad you and your sister are close and that you have both been able to be different with your children and each other’s. That’s a huge accomplishment.

Have as little to do with your mother as possible and be proud of yourself 🌷

Disappointed01 Have you had counselling? You can achieve independence from your parents, let go and move on.
Unrealistic expectations based on what normal people would do only going to hurt you.

I suppose I thought I was over it a long time ago but tonight’s conversation has just triggered me and brought it all back. She wouldn’t have known that when she said it, but equally I can’t help the way it’s made me feel.

The sad thing is one of my DCs is moving abroad soon for a dream job in a country my mum has always wanted to visit. I was seriously considering treating her to a trip there until tonight. Now I just think “fuck you”. I guess I just need to make my peace with it all and treat her as she has treated us.

My situation is very similar to one of the grandchildren. Grandfather was alcoholic and emotionally abusive to everyone around him his whole life. We are not sure why but think there are mental health issues and a low IQ that make him a very bitter, jealous and greedy man. He is now lying in a nursing home bedbound on constant oxygen and receives a visit once a week or sometimes once a fortnight from one of his two children. I visit occasionally (maybe around twice a year) but my husband refuses to come with me as he gets a 40 minute lecture on how overweight he is. Another couple in the family wont visit as they are lectured on their infertility and his unemployment. He has isolated himself with his behaviour. I've received a fiver a year for Christmas since I was about 8 until about 16 when he remembered. He lies in the nursing home asking my dad about his bank accounts constantly as he is still obsessed with money even though he is actively dying of COPD.
It's his loss, I'm very close to my other remaining grandparent and I know I'll feel only relief when he dies that I'm no longer obligated to visit him.

Thank you for your comments everyone. It helps to be able to talk about it.

I have just read your post from 22:19.

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but she’s an evil nasty bitch. Why do you have her in your life at all? You don’t have to you know, you owe her nothing. Why not free yourself from listening to more of her crap & being hurt over & over?

This is probably why I prefer my dogs over people!

How horrible for you. My mum was a massive drinker when I was a child up until me moving out at 18. I know she still drinks a lot but when I went over with my baby to see her last week she was blind drunk at 11am, she had only told me the night before about how she couldn’t wait to see us. No matter how old we get I think we still crave that loving mum so many people seem to have. All we can do is be the best parents we can be, not repeat mistakes and sheild our children against it all. Your mum will miss out in the long run.

*shield

We always want our parents love, affection and approval no matter how old we are. It's hardwired into our dna as our survival as a child relied on it. Your emotional response to your mother's behaviour is entirely rational and normal, and likely greatly heightened through it involving your own precious children. You need to sit with this emotion and acknowledge it. Don't try to left-brain it away with logic, don't amplify it, don't minimise it or push it away. Talk about it as long and as hard as you need to. In time this approach will lessen and heal these feelings. Sending you love ♥

Are you my sister OP

My mother has often said she never wanted any of us. All shes ever been interested in is Fucking Dogs!!
Needless to say I hate the things now I'm older.
My mother doesn't give two shits about any of her GC, Just obsessed with Dogs.

You have my sympathy OP

@mrcharlie, I feel the same way as you. It’s shit isn’t it.

Well there will come a time when she realises that her dog can’t look after her as she gets more frail. By then none of us will care and she’ll be left to her own devices. Just a little bit of effort in her part and she could have had a loving family around her. This has been a sort of wake up call for me. A reminder that she doesn’t give a shit. Maybe that’s a good thing. As now I don’t need to feel any guilt when I do nothing to help her. Not that I needed to feel guilty before but maybe I needed a reminder of all the bad stuff.

Wow she is lucky you have bothered for as long as you have. She sounds like a foul mother and terrible person.