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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to demand that boyfriend takes down photos of his ex-wife

44 replies

oreoxoreo · 26/10/2018 15:19

I've been with him over 2 years. He's been divorce over 4 years, one of the most acrimonious divorce and they "hate" each other. My bf has bedrooms in his house dedicated to his DC (who have not been to his house for over a year and don't want to see him - other reasons) and there are photos of him and his ex (wedding, wedding rings, all-together family photos - around 8 or 10 of them) and a big collage of family photos in the hallway with him and his ex as a centre piece (other photos in the collage are more recent, so he updates most but not the one were they were together). He says, it is where his family started and it is for his DC and he says his DC wanted those photos. That might have been 4 years ago...?

He also keeps photos of us (and DC) in his living room and his bedroom.

I wish I was being unreasonable. I can accept family photos, but I am terribly uncomfortable with the wedding or old romantic just two of them photos. It is like he is longing for these memories. Of course he says I am being paranoid. I told him, it upsets me. He gives me indications that he is thinking of our future, or our wedding some day, and he is barely in touch with his ex, I just don't understand!
He reluctantly says he will take it down, but is wondering what's the big deal because it is for his DC? I really don't want to be petty.

He also shares his memories on Facebook which includes olden times with his DC and ex.

Am I overthinking this??

OP posts:

iBiscuit · 26/10/2018 16:09

I'd be very wary of marrying an overly emotional man whose children don't want to see him.

This.

Original poster

oreoxoreo · 26/10/2018 16:10

Well we are long way from marrying :) but things seems to be moving in the right direction...
He was a good dad according to his ex. Until she had an affair and moved on. He stung with all the bitterness he could. They both lost everything and both have fought over DC custody. He's thrown a lot of money into legal system for this. His bitterness affected DC, hence the reason for DC not wanting to see him. I think the bitterness has now mostly gone and he will be able to restore his relationship with DC in time.

OP posts:

Dungeondragon15 · 26/10/2018 16:11

You can't demand that he takes them down but what would be the point anyway. The fact that he keeps them there speaks volumes, particularly as he knows that it upsets you. He is not over her and making him take the photos down isn't going to change that. From experience, there is nothing more demoralizing than being with someone who would rather be with their ex.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 26/10/2018 16:14

Just put up loads of you and exes in the hallway too.

Seriously he’s not over her, and something very odd has gone on with his kids not seeing him. This all feels like a few red flags.

I do think it’s fine to say this isn’t on. It’s not controlling at all to say that the photos make you feel uncomfortable. Ultimately you will have to decide whether to stay with him if he doesn’t change.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 26/10/2018 16:17

After your last post, I’m quite worried that you think he’s a good Dad. He’s not! He’s let his own bitterness get in the way of seeing them for over a year?! That’s terrible. I assume it’s because the kids did not choose him?

High conflict - this doesn’t sound good at all OP

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 16:17

So basically he was so angry with his ex that he took it out on his kids, used them as pawns in his fight with her and now they don’t want to see him.

And he keeps the photos of the kids he let down as a kind of shrine.

I would avoid him like the plague.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2018 16:19

What do you mean by bitterness? His ex wife is in contact with you so she doesn’t appear to be forcing / encouraging the children to stay away.

It sounds to me as though he acted recklessly and without regard for the children. Tread very carefully.

Is this the sort of person you want to marry? What if your relationship doesn’t work out? Will he react in the same way to you and can you handle it?

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 16:21

Perhaps he disregarded his kids’ feelings in the same way that he does yours over these pictures.

I have to agree with others that I don’t think he’s over her.

WorraLiberty · 26/10/2018 16:23

That doesn't sound like a good dad or a good mum to me.

Lots of splits are acrimonious, but I think the majority of parents try very very hard not to let it affect the children, especially to the level you describe.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 26/10/2018 16:23

It all sounds peculiar, inappropriate and fairly disrespectful to you.
It also sounds like dubious interior design (but that’s probably a snobby point).

Aeroflotgirl · 26/10/2018 16:26

Sorry op, don't even think about marrying him, he has not got over her at all, and probably still loves her. He is disrespecting you putting those many photos of him and his ex up, how would he feel if you did the same.

Rebecca36 · 26/10/2018 16:27

I understand how you feel in a way but - you're not living with him, you have your own house and say you are a long way off marrying. That's a good thing, he still has baggage to sort out and you have children of your own to be your priority.

Sad business.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/10/2018 16:29

Just treat very carefully op, i don't think his heart is with you at all. I think he is longing for those memories back, she had an affair, he probably still loves her.

Original poster

oreoxoreo · 26/10/2018 16:30

Eh.. the DC wasn't my main point here. There is much more to it and I just didn't want it to be too outing. Faults at both sides. No one is perfect and my bf has his good and bad sides, and some lessons learnt too during the divorce. Now that the bitterness is mostly gone, he is starting to rebuild the relationship with DC but the process is very slow.

The photos with ex-wife, on the other hand....

I believe if she visited his house (she won't) she would laugh hard at the fact that he still has their photos on the walls.

To be fair he is a photo maniac and there are loads and loads of family/relatives/old/mine photos all over the house.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 26/10/2018 16:32

your just making excuses for him, his heart is not with you, it really is with the mother of his kids. Those photos are really telling, he is not able to remove them.

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 16:42

No-one is perfect but most people manage not to alienate their kids.

When his kids needed him he prioritised his bitterness. God knows how damaged they must have been by that, and trying to rebuild what he destroyed unfortunately cannot undo that.

RomanyRoots · 26/10/2018 17:26

Speak to him and say whilst you understand that keeping the photo's for his children is acceptable, they don't have to be on display.
The children never come round so they aren't being displayed for anybodies benefit.

Coyoacan · 26/10/2018 17:43

So basically he was so angry with his ex that he took it out on his kids, used them as pawns in his fight with her and now they don’t want to see him

This.

I would be very wary of him, OP. Apart from the children thing, if he was in love with you, he would have no time to hate his ex for things that happened in the past.

Jlynhope · 26/10/2018 18:07

Sounds like he's just not that into you.
He doesn't care it upsets you and he is clearly still hung up on her.

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