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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to demand that boyfriend takes down photos of his ex-wife

44 replies

oreoxoreo · 26/10/2018 15:19

I've been with him over 2 years. He's been divorce over 4 years, one of the most acrimonious divorce and they "hate" each other. My bf has bedrooms in his house dedicated to his DC (who have not been to his house for over a year and don't want to see him - other reasons) and there are photos of him and his ex (wedding, wedding rings, all-together family photos - around 8 or 10 of them) and a big collage of family photos in the hallway with him and his ex as a centre piece (other photos in the collage are more recent, so he updates most but not the one were they were together). He says, it is where his family started and it is for his DC and he says his DC wanted those photos. That might have been 4 years ago...?

He also keeps photos of us (and DC) in his living room and his bedroom.

I wish I was being unreasonable. I can accept family photos, but I am terribly uncomfortable with the wedding or old romantic just two of them photos. It is like he is longing for these memories. Of course he says I am being paranoid. I told him, it upsets me. He gives me indications that he is thinking of our future, or our wedding some day, and he is barely in touch with his ex, I just don't understand!
He reluctantly says he will take it down, but is wondering what's the big deal because it is for his DC? I really don't want to be petty.

He also shares his memories on Facebook which includes olden times with his DC and ex.

Am I overthinking this??

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 26/10/2018 15:23

Family photos with the DCs, mostly ok. Couple photos of him and the ex, no. If pushed, I'd say it creates the illusion for the DCs that they might get back together someday. His response to that will tell you all you need to know.

araiwa · 26/10/2018 15:24

Demands get met with 'fuck off'

sayanythingelse · 26/10/2018 15:26

I was all ready to say YABU when I read the title thinking the photos were on Facebook or something but actual photos in the hallway? YANBU! There's nothing wrong with acknowledging the past but having multiple photos up of their wedding is strange in my opinion.

Sounds like he's not over her and is still holding on to the past.

RightOcciputAnterior · 26/10/2018 15:27

That's very confusing for the kids - as @jaxhog says, it risks leading the kids (and perhaps even the ex) to believe that they might get back together one day. However, if you force the issue, you'll come across as controlling. More importantly, why doesn't he WANT to take the pictures down? Does he still have feelings for her? It sounds like you have bigger issues than the actual photos...

funinthesun18 · 26/10/2018 15:30

If the photos are in places such as the living room or hallway, then he’s being very disrespectful to you. If his kids want photos of their parents together on their wedding day, then can’t they just have the photos put up in their bedroom?

AfterSchoolWorry · 26/10/2018 15:32

Why don't his kids want to see him?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 26/10/2018 15:33

Why don't his DC want to see him? If it's to do with his treatment of their Mother then perhaps he's worried that taking the photos down would cause an argument in the event that they do agree to visit.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/10/2018 15:36

How old are his kids? If they are young then I agree with PP's, having those pictures up will just confuse them and maybe give them hope that Daddy still loves Mummy.

I think it's odd that he has pictures up from their wedding day and I understand where you're coming from - it would concern me too!

You can't force him to take them down and I don't think partners should demand things however I would be asking myself why he's still got them up. Is he clinging onto the past and does he still have some feelings for her?

Do you know who initiated the split?

Original poster
oreoxoreo · 26/10/2018 15:36

To be clear, there about 5-6 wedding photos in DC bedrooms, several family photos (not wedding) in DC bedrooms and a collage with my bf+ex as a centre piece and DC photos around in the hallway.
He said DC asked for those photos to be there, but that could have been 4 years ago (he moved house since) and after all the acrimony I do think DC would find the wedding/romantic photos confusing the least.

I am upset about wedding/romantic photos even if in DC bedrooms. I am ok with family photos.

I don't believe he wants to get back with his ex, but holding onto memories is upsetting.

At my own home I have 1 photo of my ex+my DC on display. The rest is in the cupboard.

OP posts:
Nursejackie1 · 26/10/2018 15:40

Do you think he would be happy if you shared memories of you and an ex etc? Of course not. I would not continue with him he's making out you are paranoid for not wanting to see couply photo's of him and his ex everytime you walk in his house.This in my opinion is a red flag. As is the fact his kids don't want to see him.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/10/2018 15:41

The ones in the bedrooms wouldn't bother me, he's designated those to his children and he says they want them there and that's fine to me however I would want the ones in the hallway to be removed.

Are you prepared to also take down the one of your ex and your DC if he asks you too?

Original poster
oreoxoreo · 26/10/2018 15:45

DC are old enough (from 10 to 16), divorce was through ex affair/initiation, my bf was hurt badly but then has been more than difficult himself in the process. DC were stuck in the middle of the conflict and now chose not to get involved at all.
Bf is an emotional person and admittedly he does have a lot of photos of us together too (in his bedroom and in the living room).

OP posts:
Original poster
oreoxoreo · 26/10/2018 15:47

I in fact asked how would he feel if I displayed my wedding photos with my ex in my house (saying "it is for DC isn't it") and he said he would be fine with it. Chances are he just wanted to sound cool and justify his own position. Maybe I should try....

OP posts:
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 26/10/2018 15:48

I am upset about wedding/romantic photos even if in DC bedrooms

You really can't expect to dictate what photos the DC have in their bedrooms.

SillySallySingsSongs · 26/10/2018 15:49

Most peopke don't react well to demands.

I am upset about wedding/romantic photos even if in DC bedrooms. I am ok with family photos.

Their bedrooms are their space. You can't demand what pictures his DC have up!

WorraLiberty · 26/10/2018 15:50

This is his house. You don't have the right to demand anything.

If you ever end up moving in and still feel the same, then is the time to tell him it isn't going to happen unless you can both come to a compromise.

HeckyPeck · 26/10/2018 15:52

Maybe I should try....

Maybe a nice loving couple shot overlooking your bed!

Seriously though it’s very weird that he won’t take them down (or at least move to their bedrooms.)

I can’t imagine wanting to see my ex’s face staring down at me everyday!

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2018 15:54

The wedding/ couple photos should be removed in the communal areas. You can’t dictate what the dc have in their rooms even if they don’t go in them at the moment.

Why do the children not visit? Is it because of how your bf is with them? Or in relation to the marriage / divorce?

Original poster
oreoxoreo · 26/10/2018 15:55

To be honest I am not sure if his DC actually chosen those photos to be there. His youngest was 6 when they divorced. It is hard to believe that DC consciously selected the wedding rings photos and the likes to be hanged on their wall...

I didn't demand. I said it upsets me. DC have not visited for 1.5 years to be precise. So he can't be sure anymore what they would like at this point, and if they stick with their mum and don't want to see him then having wedding photos seems a bit hypocritical to me.

I did make a suggestion to take it down and put it in the box and next time DC there he lets them chose again. I said, what was 4 years ago might not be today anymore.

He agreed but I am not convinced he will do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
oreoxoreo · 26/10/2018 15:57

Actually, I am very happy to stand corrected.
Although, if I think of it, I would be definitely upset if we were married and he would still keep his previous wedding photos in his DC bedrooms.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 26/10/2018 15:58

It sounds like a very messy situation. Him saying he hates her but still having their photo up suggest he’s not over the break up to me.

Is he doing anything to try and see his DC? He’s sounding quite passive to me.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/10/2018 16:00

I agree, the wedding or couple photos should be removed, they are not a couple anymore, a few family ones, and that's it. I agree with a previous poster, that It is creating an illusion for dc that they may get back together again, I think he has not got over her, and still holds a candle there for her.

WorraLiberty · 26/10/2018 16:02

I'd be very wary of marrying an overly emotional man whose children don't want to see him.

Has he done anything to address this?

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2018 16:05

WorraLiberty
Me too. Hence my questions. The whole situation sounds incredibly strange.

Gardai · 26/10/2018 16:06

Sounds a bit odd, like there are too many photos in the house tbh
Does he not like pictures or prints ?
Sometimes people hang onto the past but I think it’s disrespectful to your relationship with him. I’d be wondering exactly where I stood I suppose.