Oh my godddd help me get my evenings back 😭

[RunningWhileTheWorldBurns]

Two daughters. Ages 4 and 1.

Four year old - requires me to read her stories and the lie on her bed until she falls asleep. I do this every single night. She takes the utter mick. Tosses and turns and chats etc so I’m lying there till gone 9pm and my night is as good as over. Hysterical when I suggest that we change this pattern.

One year old. Hell raiser. DH deals with her of an evening. Needs rocked till she’s sleeping. Will fight sleep till the very end. Process can take hours. DH is out tonight and I have rocked and rocked her but she is just fighting me. I have put her down in her cot for a breather (wanted to see if she would self settle - she does in nursery for the record ) and she is pacing her cot singing.

Four year old DD is crying because I’m refusing to lie on her bed til one year old pisstaker is asleep. Both beyond exhausted by the way.

I can’t take this any more. Please helpp

Snap, OP... haven’t cracked it but you’re not alone! My 4yo DD goes to sleep with audiobooks, my childminder suggested that and it’s been a good distraction for her as she doesn’t like the dark but can’t sleep with any lights on. 1yo is getting four teeth atm and I think she’s been awake since Tuesday. I’m slowly going mad...

Bloody hell it all sounds so familiar!

DC1 is 4 yrs old, recently started reception and now seems capable of epic teenage strops.

They want somebody to lie next to them til they fall asleep, delay tactics employed constantly etc

Also keep asking for more milk- we've got it down to a cup at bedtime, sometimes if it's v bad they need a bottle & teat (we really must knock this habit on the head!)

DC2 is only 10 weeks so only tiny, for the last few weeks they have been sleeping like an angel but now it's impossible to get them settled without huge amounts of tummy rubbing & white nose blaring.

To cap it all, DH is in the USA on business for 10 days so will not return til next week 

Really cannot wait for DC1 to get back to school as well

Rant over, need 

Wow...Am I the only one who just leaves 2.5year old DS in his room, in bed, lights out and doesn't wait till he falls asleep?
He will sometimes play with his toys but most of the time asleep within 20minutes...We are downstairs..We have been leaving him forever...

be gone!

OK, so let them get on with it. They will both tire themselves out eventually. They have to know you mean business.

@WhiteCat1704 you are so right.

Blimey OP you’ve made a rod for your own back with those routines. Your DDs are ruling the house! Time to get tough and leave them to it. You need some consistent rules around bedtime that you stick to. Maybe with some sort of reward system. Parenting is all about 4 B’s - bribery, bargaining, blackmail and boundaries.

4 year old - try this: ogradywellbeing.com/services/child-sleep/
Our DC went from being angel at bedtime to a fecking nightmare about that age. As explained in the link, their imagination develops around this time which can bring nighttime anxieties. Gradual withdrawal did work well and surprisingly quickly. We're not 100% back to the halcyon days of a kiss good night and leaving him but we're now only 20 mins sat next door and a couple of checks.
1 yr old - sorry can't suggest anything for that one except maybe modify same technique? Our DC was still angel at that age, we very much had it all later!

I was the same White I never sat with my DS until he fell asleep, it was cot, lights out & shut door (& own room ), maybe I was just incredibly lucky to have a child who self settled but I assumed that's what all parents did, not until I joined Mumsnet did I see all of these night time dramas. I guess it must get harder & harder to leave an older child who has never known how to self settle.
(Don't mean to sound smug, there are lots of other aspects of parenting that I really struggle with).

With the 4 year old I would lie down with her in the bed reading ( just one book ) then a little chat and cuddle ( 5 mins max ) then night night and leave the room. I would introduce a chart if she stays in her room with no shouting and requesting things she can have a tick. After 5 ticks she can choose a little treat. New pj’s ? Hot water bottle ? With the baby try just going back in and saying shush shush and leaving if she starts crying go back in after 2 mins then 5 then 10. Good luck and be consistent x

I know the feeling, I would end up fast asleep beside ds, and dh would feel neglected, no wonder ds is an only child!

Start your new routine over the weekend and get dh to help. It will get better.

We had to wean my dd off of me lying beside her until she fell asleep. She had me run ragged. Endless questions, needing a drink or needing a wee. We did it gradually.
Chose story's for the night, went to bathroom, then said I would lie down for a few minutes after, read stories, then it was time to say good night. Progressed to a story and then good night.
She protested at first and took a while to settle with lots of putting her back to bed.
Fortunately her younger db settled with little to no trouble....so I had the energy to deal with her demands.
I really feel for you, it's not easy but if you are firmer with her you'll benefit in the long run.

Ragwort and White I think you’ve been very lucky to have babies/toddlers/children that self settle.
DS is 2 now, he used to feed to sleep until he was one-ish then everyone assured us that if we stoppped that he’d sleep better, but then he needed rocking and cuddles, at about 16 months we did hardcore putting him in his cot and letting him settle himself. For 2 week he raged, screamed and cried himself to sleep even with us in the room offering comfort just refusing to lift him out of the cot. We finally cracked that but got stuck with staying in the room. He’s now 2 and will go to bed and stay in bed and settle himself to sleep as long as one of us is in the room. If we leave he gets hugely upset and it takes forever again. The problem is that from lights out to sleeping is typically at least 30 mins. In this time he’s not chatting or messing about, just tossing and turning in the bed trying to go to sleep - I don’t think it’s fair to upset him by leaving when it’s rsally not his fault he can’t go to sleep sooner.
St nursery he naps on the mats with all the other toddlers but on a bad day will still need one of his favourite staff members to lay with him for a bit, he just seems to find it hard to sleep.
I was worried we’d done it wrong somewhere when my cousin kept posting pictures of her great sleeper who’d fallen asleep in some random place again but she’s just had a second that at 3 or 4 months old is still hard to settle and waking every 20 minutes at night - treated just the same....
Anyway, I finally have snoring so I’m off!

I never got this right to my everlasting shame. DD was 2 when second DD was born. Youngest DD would make herself sick every night if I left her room, she actually rotted the carpet doing it, but poor little 2 year old DD would always want more stories and I would lose the plot with her. They are teenagers now and I utterly regret not getting it under control and giving both girls equal time.

As others have said you need to set a clear bedtime routine for both and stick to it.

This is what I do with my almost 4yr old.
Cartoons after dinner for a set 1 or 2 episodes
Calming bubble bath
Into pjs, dim lights if possible (a lamp, nightlight or dimmer on the main light works well) So room is dark.
Other parent comes in and says a quick good night.
1 ‘long’ or 2 ‘short’ bed time stories - sounds silly but lower your voice as you tell it and turn off any background noise.
2 nursery songs
Kisses goodnight. I then sit in my own room listening out for him.

If my son leaves I take him back to his room ‘come on sweetheart bedtime’ then hug and kiss. 2nd time ‘come on back to bed’ and take him back, 3rd and subsequent times I take him by the hand put him to bed and don’t speak keep, repeating the last step (alternating with dh helps too).

For the 1 year old I would do similar but lie them down as they’re in the cot.

It may take time but you need to be firm in your resolve and consistent. It will be tough the first few nights but then it will get easier. Would also suggest putting them to bed at a consistent bed time and perhaps earlier than you currently do as it sounds like they may be both overtired.

I know how tiring it can be but I promise you this works, the few times I have had issues it’s because I’ve let the routine slip or he’s gone to bed too late and as soon as I get back into routine again things significantly start improving. My bedtime routine takes 30mins now.

Hope this helps and works for you- you can definitely do this and with both children. Good luck to you and your DH. You’ve got this xx

I put DS in bed, close the door, and see what he does. If he’s not crying, I leave him to it. If he cries, I pick him up, give a quick hug and lie him back down with a cheery ‘night night’ and leave again. I’ve never left him to cry. Yes, there were torturous weeks of having to go in 27 times whilst we sorted it, but after about 6 weeks, it clicked and now he goes off to sleep pretty much as soon as I pop him down.

You seem to have got into the mindset that the only 2 options are do whatever they want, or leave them to cry and it’s just not the case.

This has given me flashbacks.

Maybe let the the eldest dd stay up a bit later on the provision shes a big girl.But when she goes up to bed 1 story,settle and no out of bed.

If she does then its back to the same time as the youngest.Might take a few nights.Good luck.

I never read to DC in bed. Bedtime stories read just before bedtime and before putting DC to bed. Bed is for sleeping and not reading or play.
If more settling time is needed use story CDs set at a low volume. The same familiar stories are very comforting to a child.

Give her 1 story. Her choice. And then a 10 minute cuddle.

Let dd2 sing and pace her cot. She obviously has gone past her sleep cues.

Stop being a wet blanket. You can't moan about not having time but then don't make any time for yourself.

Mines asleep in our bed. I couldn’t deal with the arguing. Assuming one of us is going to be in the spare room tonight.

The rocking has become a sleep crutch, it needs to stop or you'll end up with a 10 year old that needs to be rocked to sleep.

I do the same as WhiteCat1704. We get pyjamas on and read a book downstairs then up into bed, say goodnight, all lights out and leave.
I've never read in bed with them as once your with them they don't like seeing you leave.
You need to tough it out for a few nights and have mininal interaction after bedtime. It will be tough but otherwise you could still be doing this in 5 years. Best of luck.

white that’s exactly what happened for my DC 1 and 2. DC 3? Not a hope... not treated any differently, just different kids and different needs.

Let them stay up later, neither are ready for bed. Have them downstairs with you playing, reading or whatever until they can't keep their eyes open, then carry them up to bed, asleep.

Explain to the older one in advance: Now you're a bigger girl, after bath I'm going to read you a story and then you're going to go to sleep by yourself. Then do it - story time limited to 20 mins, then give her a quick cuddle, tuck her up, lights off, leave. Every night, without fail. Younger one - bath, milk, bed, quick cuddle, lights off, leave.

In my experience (twins now teenagers) they have to learn to settle themselves and the art of going to sleep by themselves is also a learned skill. Otherwise you'lre never get your evenings back. If they don't manage to learn this they will struggle to sleep without you there. I know it's tough but stay firm.