What the f**k do we do now?

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Been with DH 10 years, DSS 11. Happy adjusted boy, loves spending times with us. Very stable house, good jobs, own home, comfortable life, very social + sport oriented.
DH's ex, chaotic, messy life, many rental moves, multiple partners, court cases with ex's (business related), domestic violence with her parents.
All that aside, had as good as could be expected relationship with DSS's mum. Celebrated occasions together for the sake of DSS.
Agreed 6 months ago for month long holiday with DSS. All parties happy, agreed etc.
all of a sudden DSS, refusing to come to see us. (Blaming fear of flying, doesn't want to discuss holiday in 6 weeks)
At the same time DSS's mother proclaimed she had serious heath scare and needs us to prove we can be a real family to DSS if anything was to happen to her(To us, not to DC)
Now DSS is refusing to see us at agreed times, saying he hates his DD, hates us both that his DD has never been a dad to him and wants nothing to do with him.
DH is lost, I can't speak to DSS'a mum without a torrent of abuse. What the F**k do we do now?

Can you speak with his school, emphasising that you're not wanting them to take sides/mediate/disclose anything they shouldn't.
Explain how you're worried about DSS's change in behaviour and whether the serious health issue with his DM is affecting him at school?

He's apparently had detention for poor behaviour- most unlike him !!

Something serious is going on by the sounds of it...

It sounds like he is worried about his mum. It sounds like she has had a difficult time also. I am not sure why you feel the need to compare yourself to her though

I'd just leave it and stay out of this drama.
Its upto your husband to tell his son, that hes there for him and always welcome etc. He cant force his son to visit him. He needs to leave the door open and hopefully his son will come round in time. I think he will because he will want his gifts at Christmas.

are you in the UK OP ?

I agree something is very wrong here... and cannot be ignored.. Dad needs to know what has triggered this change .. I'd be asking Dad to speak to the School ... and let them involve broach the issue if any... something has triggered this change OP...could be emotional hormonal or maybe he's just having an off week.. but I wouldn't ignore it.. it may make him feel nobody cares.. I hope the lad is okay..

I'd get Dad to contact school and let his concerns be known.

Sounds like Mum is going through major drama. And keep in contact with him even if it's a text to say we love you every few days.

I would guess it might have something to do with his mum being ill. he's quite possibly not been told the whole story about it, may think things are being kept from him, may have overheard people talking about what happens if he has to live with you if something happens to his Mum.He could well be really terrified that she is going to die, and not wanting to go on holiday will be because he doesn't want to leave her alone.
When a child fears losing/has lost a parent - it is quite common for them to take out their fear and anger on the other parent, some sort of underlying fear they may lose them too, so they push and push to test the parent out (obviously he won;t be aware he is doing this)
We had awful behavioural problems with my son when he was about 13 and I was seriously ill, it took a lot of reassurance and listening to his fears and encouraging him to express them for him to get back to his old self.
It is very hard for a child to say out loud to a parent who is ill 'I'm scared you might die' so all that fear and emotion has to come out some other way.

Quick and dramatic changes of behaviour don't come from nowhere, it usually a sign something has happened/ing or things that were already unhealthy but they were too young to react to are coming to the surface because they are old enough to know better that what they thought was normal isn't.
Puberty might be acting as a catalyst/exasperater too as hormones will be surging

That doesn't help you both really I'm afraid.

If this was my child I'd/husband be doing as mentioned above and having a non accusatory conversation with the school to see if they know anything.

I'd/husband also be reassuring him that no matter what I'm there for him nothing could ever change that he is always always welcome and when he's ready you'll listen

Is it possible that she has claimed that, in the event something happened to her, DSS wouldn't be welcomed to live with you and he's feeling rejected?

If holiday is a month long departing in 6 weeks then it sounds as if DSS will be away from his mum all over Christmas and possibly New Year.
Could this now be affecting him?

Also, is his mum's health scare life limiting? So sorry to ask this but if so then his DM may have had a conversation with him explaining, should the worst happen, DSS would have to live with his Dad and partner. I wonder, if in his young mind, he feels if he doesn't visit with you it will keep his mum safe from harm and subsequently he won't have to move. 🤔

11 is such a difficult age for any major upheavals! Just trying to think what may be going through a confused 11 yr old's mind.😢. (Bless him.) So difficult for you both though. Really wishing you the best of luck with this.

Poor DSS! Sounds as though he is worried that his mum may die from her health problems. This will have rocked him to his core.

I think your DH needs to meet with his ex (without DSS) and find out more about her ill health and what has DSS been told about it. If she is seriously ill, then they need to work together to manage the situation well, and support dss through it.

It would be wise to speak to the school and make them aware of the circumstances and that dss may believe (rightly or wrongly) that his mum is terminally ill.

It seems very worrying that he has suddenly stopped all contact with you both, out of the blue for you anyway. Does she definitely have something wrong with her, do you know that for sure ?

Could it be that she is now upset about him going away for a long time with you so has told him she is ill? Could be nothing of the kind but possible if she has cold feet about it and couldn’t think of any other way of keeping him with her instead of going on holiday with you.

How is the relationship and communication between dh and his ex? Perhaps he could go and see her face to face when dss is at school. Perhaps he could suggest meeting up to discuss school problems and take it from ther. If he is calm and approachable she may well discuss what she thinks has caused his change in behaviour. ..

Something is clearly wrong and for DSS equally clearly it needs to be got to the bottom of. Beyond that tho -

Gotta say though, whilst it may be unintentional, you are sounding quite pejorative about his Mum - echo PP re why the need to compare you/your lifestyle to hers? May well be (as an e.g.) 'multiple rentals' as post split from her Ex (your now DH) she couldn't get a mortgage via combination of time out of workforce due to child rearing career break and paucity of maintenance, IE both reasons stemming from previous marriage and her Ex/your DH.

It's horribly common that women often cannot re-set their lives post divorce in the same way that men more often can for precisely those reasons. Obviously we have no clue if that's applies in her/her Ex's case but if it does, it is then a bit off to cite multiple rental moves in such a pejorative way IYSIM?

Also uncomfortable with she 'proclaimed' seriously ill Again, it just sounds pejorative from the get go. Maybe without realising it you've communicated that pejorative view to DSS and now he's older he's both picking up on it and not liking it?

People are very swift to dismiss tween's feelings being real, authentic, and stemming from own minds and instead automatically ascribe them to the other parent (I've seen this a LOT in my years on MN) but the reality is they are pretty savvy by that age and will both: A) pick up on much more than folks realise; and B) form their own - wholly independent - views. Are you certain sure that that's not what's happened here - IE he really has just decided doesn't want to go - before you look for other reasons?

What did the conversation his mum had with you about you being his possible full time family look like? Did it go well or is it still outstanding? And in that context, again I'd echo PPs in their wondering about what he is thinking and feeling about his Mum being ill and maybe that's making him want to be at home more?

Hope you can get to bottom of it for his sake, but please do be careful that you're not, however inadvertantly, communicating the same pejorateiveness to him or school re DM that you have done in your OP as that won't help you get folks onside/to open up to you. Out of curiousity, why did you do such a 'compare and contrast' piece in your OP?

[Disclaimer: On a lot of meds today so brain very dopey - hope the above makes sense in spite of the wooziness I've got going on!]

Wow, that's a essay of a post

Perhaps he’s worried the next time he’ll come to you, he won’t go home again. God knows what he’s overheard.

If in the UK, has he just moved up to high school? That's a massive change that effects every child differently and to different extents.

The whole comparison thing: do you think your home, relationship and income are infinitely more stable and therefor better? So you can't understand why he wouldn't want to visit. Or go on month long holiday.

Has he ever been away from his mum for a month before? That's unsettling and scary.

Change of school
Mum ill
Potential change of resident parent
Potential move house, new school and so on
Month long separation from mum

This all looks like a lot for an 11 YO to handle and his way of coping is natural. Retreat to a safe space. Give him a break and let him work through his feelings.

So his mum is seriously ill. Maybe it's true, maybe not, but at any rate the boy is seriously upset. This isn't the right time for him to be going away for a whole month with his df. He's too worried about his mum and he's reacted badly. I would just say you're sorry he wont be joining you but his place is open, if he changes his mind. Then the pressure's off.

The ex’s ‘chaotic messy life’ sounds like she can’t help most of it. As a pp said perhaps you should have a bit of a think about whether he might have become hostile to you because you slag his seriously ill mum off for things that aren’t her fault? Just a thought.

Do you alive abroad, OP, or are the flights as part of the holiday?

I may be way off here op but when my ds was 11 he acted very similar and for 6 months I tried everything to get to the bottom of it, he was being bullied :( to the point where we had to move schools.

He didn't want to worry me because I was ill myself. Just a thought. I really hope it's not that though

Been with DH 10 years, DSS 11

Were you the other woman?

Not the OW.
DSS was the result of a ONS.
Yes we live overseas.
Don't mean to come across as hostile towards her and certainly don't portray that around DSS, just frustrated by the whole situation.
Not comparing lifestyles, no judgement just trying to paint a picture that there is no reason for DSS not to want to come to ours. He is safe, cared for and loved in a stable familiar environment.
I don't want to take DSS on holiday anymore, believe it to be too upsetting for him, he doesn't want to come, his mum is insisting as has said we aren't parenting him if we don't.
The reason I say 'apparently' ill, as I've been here before. She cries wolf a lot, so it's really hard to ascertain if this is genuine or not. Of course I don't want it to be true, but it's a similar situation to thinking when you get influenza your going to die (yes of course people can die from it, but it's not anticipated) - that's the closest likening I can give without disclosing details.
Her lifestyle certainly wasn't the result of a divorce and she has been well supported financially. Her moves have been from one unsuitable man to the next.
She recently told us DSS was being bullied and wanted to pull him out of his school. Understandably we agreed that perhaps we should look if moving schools was the best option, but we discovered he wasn't being bullied but she was in huge arrears with the fees.
It's upsetting we've done nothing but love and support DSS and we are getting painted as the bad guys. DH is in bits.

Assume you don't live near DSS if flights are involved?

DH needs to take some time off work and go see what's going on. Go see what ex's life is like, what DSS is coping with - is DSS a young carer? (He might be very reluctant to come to stay with you if he feels his Mum won't cope without him there to look after her.) Go see the school and talk about worries around his situation.

It may well be you need to bring DSS to live with you, but there's a chance he won't want to if he feels his mother needs his support, even if he would prefer to live with you.