AIBU to tell my DH that he’s a boring narcissist?

[Ivygarden]

Just got home from dinner party with two other couples. DH starting a new job soon and literally bored people shitless about the ins and outs of new role etc. He talked at one lady for approximately 2 hours (everyone else had politely looked away and started own conversations). Honestly, I didn’t know whether to nudge DH and tell him he was no doubt boring the tits off this lady. Feeling so embarrassed at his complete lack of social skills. It will go down like a lead balloon if I say something. Should I? Doubt we’ll be invited back there in a hurry anyway...

Why, oh why, does everything have to be because of some sort of missed diagnosis on MN?

Not sure about everything, but in this case it's a reasonable question to ask when someone is showing clear signs of having difficulties with the basics of social communication.

My DH used to be like this. He just loves to talk, his whole family does. His stories aren't boring but he will often tell the same ones over and over to the same people over time.

I eventually sat him down after a bbq with friends and told it to him straight. He's not one to get easily offended and had no idea he was that bad. He asked me to give him a subtle nudge or 'look' if he starts rambling too much and he has become much more aware of himself now.

He has now discovered the art of listening and is much more fun at gatherings.

God that sounds hard house. I have someone massively garrulous in my life and I think if I lived with him I would have pushed him down the stairs by now, and he's otherwise a decent person!

I wouldn't judge the partner of someone like this but it also depends on how the partner reacts. The friend I mentioned in my post above who is married to a man like this has developed a pretty thick skin to deal with his embarrassing behaviour. This approach backfires on her sometimes when she appears to be blase despite the fact that her dh has managed to insult several guests in the course of the evening - and he does insult people when he's lecturing at them and they dare to politely correct him about something he has misstated, he effectively tells people they are uninformed. God I even remember him telling a doctor that his knowledge was outdated on some medical topic (the doctor was correct, friend's arrogant dh was talking bollocks.) TBH if I didn't happen to know that my friend is just waiting until her kids are older to divorce him, I would probably be a bit judgey about her blase attitude to his behaviour.

Maybe ask him what he learned about Alice in that two hour conversation. When he says ‘nothing’, then ask him what he talked about, it might be a spark for realisation that conversations are a two way thing and it was rather one-sided.

Maybe he has undiagnosed autism?

Many rude, self-obsessed people are not autistic
Many polite good listeners are autistic

Maybe ask him what he learned about Alice in that two hour conversation. When he says ‘nothing’, then ask him what he talked about, it might be a spark for realisation that conversations are a two way thing and it was rather one-sided.

That's a good idea. If he's self-aware enough, it might give him food for thought.

Often you see the partners making a merry escape and enjoying the party without having to listen to their partner banging on - the other guest is the sacrificial lamb.

Yes I’d tell him but I’m wondering what else he does for you to have decided he’s a narcissist...

I addressed this with my DH last year. I went straight to the heart of it. I told him his button-holing of people at social events was counter-productive.

I was betting that his motivation was to look/sound clever, knowledgeable and ‘with it’. I told him it actually made him look/sound older than his years. That it’s obvious when someone rabbits on at you, that they’re just trying to convince themselves of their worth. People figure that anyone who listens so little, couldn’t possibly be expert on anything. And that the only thing that’s ever made someone walk away from a conversation thinking ‘what a great guy’ is when they feel heard and that someone finds them knowledgeable and compelling.

I told him that every social group has a bore. Either he tunes into the room to discover who it is, or he can award himself that prize.

It worked on my DH. He certainly doesn’t want to be seen as boorish or old or pathetic. He picked up his game enormously, and takes it well when I give him the nudge or whisk his conversation ‘partner’ away.

I think men often fall into this trap, especially if their self-esteem is suffering. Generalising further, women are prone to it only after a few drinks or when the words ‘ex husband’ are uttered (by anyone!).

You have to tell him to reign it in, girl! My husband can be a bit like that and he tends to talk quickly. When the conversation is coming to a natural end, he'll rev it up again.

I've told him many times and also said I don't like going anywhere with him where there will be either people, I feel embarrassed. He takes it on board and tries (until the next time). He's lovely though and people do like him.

However it is terribly embarrassing, probably more for you than anyone else. The others may have zoned out or not minded as much as you but still, I would mention it - strongly.

You should tell him, but in a gentle and jokey way. Don’t use the words “boring” and “narcissist”. Could you make a joke about Alice’s ears being worn out or something? That’s what I say to my DH, he has a tendency to do this too (but he knows he does it...)

By the way, be careful. This sort of thing (and shrugging about it and letting it happen) can quickly erode the respect you have for a partner. It’s not like putting up with other flaws, like not picking up sodden towels, or spending too long on their hobby.

It’s a constant, public confirmation that he doesn’t give a shit about you, your team, the family reputation or any damn person but himself. At least, that’s how it feels. And it poisons your leisure time with friends, times that should be about relaxing. When the ‘good times’ are regularly ruined for you, resentment grows fast.

Shrug it off at your peril. It won’t take long before it pushes you to a tipping point. And they get worse with age. Nip it in the bud, however you can. It’s unlikely to resolve itself.

I have relative through marriage like this. We used to work for the same company and every family event she wanted to speak and moan about work for hours. She seemed completely unaware that the person she was speaking to had switched off a good half an hour previously. Her husband used to publicly shhhh her which came across so much worse. They are not a couple we socialise with really.
Funnily enough I often thought she might have some problems with social interactions. She would ignore you and never say hi until you made the effort to start conversation and then she would never let you go.

This does sound like he's on the spectrum and just struggles socially.

I work with a woman like this,bores the bones off everyone around her with the me,me,me.It is very grating,nobody dare start a conversation with her.Also if i’ve been to Tenerife,she’s been to Elevenirife’.Has he always been like this OP?

My husband does this though generally his chosen topic is one that interests people but he does dominate the conversation almost 80/20%. He has lots of friends though and is well liked & respected socially and professionally but his reputation for never shutting up precedes him. If I am with him in social situations and I think the other person is bored/ not able to get a word in, I now jokingly ask them if they need rescuing. Luckily my husband can laugh at himself so doesn't get offended. Can your husband take a joke? If so, I would put his victims out of their misery with humour. If it's time to go home I will literally announce to the room that we need to relieve our baby sitter and physically drag DH from the room otherwise without extreme intervention he's always the last man standing.

The times I've tried to tell DH about his embarrassing social moments and suggested he talk less/ listen more, he's taken it very personally and got offended / felt I was ashamed of him... so I think these things are best addressed in the moment.

My DH sometimes goes on a bit. I may have occasionally said to my DH "Sweetie, are you mansplaining?"

Sometimes he asks me to help him not bore on. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't want to do his emotional labour for him, so I tell him it's his job tonight. He does try.

@House, my mother doesn’t know any different — they’re in their 70s, and have been a couple since they were 18 and 20 — is a shy and fairly socially-isolated person, and thinks ‘oh, men are just like that’. She’s completely baffled by my DH, who isn’t a chronic monologist.

My dad is lovely in many ways, but it would have been much easier for me and my siblings if he’d been diagnosed earlier, or if my mother had intervened in the monologues ever. We all grew up with the idea that we were less important than small technical issues, and that he didn’t care if wr’d all heard it countless times before.

My oh can be a bit like this. Since having kids we have discovered our ypungest is low functioning autistic and our eldest is also on the spectrum. Our health visitor actually pointed out my oh is likely on the spectrum. He likes very much to get his point across. Can sound a little rude to some but he really isnt its just the way he talks. Very forthright. Everything is black and white theres no happy medium with him. Ive found a gentle nudge and telling him to chill out and then and understanding eye roll to the person hes talking to usually does the trick. He is such a sweet thoughtful snd wonderful oh, he is just a bit socially inept.

That sort of thing infuriates me. Something really exciting and life changing happened recent;y,in DS’s life (see my username!). I told a friend who has known DS for years and after one sentence she spent the the next 15 minutes talking about something peripherally linked in her own life years earlier. And some one who used to be a good friend when Chen lived nearby visited recently -,hadn’t seen her for years. Told her about DS - her life is, to be vague so as not to out any of us, closely linked with what DS is doing but again, one sentence about him then the rest of the visit about her! Grr! And this was extra special about DS. (nothing like this, but think first starring role in a tv drama. Even if he were to become the toast of Hollywood in years to come, this would be a special moment)

Christ! I married a bigamist.

Big generalisation* here but often women have a better EQ than men which means there will probably be a higher proportion of men rather than women not getting it that they are boring the pants off everyone in the room or making an inappropriate comment.

I think you need to use your own EQ to work out how best to get your partner to adjust their behaviour. It could be bluntly explaining or it could be walking him up to a realisation... plenty of good suggestions from the other commentators to consider. I personally would be inclined to think that somebody who doesn't have the self-awareness to realise their being boring, might have a thick skin, so subtle may not be an option haha

(*i am aware that there are plenty of self-aware men thank you v much but it is true scientifically about EQ and i'm sure their are loads of women like this too)