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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what the hell I do - wedding related?

30 replies

thecatsthecats · 26/10/2018 07:50

Hello lovely mumsnetters.

First of all: daily mail - FUCK OFF YOU BOLLOCKING BUNCH OF OF WANKBADGERS.

Ahem.

So, I am due to get married in under a month. Unfortunately, we've had a couple of highly stressful events - one concerning a vendor, another more importantly of serious illness in a member of the bridal party who we're desperately worried for. On top on that, my work is very stressful at the moment.

Fiance and I keeping our spirits up though, still looking forward to our wedding, but also just worn out with everything happening and have no idea to do about the following.

So, my dilemma. Our family and friends are very spread out, so we picked a venue with lots of apartments to stay in (very cheap, and we're feeding and boozing everyone all weekend).

Three aunts, on my dad's side - A, B, C. A is very, very, very fussy and faffy - think half an hour explaining every menu option, double checking every sat nav direction on a physical map and interrupting the driver. Basically low level control frak about EVERYTHING. B is much more chilled. I don't know her very well though. C is disabled, and her care is shared by my parents and A/B mostly. Lastly there's my mum. Very far from perfect, various MH issues stemming from abuse that mean she can behave very unusually and irritatingly. I won't pretend it was easy to grow up with her, but she's much improved, is loving her new life as a grandma, and has been very helpful with the wedding.

Aunt A has somehow managed to make more fuss than the vendor or the seriously ill bridal party member. ENDLESSLY fussing about what we provide for Aunt C, even though I specifically selected a suite for them. To be honest, I think some of her requests are more about her than C.

Recently, I informed her by email that she'd have a room with C, with B and her husband, and my parents in the other rooms in the apartment. She replied nicely, then replied again saying that she was embarrassed to have included an email to Aunt B complaining about sharing with my mum, telling me not to worry about it.

Thing is, she didn't. I think she's seeing some weird email thread that shows both, because I've checked and I can't see anything. Now she says she's happy to share with my mum, but I'm not so sure.

My mum finds A stressful, but knowing I do too, she was going to shield me from her faffing. I don't think she deserves to share with someone who bitches behind her back. And I have no idea what to write back to A - who is now trying to call.

What the hell do I do? Leave arrangements as is, as my mum doesn't know? Change them so she has a nicer time? My aunt will make a THING out of that, for sure.

One thing I really, REALLY don't want to do is speak to her. I know it will upset me, and I just feel like I've dealt with enough recently. It feels so unfair when we've planned to be so accommodating and chilled this wedding and she has to make a drama out of things!

OP posts:
ladyvimes · 26/10/2018 08:02

Step back and let them sort it out themselves. This is not for you to worry about. And stop pandering to your fussy aunt.

TrippingTheVelvet · 26/10/2018 08:07

Leave it as it is. Any input from yourself will turn it into a drama.

Ohyesiam · 26/10/2018 08:11

Take a step back. Let her fuss on her own.

Jamiefraserskilt · 26/10/2018 08:12

Let mum sort any issues out with aunt. Step back. You are accommodating, feeding and watering the hoards and also trying to micromanage their behaviour, demands and outcomes.
Leave. Them. To. It.

7yo7yo · 26/10/2018 08:12

Least said soonest mended.
I would however advise them it’s your wedding and they are welcome if there’s no drama. If they spoil the wedding in any way, shape or form they will never be part of your family events again.

altiara · 26/10/2018 08:13

Leave it! Whatever you do, your aunt will make a fuss. Just accept that you’ve made the best decision you can and leave them to it. By all means get your dad to check with his sisters that everything’s fine and not to bother you while you’re busy.

Hissy · 26/10/2018 08:36

Lesson number 1 - NEVER pander to faffers.

Let Aunt flap, let her stress and leave her to it

"These are the arrangements, they suit everyone else so that's the deal. Come, don't come."

BrokenWing · 26/10/2018 08:37

Another one for leave them to sort it out themselves. Give them the hotel phone number and let them book whatever they need.

You are being very kind trying to organise their rooms and sleeping arrangements, but this just leaves you open to criticism and blame from this type of people. You will never make them all happy and from the sounds of the email confusion at least one of them is complaining behind you back. Some people just love to moan, leave them to it to sort out what makes them happy and ignore when find something else to complain about instead

Fadingmemory · 26/10/2018 08:39

Agree with stepping back. It sounds as though whatever you do your aunt will be dissatisfied. You are busy & need to concentrate on other arrangements & your OH. Leave the others to sort it out themselves. You have done all you can to accommodate others & their needs. Now they need to accommodate your needs. Have a great day.

CantWaitToRetire · 26/10/2018 08:42

You say these aunts are on your dad's side, so presumably his sisters? Explain to your dad that you've enough to stress about and ask him to step in and sort them out.

I hope your wedding goes well OP, and the issues get resolved.

3luckystars · 26/10/2018 08:47

Dont give it another thought.

No matter what you do, your aunt won't be happy. Picture yourself doing the most extreme thing possible to please her, and she still will have a problem. Then laugh at it.

If yourself and your husband have a good time, then everyone else do have a good time.

Good luck.

thecatsthecats · 26/10/2018 08:51

Ha, I will gladly accept doing nothing!

However, two things:

BrokenWing - unfortunately it isn't a hotel - it's a venue you hire out entirely, people pay us directly, and we sort people into the shared apartments. 99% of people make this a lot less faff than it sounds - lots of apartments of different sizes and configurations, options for families etc. But we have to put people into sensible configurations ourselves. (very cheap though!)

All others - when you say 'leave it' do you mean 'ignore her calls and don't reply to her email'? Because although I'm happy to leave the arrangement as is, I think that will cause more drama than some brilliant reply that smooths it over and puts an end to this episode of her fussing. I suppose she is catastrophising over what I might be saying to other family members etc.

FYI I'm not usually like this! I've been handling all sorts of shit from much more difficult people and situations (e.g. got raved and ranted at by the company bully who I now manage, whose behaviour hasn't been addressed for year, and confronted him with it - tame as a pussycat now). I've been a very chill planner, and I think I've just run out of my 'handling shit' mojo. Used it all up on the real problems!

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 26/10/2018 08:53

Oh, and I haven't done very much to try to please this aunt - she called me to complain that the date messed up her Christmas shopping plans Hmm and that she wasn't sure about any of the three menu options!

I mean, you can't pander to someone that batshit, can you?

OP posts:
Hobbes8 · 26/10/2018 08:55

Just reply to her email with something like “no worries. See you at the wedding”. Add a passive aggressive smiley face if you like!

And then don’t give it another thought.

NoSquirrels · 26/10/2018 08:56

I expect it’s a gmail thing where her preferences are showing all the people she’s forwarded/replied to, even if she did everything correctly. And as a faffer she’s paranoid about it.

Just reply to the email to say “That’s OK, Aunt A, I hadn’t seen anything about Mum mentioned but as long as you’re all happy with the arrangements then no need to worry. I won’t mention anything or change anything. So busy with things - gosh, everyone says weddings are stressful but looking forward to the big day and celebrating with you all (and the honeymoon, I must admit!) Love thecats”

Then leave them to it and put it from your mind.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 26/10/2018 08:56

Email her back just confirming that their accommodation is now arranged and everything is in hand- politely draw a line under it by saying that you’ll see her at Christmas or something.

Then I’d tell your dad that he needs to field any follow up concerns rather than you.

cheesefield · 26/10/2018 09:06

Reply:

"I have not seen any other email, so don't worry about it. Speak to Dad if you want to discuss any arrangements further as I will be largely uncontactable for the next few weeks due to the ongoing planning and work. See you at the wedding X"

thecatsthecats · 26/10/2018 09:07

NoSquirrels that's what I thought.

Those replies sound great.

I think the thing getting in the way of me coming up with something like that was a) not wanting her to get away with faffy bollocksy behaviour and inflict it on my mum, and b) not knowing what she said - which was probably far milder than where my imagination goes, and Aunt B probably rolled her eyes at.

OP posts:
cheesefield · 26/10/2018 09:15

If she is your Dad's sister why can't he deal with her? Why does your Mum have to?

GemmeFatale · 26/10/2018 09:16

See I have no patience with this sort of behaviour.

Aunt A, you seem to be so unhappy with the arrangements for the wedding. We won’t be offended if you don’t come. Love TheCats

CaptSkippy · 26/10/2018 09:24

Agree with posters above. Don't make any changes and eithe field issues through your dad or send "soothin" non-commitent answers that are slighly passive-aggressive. Something along the line of "I understand your concern and we appreciate you coming to the wedding".

:Evil Hat On:
Maybe even make an email draft with a standard answer that you send to her in reply every time you get an email from her.
:Evil Hat Off:

thecatsthecats · 26/10/2018 09:26

Cheesefield

Sorry, phrased it badly. They'll both be in the same apartment (different bedrooms), so both will be present to 'deal' with her, shield me from it, I'm just a bit more focussed on my mum's part in it due to this situation. Aunt A has already made sniffy comments to me to about his failure to kowtow to her demands.

My Dad's take on the whole wedding (before this - he doesn't know, they've been on holiday) was that 'it's going to be a lovely day, and no one's allowed to be grumpy'.

OP posts:
LizzieBennettDarcy · 26/10/2018 09:35

For the love of God why on earth are you giving this headspace??!?!??!

Next call or email, you politely say "I'm so stressed over all of the arrangements that I cannot physically or mentally deal with what you are asking of me right now. All that matters to me is that you are at my wedding and it's going to be a great weekend". And repeat. Over and over if you have to.

In the scheme of it all, tbh, it's a load of utterly irrelevant bullshit and not worth it. Hope you have a lovely wedding Flowers

AdamNichol · 26/10/2018 09:37

I used to work at a small stately home that did wedding catering. Seemed like a natural choice for my wedding. Then came the fuss. The whos in and whos out, who sits with who. Blah blah blah.

Around the same time, F-I-L and M-I-L wanted to pay for a family holiday to Disney World; at the time S-I-L had a 5 and 2 yr old, me and DW2B were invited to come as well.

So, we decided to book a venue in Orlando and sent an open invitation - you need to find flights and accommodation, but let us know and you can come. 13 attended in the end.

Our philosophy behind this: This is our day, to be celebrated our way, to our wishes. By all means come and enjoy with us. If anything's not to your liking, there's a plane back home shortly I'm sure.

Your wedding. Your day. Other people's demands matter less than the choice of font on the invites.

OzzyMadBat · 26/10/2018 09:45

Okay, I know I shouldn't feel sorry for her but I do.
She sounds as inept with computers as I am and I remember hating 'conversation' e-mail threads when I first started getting them.
She's slated your mum a bit and is now mortified, hence trying to call you as she knows she shouldn't have written it and has been caught out. Except she hasn't. Revenge already served, the silly moo.
no squirrels has the best reply, adding from cheesefield about speaking to your Dad if you want her to not contact you any more about anything ever ;-)

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