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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if you would buy gifts for this child?

59 replies

Waitrosesmincepies · 26/10/2018 13:01

You ur ex husbands stepchild? Fairly new relationship, 6 months in. They’re talking about getting married, I haven’t met her yet. But I know I will meet her sooner or later. Kids staying at their house on Boxing Day. Me and ex get on OK, I try to be the bigger person and basically forgive and forget( even though some of the stuff he’s put me through is rather unforgivable) I just want us all to get on, and since this child is my DCs stepsister I thought of buying her a gift? She’s 2. Would you do it? Anyone done it?

OP posts:
IJustLostTheGame · 26/10/2018 13:56

I wouldn't. But then I'd probably just say to my ex the children want to give their new step sibling a little something, so I suggest you organise that.

ems137 · 26/10/2018 13:56

I probably wouldn't unless my children were old enough to ask to get them a present. My youngest 2 haven't ever received anything from exH (father to eldest 2) and I haven't ever thought anything of it. They are expecting their 1st baby together soon and if my kids ask, I will buy a little outfit or teddy as a gift from them.

It all depends on your dynamics though. Me and exH get on fine, it's not that we are in a bad place.

FishCanFly · 26/10/2018 13:57

she's 2. she won't care nor remember

TheBlueDot · 26/10/2018 14:03

I wouldn’t buy anything from me. For gifts from your DC to her, it should be their dad sorting that out. You buying gifts looks like you are interposing, your ex and his new gf might think you are interfering (rather than being kind as you think you are being).

Also what happens if no one thinks to sort out a gift from the stepsister to them? You have set the expectation that your DC will buy for their stepsister so will look petty if you stop, or more likely, your DC will notice if they don’t get anything and you are causing them unnecessary stress.

Your ex has chosen a new life. You need to let him get on with it, failing to buy presents and all, because you are no longer responsible for him. You can prompt him by sending a text saying you assume that he will sort out presents between DC and new stepsibling if you really want to, but I would avoid writing anything to him at all.

Charolais · 26/10/2018 14:12

No.

LellyMcKelly · 26/10/2018 14:14

Do you think her ex is planning on buying a present for your kid? No, and it sounds a bit weird.

Halloloween · 26/10/2018 14:15

Personally I would send something cheap and I mean cheap - like a selection box. All of £2.50ish tops to show willing and let your child address the label too (she can put your name on too if you want) that way there's something to hand over if something is there waiting for her and if not it's only a little token gift.

starfishmummy · 26/10/2018 14:16

Small gift from your DC I think. They have a relationship with her but really you don't

Aeroflotgirl · 26/10/2018 14:17

No, I would feel no obligation to this child, your ex should sort out a present, it really woulden't occur to me, to buy them a gift.

Artesia · 26/10/2018 14:19

I absolutely wouldn’t. I am divorced and would think it really odd if ExH (Ds1s dad) got gifts for Ds2 and DD, let alone for any of DP’s children (if he had any others!). It’s massively over-invested in my opinion.

scrivette · 26/10/2018 14:23

I used to but I knew them and they would sometimes come out with us when we took SS.
I think it's a nice idea, an extra gift from the family as you would a family friend.
I wouldn't spend too much though, a little toy/colouring etc so it's just a nice token.

Dollymixture22 · 26/10/2018 14:26

I would send a token gift if I had met the mother or the child. If not I wouldn’t. It’s a lovely thought, and would be nice after an introduction.

A year have a little gift ready if you are dropping them off incase you are introduced on Boxing Day?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/10/2018 14:31

Do you think her ex is planning on buying a present for your kid? No, and it sounds a bit weird

This! Wouldn’t you be a bit Confused if your daughter came home with a gift from the step sister’s dad, who she’s never met?

DailyMailFail101 · 26/10/2018 14:34

Yes I’d give a little token gift, it is nice to be nice, maybe a little pony or a little wooden train/ book nothing more than that though.

JingsMahBucket · 26/10/2018 14:39

I wouldn't do this. This kid is a stranger to you. Your ex has only been dating her mother for 6 months. Stop doing things for your exH. This isn't your (emotional) labour/wife work anymore at all. If he can't be bothered to get a gift for this new girlfriend's child, then that's his problem and maybe it'll be enough of a red flag to her to GTFO.

This is literally not your job at all. Release yourself from this duty. :)

Original poster
Waitrosesmincepies · 26/10/2018 14:40

Oh god, this is more complicated than I thought. I just thought it would be a nice thing to do. Maybe I should wait til I've met her in person, she's just moved in with him. But I'll drop the kids off on Boxing Day, so maybe I'll get a chance to say hello, and see how we get on.

Then I can decide if I still want to buy a small gift next Christmas 

OP posts:
SpannerH · 26/10/2018 14:43

Its a nice thing if you do, just remember that if you do it once it will always be expected (I fell into this trap with stepM on Mothers day when I was too young to understand to cost of 3 mothers going forward Wink ) so if you forget or stop it will be seen that you are being funny

BrokenWing · 26/10/2018 14:47

The child is your dc's step sister through a relationship with your ex and is really nothing to do with you, you are likely not to meet her often, although it may feel like you know her as you will hear about her from your dc you actually don't.

I think it would be weird and really not necessary to buy her a gift. It is your ex and his df's job to buy a gift from your dd if they think it is needed (child siblings rarely buy gifts for each other ime).

Once you start it will then be hard to stop, do you buy for Xmas, birthday, christening, etc etc. Keep buying until they are 21? What happens if they have more children.

Rudgie47 · 26/10/2018 14:47

No I wouldn't, its for your ex husband to buy something for her. I cant see really why you have to get involved. If your ex is useless then now is the time for him to step up.

MartyMcFly1984 · 26/10/2018 14:49

I would consider it weird if my step sons mum had sent a gift to our house from her. I would also think it not her job to taker her son out shopping for us when his dad (my partner) could do it. Whether he does or not is not the ex’s concern. It’s for his new partner to do/prompt/do without. Doing his shopping is not your job any more, you split.
Hope that doesn’t sound too harsh

onanothertrain · 26/10/2018 14:50

Yes. I would

ChimesAtMidnight · 26/10/2018 14:56

I would...gifts for children - isn't this what Christmas is about ? If her mother marries your children's dad wouldn't you want your kids to be treated similarly ?
After all, none of the relationship stuff is the child's fault.

Jaxhog · 26/10/2018 15:06

Well she isn't your DC's step sister - they aren't married. And the relationship is rather new - 6 months. So no.

I think it's up to to your ex to buy something for your DCs to give. Not you.

parkermoppy · 26/10/2018 15:09

If you're doing the drop off on boxing day perhaps a selectionbox or something small like that? Or whatever the equivalent is for 2 year olds if you see what I mean - more of a token gift than an actual gift

TheBlueDot · 26/10/2018 15:23

I agree it seems like a nice thing to do, but imo it’s far too interfering. Let your ex get on with it. If he doesn’t bother then it’s up to him and his new partner to sort out, you are no longer responsible for stepping up to make sure he doesn’t fall short in how he manages his family.

It is up to your ex and his partner how they manage the step-sibling relationship. Your role (IMO) is ensure your DC are able to talk to you if anything troubles them, only then should you talk to your ex about it.

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