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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my DH that he’s a boring narcissist?

48 replies

Ivygarden · 25/10/2018 22:35

Just got home from dinner party with two other couples. DH starting a new job soon and literally bored people shitless about the ins and outs of new role etc. He talked at one lady for approximately 2 hours (everyone else had politely looked away and started own conversations). Honestly, I didn’t know whether to nudge DH and tell him he was no doubt boring the tits off this lady. Feeling so embarrassed at his complete lack of social skills. It will go down like a lead balloon if I say something. Should I? Doubt we’ll be invited back there in a hurry anyway...

OP posts:
Mwnci123 · 25/10/2018 22:36

Is he always/ often like that?

Original poster
Ivygarden · 25/10/2018 22:37

Yes. I think he is a bit. Perhaps not as bad as now as he has big changes afoot but he’s not great at listening. More talking. At people. 😬

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/10/2018 22:38

What a miserable life for you

What keeps you with him ?

AfterSchoolWorry · 25/10/2018 22:38

Maybe he has undiagnosed autism?

Mwnci123 · 25/10/2018 22:40

If it's a long term problem maybe deal with when you are feeling calm and constructive. It sounds like hard work OP.

Original poster
Ivygarden · 25/10/2018 22:40

@Afterschool
Feel like everyone is somewhere along that spectrum

OP posts:
OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 25/10/2018 22:43

Maybe he has undiagnosed autism?

Why, oh why, does everything have to be because of some sort of missed diagnosis on MN?

More likely he is just a social bore. Or very excited about his new job, the novelty will wear off. My DH can be the same, I just tell him to stop.

Mwnci123 · 25/10/2018 22:45

As far as feeling embarrassed goes, it was him not you- people will make that distinction despite you being a couple. I expect that still feels lousy, sorry, but you don't actually have anything to feel personally embarrassed about.

Original poster
Ivygarden · 25/10/2018 22:47

@Mwnci123
That’s a good point. Thank you.

OP posts:
Budgieinaberet · 25/10/2018 22:52

Maybe he's just a twat

Rainbunny · 25/10/2018 22:52

My friend's dh is like this, he will drone on for ages about things like motorcycle maintenance! The worst part is that he lectures people as well, god forbid you might actually know more about some subject than he does, he simply doesn't believe anyone knows more about anything than he does. I can't stand him actually although he regarded as a bit of a joke by our circle of friends. He has pretty much lectured everyone at some point about a topic that they actually know far better than him (I'm a lawyer and yes he has lectured me at length (incorrectly) about legal matters...) When he and his wife had children they almost got divorced because he was hyper critical of how she performed every single parenting task, including her breastfeeding technique! Both their dc have been diagnosed with autism and suddenly his behaviour made a lot more sense but he's still an arrogant arsehole whether he is on the spectrum or not.

Theknacktoflying · 25/10/2018 22:53

Just being socially awkward? I ramble a bit.

Was there a reason why you couldn’t have stepped in and diffused the situation? My DH and I have a signal ... or a phrase ... a bit like a dog whistle if we need or think the other half need a kick ..

ShirleyPhallus · 25/10/2018 22:54

What is his job?

If he’s a stunt driver maybe dinner party lady was interested

If he’s in insurance then probably not...

Twork · 25/10/2018 22:58

It's tough to not make him feel bad though and like someone said, he's probably really excited.

Next time you could jokingly say something (eg "quite enough work talk mrivy. We're meant to be having fun!") or just change the subject (eg "oh that reminds me; did you see on the news...").

I can be boring. I don't mean to but I'm v socially awkward and find it easier to stick to stuff I know and then I can't seem to stop when people start glazing over or looking over my shoulder.

It doesn't make me a bad person and I'd be so upset if my partner saw this happening and was really embarrassed but didn't step in to help.

JoyfulMystery · 25/10/2018 23:05

I know how irritating it is to have armchair diagnoses thrown around by internet strangers, but my father is autistic, and one of the many ways in which it manifests itself is his lengthy monologues which take no account whatsoever of the inappropriateness of the topic for the moment or their audience.

He once talked — I timed him — to two bored but polite total strangers in a car park for 22 minutes straight about his dental work, having discovered they shared the same dentist. Another time, I phoned my parents from overseas to give them some news about a medical diagnosis I’d been worried about, and having told my mother, she handed the phone to my father, who proceeded to deliver a lengthy monologue about the toaster he’d just just had repaired, despite the fact that I didn’t say a single word because it occurred to me this wasn’t normal (he wasn’t yet diagnosed) to greet some important news with a quarter of an hour delivery of the technical detail of how toasters work. It’s as if he doesn’t have theory of mind to think ‘The person I am talking to can’t possibly want to hear this’.

I was visiting from abroad with my six year old recently, and called with DS and my father to say goodbye to my PiLs before we left for the airport. My ILs were playing with DS and saying goodbye to him, as they won’t see again him till Christmas, and were a little bit sad and trying to play as much with him as they could, and my father was literally following my poor FIL around the house telling him about some subscription discount for chronic health conditions, as FIL trying to focus on playing with DS and his toy cars.

It’s absolutely exhausting.

HouseOnTheLake · 25/10/2018 23:07

As far as feeling embarrassed goes, it was him not you- people will make that distinction despite you being a couple.

It's really lovely of you to make OP feel better about it all but, if I'm honest, I do judge the other half of narcissistic social bores. Blush I typically think:

  1. Why aren't they stepping in, saying something like: "come on, darling, you're boring poor Jane?"
  1. If they have married this overbearing dullard they must like their conversation-hogging ways (especially if they don't jump in to rescue me). In fact, sometimes I look for that subtle look on their face of 'grr, here we go again' but often they look delighted to see their 'charming' DH wax lyrical yet again about something that no one cares about.

I'd tell him, OP. 2 hours of droning on is ridiculous and he probably ruined that poor person's night. If I was making a fool of myself, I'd want my husband to gently tell me!

HouseOnTheLake · 25/10/2018 23:10

Goodness me, @JoyfulMystery I'm sure your DF a lovely man in other ways but how does your poor mother cope?

Shoxfordian · 25/10/2018 23:10

He has no social skills and he's boring. This does not make him autistic
Doubt this is the first time he's done it

MistressoftheYoniverse · 25/10/2018 23:11

I would have stepped in and saved that lady Grin...he's probably excited and wanted to share...some people need to just be told when they are being boring..if your relationship is honest you should just tell him..he's not bad ...boring is not bad...but you never know the person may have been genuinely interested at least at first ...be open...laugh...no one is perfect..tell him how you feel...if you don't talk about it he will never know

Etino · 25/10/2018 23:12

@JoyfulMystery, that’s a really insightful description, thank you.
@Ivygarden, I guess you have to decide where your loyalties lie and whether you have any responsibility to manage your dh’s behaviour.
As others have said, it’s him, not you and I’d certainly not change my opinion of anyone based on their partner’s behaviour. And the woman was a fully functioning adult? Capable of moving away? Tell him if you really can’t bear it or if it’s impacting your life, but not out of concern for randomers at a dinner party.

Etino · 25/10/2018 23:16

@Houseonthelake
‘If I was making a fool of myself, I'd want my husband to gently tell me!’
I’d be mortified. And I’ve read many threads on here where a partner’s comment or wish for a woman to change is seen as a massive red flag.

Mwnci123 · 25/10/2018 23:21

I honestly wouldn't judge the partner, House. I would be more likely to feel bad for her, TBH.

I agree that it would be better to talk about it, and would similarly want my dh to break it to me (gently as possible!) if I'd been seriously socially inept. Having said that, if this is a long term problem and he is likely to respond badly, I don't think the best approach would be to let loose when feeling (perfectly reasonably) pissed off.

HouseOnTheLake · 25/10/2018 23:22

@Ethno
Don't get me wrong, I'd be upset and embarrassed that my DH had seen a side of me so unsavoury that he felt the need to let me know. But in the long run, I'd rather that than continue with an unsocial behaviour that everyone could see except me.

I think it's all in the delivery. Saying something like "wow, you really chewed poor Jane's ear off tonight! She won't be asking about your job again any time soon!" with a laugh and a grin would go down much better than a stern "Sit down, we need to talk about your behaviour tonight..."

HouseOnTheLake · 25/10/2018 23:28

You sound like a lovely person, Mwnci123! I grew up with a DF with narcissistic characteristics, constantly having to put up with tall tales of his heroics, my only input in the conversation being to heap praise on him while simultaneously zoning out. I think it grates on me more than most so I now have little time for people like that. I guess I would see the DP as complicit if they didn't make any attempt to reel him in, but I suppose that's probably my own issue.

Coyoacan · 25/10/2018 23:36

I sounds like you don't like your husband, OP. I would never in a million years tell someone they were a boring narcistic, how cruel can you get?